You know, I could divulge more about when I attended The Bachelor casting call on a hunch that Ben H was the next Bachelor.
I could tell you that 2 security guards at the venue told me they hoped I got on the show and remembered them when I won (a clear good omen).
I could point out that most of my counterparts at the casting call were ~dressed to impress~ with their overly highlighted blonde hair, stage makeup, and trashy bar dresses with plasticky heels from Charlotte Russe, while I chilled in my denim vest, black high-waisted jeans, turquoise jewelry, and nude suede wedges with my red ombre bob *sassy emoji*
I could certainly point out the plethora of vodka cranberries, while I enjoyed my Shock Top.
I COULD mention that in an interview with People magazine after he was revealed as Bachelor, Ben H said he was looking for a “partner and best friend”, which were the two descriptors I used in my short answer response to the application’s question of “What are you looking for in your ideal relationship?”
I could even mention that at the end of my funny, natural conversation with my interviewer, she told me, “Oh. my. god. You are PERFECT. I’m putting a star at the top of your application for when I send it to producers!”
Yes, in a sea of Ohioans at this casting call, my sparkling Michigander self and application shined brightly.
AND THEN THEY PICKED HIM FOR BACHELOR BUT DIDN’T FUCKING CALL ME EVEN THOUGH THEY REALLY GOT MY HOPES UP (WHICH WAS MEAN, BTW).
But you know what, let’s not dwell on this. The producers *clearly* realized I was too sassy and level-headed for the type of asinine shit that sometimes occurs on the show (especially during downtime in the house. You’re not going to see me get drunk and test the effectiveness of a football helmet by ramming my head against various things, a la Megan.) The producers wisely decided that even though a Big 10 couple would definitely be the cutest thing to ever appear on the show, I needed to stay in Ann Arbor and finish my degree. Obviously.
Now that I’ve built my ego back up, all I can say is good luck to the girls on his season, because I will be aggressively talking shit about you on this blog. And Ben? The odds of this working out are really against you. You can find me in Ann Arbor when filming wraps!
*wipes tears* Ok, time for BIP 8/24 live feed
——
Whose vajayjay did they just censor?!?!
Okay, producers obviously made that little birthday cake for Joe and edited him to look really pathetic
Ashley I trying to find solace in Joe…..why even bother, honey
Every time they cut to a confessional of Ashley I with her horrible Kim K crying face, I feel sad but can’t control my laughter
Ashley I those nails are RATCH, I know the runners will go buy you fake nails and nail glue if you asked!!!!!!!
Yeah you spray that hair spray and pat the weave, Mikey
Juelia please don’t tell me you are seriously considering Mikey as a good replacement dad for your kid?
NO YOU DID NOT JUST GET OUT OF YOUR PLANE SEAT TO SIT ON MIKEY’S LAP AND MAKE OUT NO YOU DIDN’T
I completely forgot Josh was in paradise
Sam is looking at Nick like a ravenous wolf and I am afraid
Oh so now Joe feels like it’s good timing to show everyone the text messages that supposedly didn’t exist
Players gonna play play play play play, Joe
“We can have a text message conversation but you don’t know what’s gonna happen in real life, you know?” Well, I can tell you you gave Joe a hand job in a hot tub on national television in real life!
I’m waiting for the third party of “Textgate” to reveal himself….Nick, where you at?!
Joe’s an ass, but Sam is straight COLD
Love seeing the contestants do things they truly enjoy together, not producer-planned dates. Fish ur lil hearts out, Kirk and Carly
That’s not the most beautiful sunset ever, Carly. Come to Michigan
Juelia’s face reminds of a spider. Like beady spider eyes
Juelia and Mikey’s wrestling date is the type of dumb shit I’d be mad I’d have to pretend to enjoy if I was on the show #notsalty
Juelia trying to jump into the ring in a maxi skirt lololololol
Maybe Juelia’s sweet sincerity can bring Mikey back down to earth. Maybe
“You’re a man” “Thank you” good talk, Mikey
Producers were like “Mikey we guarantee you a fantasy suite date on your first date card if you come back pls”
Juelia wakes up with false lashes on
Juelia has tooooooootal sex hair in her confessional in the morning
“I think each day in paradise gets worse and worse?” should be this show’s slogan
Joe and Ashley I are both socially awkward and sort of dumb so their little “fresh start” plan is hilarious in all ways
Sam does not think this plan is funny. Sam is devoid of humor
Zero people remember Justin from Kaitlyn’s season
Zero people value Joe’s friendship more than they value girls
“You’re a great conversator” ://///
“Joe’s gonna go straight Kentucky crazy” *insert gorilla noises here*
*JJ voice* U GONNA CRY, JOSEPH?
