After Kaitlyn kicked Ben H off The Bachelorette so two assholes could fight over her, I reacted as the rest of America did and tweeted that I was going to the next casting call in case he became the next Bachelor.
Except I actually did it, and didn’t just tweet about it.
At the casting call, they tell you to expect a phone call within 2 weeks if you’re moving on to the next round. It has now been 2 weeks and 2 days, and I have yet to receive my phone call, so I’m assuming my tape got lost in transit between the casting call and the casting director’s desk. It’s ok, Lacey Pemberton, I’ll just post this here to make up for that!
Reasons I should be on The Bachelor (if Ben H is next)
1. He doesn’t suck
—In fact, he’s probably the only contestant on his season/every season ever that I didn’t openly consider a complete idiot at least once. He overall seems like a super charming, genuine, and totally normal guy, which actually makes me question why he was ever on the show.
2. He’s well-spoken
—There are few things more attractive than a guy who can eloquently say exactly what he’s trying to say. Is this a trait that comes with age or something? Why are guys my age all mumbling buffoons with the vocabulary of a 7 year old?
3. Especially about his feelings
—His comment about wanting Kaitlyn to explore her feelings to their fullest extent and supporting her through them was probably the most emotionally intelligent statement I’ve ever heard. Are conversations in which you take emotions seriously just not possible in your early twenties? I feel like I’m intensely impressed by these qualities which should probably be basic human qualities everyone possesses.
4. He’s only 26
—The first digit is the same in both of our ages, so this makes our 4 year age difference essentially irrelevant (#logic). Bonus points: my older brothers are also soon to be 26. They deserve a brother-in-law their age!
5. Might propel my victory lap
—Ok, yes, our 4 year age difference means I am still in college, so filming the show would mean taking at least one semester off…..which would actually be fine with me, considering I have INTENSE FOMO when I think of all my friends going back to school Fall 2016, while I lamely become a jobless graduate in May.
6. He’s from the midwest!
—It’s no secret how much I love my state of Michigan, and Ben was lucky enough to grow up near southwest Michigan……..….in Indiana. Ok, Indiana is not Michigan, but at least he’s not from Ohio.
7. AND WENT TO A BIG 10 SCHOOL TOO
—Just imagine: our 1 on 1 date takes place at the IU v. UMich game this fall. It’s November, so we’re cold AF and cuddling in our clashing school colors. The non-existent college stadium Kiss Cam zooms in on us. Harbaugh calls a timeout and has the ref announce that we’re the cutest couple in America. Fireworks over the stadium as Michigan wins. THINK ABOUT THE RATINGS THIS EPISODE WOULD GET.
8. But he now lives in Denver
—Where my favorite group of extended family happens to reside. Is that just coincidence? Am I pretending this means we have something in common but is actually irrelevant to my life? Yes, and yes. Just go with it. (Although it should be noted that I do really like Colorado and would totes move there for ~luv~)
9. We have similar interests
—A quick glance at Ben’s social media shows photos of trips to breweries and outdoor concerts, which, as anyone who knows me can attest to, are LITERALLY MY 2 FAVORITE ACTIVITIES. He also hikes a lot, which I would like to do too if I didn’t live in the flattest region of my state/the country :(
10. I would be good for TV
—I’m just going to throw it out there for I won Most Dramatic in high school, I have a penchant for arguing, and I cry easily. I was possibly born for reality TV. I am ashamed.
11. Possibility of becoming the Bachelorette
—In all honesty, I would probably come in third place if I ever were a Bachelor contestant, because my hometown probably make for a horrible episode. Historically, the third placer of every season is totally loved by America (naturally) so the producers choose them to be the next Bachelor(ette). Tbh, I don’t know if I’d be interested in being the Bachelorette, but it probably pays well.
12. Why not?
—Doing dumb shit like appearing on reality tv is something you can only do in your twenties, when you can put your entire life on hold because you have no pertinent life responsibilities (except graduating but w/e). At best, I fall in love, and at worst, I am humiliated on national television. What could possibly go wrong?!?!
Now, it hasn’t even been announced who the next Bachelor is. During my interview, I made it abundantly clear that I didn’t want to be on the show if the next Bachelor was human pile of scum Nick, large hunk of meat Ben Z, or possible vampire Jared; I was there strictly for Ben H.