True that, Ashley I, Sam can’t end things permanently with Joe because she looooves the attention
“Country Joe” should really catch on. Is that what they call him behind his back? I hope so
Sam worked so hard to get all these guys to fall for her in case producers put one of them on the show, but you can’t pull one over on the producers…..they brought them ALL on
Joe just admitted Sam is way too pretty for him and out of his league. We know, Joe
——
Ok, I’m bored to tears with this Sam plot. Normally, I’d be super excited to read what Joe has in his inbox from her, but unless there’s anything juicier than “Do whatever it takes to stay until I get there” (which we’ve heard at least 32 times so far), then I really don’t care. Next week, they’re just going to reiterate this text from her 50 more times, and I don’t care what happens between Sam and Justin because who the hell is Justin?! When are we going to get to the point when Ashley I requests a fantasy suite and someone says, “So you’re not a virgin anymore AND you might be pregnant?!” Does Ashley I end up sympathizing with heartbroken Joe and takes him to her suite and becomes pregnant with his bastard gorilla child? Let’s get to this storyline already!
Here’s some of the highlights from the stars’ tweets during this week’s episodes:
Joe had some thoughts on Juelia's sudden love for Mikey:
You know, Joe, I said the same thing....
Juelia responded:
I could tell you that 2 security guards at the venue told me they hoped I got on the show and remembered them when I won (a clear good omen).
I could point out that most of my counterparts at the casting call were ~dressed to impress~ with their overly highlighted blonde hair, stage makeup, and trashy bar dresses with plasticky heels from Charlotte Russe, while I chilled in my denim vest, black high-waisted jeans, turquoise jewelry, and nude suede wedges with my red ombre bob *sassy emoji*
I could certainly point out the plethora of vodka cranberries, while I enjoyed my Shock Top.
I COULD mention that in an interview with People magazine after he was revealed as Bachelor, Ben H said he was looking for a “partner and best friend”, which were the two descriptors I used in my short answer response to the application’s question of “What are you looking for in your ideal relationship?”
I could even mention that at the end of my funny, natural conversation with my interviewer, she told me, “Oh. my. god. You are PERFECT. I’m putting a star at the top of your application for when I send it to producers!”
Yes, in a sea of Ohioans at this casting call, my sparkling Michigander self and application shined brightly.
AND THEN THEY PICKED HIM FOR BACHELOR BUT DIDN’T FUCKING CALL ME EVEN THOUGH THEY REALLY GOT MY HOPES UP (WHICH WAS MEAN, BTW).
But you know what, let’s not dwell on this. The producers *clearly* realized I was too sassy and level-headed for the type of asinine shit that sometimes occurs on the show (especially during downtime in the house. You’re not going to see me get drunk and test the effectiveness of a football helmet by ramming my head against various things, a la Megan.) The producers wisely decided that even though a Big 10 couple would definitely be the cutest thing to ever appear on the show, I needed to stay in Ann Arbor and finish my degree. Obviously.
Now that I’ve built my ego back up, all I can say is good luck to the girls on his season, because I will be aggressively talking shit about you on this blog. And Ben? The odds of this working out are really against you. You can find me in Ann Arbor when filming wraps!
*wipes tears* Ok, time for BIP 8/24 live feed
——
Whose vajayjay did they just censor?!?!
Okay, producers obviously made that little birthday cake for Joe and edited him to look really pathetic
Ashley I trying to find solace in Joe…..why even bother, honey
Every time they cut to a confessional of Ashley I with her horrible Kim K crying face, I feel sad but can’t control my laughter
Ashley I those nails are RATCH, I know the runners will go buy you fake nails and nail glue if you asked!!!!!!!