I’m going to save my own ego by assuming the reason I haven’t received a call from producers is because Ben H isn’t the next Bachelor, and not that my tape got lost in a cruel twist of fate.
Except I actually did it, and didn’t just tweet about it.
At the casting call, they tell you to expect a phone call within 2 weeks if you’re moving on to the next round. It has now been 2 weeks and 2 days, and I have yet to receive my phone call, so I’m assuming my tape got lost in transit between the casting call and the casting director’s desk. It’s ok, Lacey Pemberton, I’ll just post this here to make up for that!
Reasons I should be on The Bachelor (if Ben H is next)
1. He doesn’t suck
—In fact, he’s probably the only contestant on his season/every season ever that I didn’t openly consider a complete idiot at least once. He overall seems like a super charming, genuine, and totally normal guy, which actually makes me question why he was ever on the show.
2. He’s well-spoken
—There are few things more attractive than a guy who can eloquently say exactly what he’s trying to say. Is this a trait that comes with age or something? Why are guys my age all mumbling buffoons with the vocabulary of a 7 year old?
3. Especially about his feelings
—His comment about wanting Kaitlyn to explore her feelings to their fullest extent and supporting her through them was probably the most emotionally intelligent statement I’ve ever heard. Are conversations in which you take emotions seriously just not possible in your early twenties? I feel like I’m intensely impressed by these qualities which should probably be basic human qualities everyone possesses.
4. He’s only 26
—The first digit is the same in both of our ages, so this makes our 4 year age difference essentially irrelevant (#logic). Bonus points: my older brothers are also soon to be 26. They deserve a brother-in-law their age!
5. Might propel my victory lap
—Ok, yes, our 4 year age difference means I am still in college, so filming the show would mean taking at least one semester off…..which would actually be fine with me, considering I have INTENSE FOMO when I think of all my friends going back to school Fall 2016, while I lamely become a jobless graduate in May.
6. He’s from the midwest!
—It’s no secret how much I love my state of Michigan, and Ben was lucky enough to grow up near southwest Michigan……..….in Indiana. Ok, Indiana is not Michigan, but at least he’s not from Ohio.
7. AND WENT TO A BIG 10 SCHOOL TOO
—Just imagine: our 1 on 1 date takes place at the IU v. UMich game this fall. It’s November, so we’re cold AF and cuddling in our clashing school colors. The non-existent college stadium Kiss Cam zooms in on us. Harbaugh calls a timeout and has the ref announce that we’re the cutest couple in America. Fireworks over the stadium as Michigan wins. THINK ABOUT THE RATINGS THIS EPISODE WOULD GET.
8. But he now lives in Denver
—Where my favorite group of extended family happens to reside. Is that just coincidence? Am I pretending this means we have something in common but is actually irrelevant to my life? Yes, and yes. Just go with it. (Although it should be noted that I do really like Colorado and would totes move there for ~luv~)
9. We have similar interests
—A quick glance at Ben’s social media shows photos of trips to breweries and outdoor concerts, which, as anyone who knows me can attest to, are LITERALLY MY 2 FAVORITE ACTIVITIES. He also hikes a lot, which I would like to do too if I didn’t live in the flattest region of my state/the country :(
10. I would be good for TV
—I’m just going to throw it out there for I won Most Dramatic in high school, I have a penchant for arguing, and I cry easily. I was possibly born for reality TV. I am ashamed.
11. Possibility of becoming the Bachelorette
—In all honesty, I would probably come in third place if I ever were a Bachelor contestant, because my hometown probably make for a horrible episode. Historically, the third placer of every season is totally loved by America (naturally) so the producers choose them to be the next Bachelor(ette). Tbh, I don’t know if I’d be interested in being the Bachelorette, but it probably pays well.
12. Why not?
—Doing dumb shit like appearing on reality tv is something you can only do in your twenties, when you can put your entire life on hold because you have no pertinent life responsibilities (except graduating but w/e). At best, I fall in love, and at worst, I am humiliated on national television. What could possibly go wrong?!?!
Now, it hasn’t even been announced who the next Bachelor is. During my interview, I made it abundantly clear that I didn’t want to be on the show if the next Bachelor was human pile of scum Nick, large hunk of meat Ben Z, or possible vampire Jared; I was there strictly for Ben H.
I’m going to save my own ego by assuming the reason I haven’t received a call from producers is because Ben H isn’t the next Bachelor, and not that my tape got lost in a cruel twist of fate.
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