Yeah you spray that hair spray and pat the weave, Mikey
Juelia please don’t tell me you are seriously considering Mikey as a good replacement dad for your kid?
NO YOU DID NOT JUST GET OUT OF YOUR PLANE SEAT TO SIT ON MIKEY’S LAP AND MAKE OUT NO YOU DIDN’T
I completely forgot Josh was in paradise
Sam is looking at Nick like a ravenous wolf and I am afraid
Oh so now Joe feels like it’s good timing to show everyone the text messages that supposedly didn’t exist
Players gonna play play play play play, Joe
“We can have a text message conversation but you don’t know what’s gonna happen in real life, you know?” Well, I can tell you you gave Joe a hand job in a hot tub on national television in real life!
I’m waiting for the third party of “Textgate” to reveal himself….Nick, where you at?!
Joe’s an ass, but Sam is straight COLD
Love seeing the contestants do things they truly enjoy together, not producer-planned dates. Fish ur lil hearts out, Kirk and Carly
That’s not the most beautiful sunset ever, Carly. Come to Michigan
Juelia’s face reminds of a spider. Like beady spider eyes
Juelia and Mikey’s wrestling date is the type of dumb shit I’d be mad I’d have to pretend to enjoy if I was on the show #notsalty
Juelia trying to jump into the ring in a maxi skirt lololololol
Maybe Juelia’s sweet sincerity can bring Mikey back down to earth. Maybe
“You’re a man” “Thank you” good talk, Mikey
Producers were like “Mikey we guarantee you a fantasy suite date on your first date card if you come back pls”
Juelia wakes up with false lashes on
Juelia has tooooooootal sex hair in her confessional in the morning
“I think each day in paradise gets worse and worse?” should be this show’s slogan
Joe and Ashley I are both socially awkward and sort of dumb so their little “fresh start” plan is hilarious in all ways
Sam does not think this plan is funny. Sam is devoid of humor
Zero people remember Justin from Kaitlyn’s season
Zero people value Joe’s friendship more than they value girls
“You’re a great conversator” ://///
“Joe’s gonna go straight Kentucky crazy” *insert gorilla noises here*
*JJ voice* U GONNA CRY, JOSEPH?
True that, Ashley I, Sam can’t end things permanently with Joe because she looooves the attention
“Country Joe” should really catch on. Is that what they call him behind his back? I hope so
Sam worked so hard to get all these guys to fall for her in case producers put one of them on the show, but you can’t pull one over on the producers…..they brought them ALL on
Joe just admitted Sam is way too pretty for him and out of his league. We know, Joe
——
Ok, I’m bored to tears with this Sam plot. Normally, I’d be super excited to read what Joe has in his inbox from her, but unless there’s anything juicier than “Do whatever it takes to stay until I get there” (which we’ve heard at least 32 times so far), then I really don’t care. Next week, they’re just going to reiterate this text from her 50 more times, and I don’t care what happens between Sam and Justin because who the hell is Justin?! When are we going to get to the point when Ashley I requests a fantasy suite and someone says, “So you’re not a virgin anymore AND you might be pregnant?!” Does Ashley I end up sympathizing with heartbroken Joe and takes him to her suite and becomes pregnant with his bastard gorilla child? Let’s get to this storyline already!
Here’s some of the highlights from the stars’ tweets during this week’s episodes:
Joe had some thoughts on Juelia's sudden love for Mikey:
You know, Joe, I said the same thing....
Juelia responded:
Taking the high road. Sort of.
Kirk shared a behind the scenes moment:
A special BIP deleted scene!
Jade felt....sympathy? Or something? for Ashley I:
Ashley I is definitely Clueless. In the best possible way.
Tanner's got JOKES (and mad Photoshop skills):
"Hey Joseph? OR WHAT?" (Side note: this photo of Sam was probably taken off PornHub.)
And of course, beloved franchise producer Elan had this to say:
Couldn't have said it any better.
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