“Everyone's a pervert!!!!!!” I cried to my parents on Wednesday. This was my reaction to learning that Jared from Subway thought losing half his body weight made him sexually attractive to children, and that 38 million adulterers’ information was now public via the Ashley Madison hack (including Josh Duggar, who can now add “cheater with probable STDs because I don’t believe in condoms” to his already shining resume of “blatant bigot and child/sister molester.” Smh.)
This was a bad week for me to learn of this news, because my brain had already been reeling thinking about Kylie Jenner, her overly sexualized appearance & its effect on her millions of teenage followers, and all the fucking weirdo dudes on the Internet who “couldn’t wait for her to turn 18” so that they could feel less guilty about their creepy teenage fetish, including her own 25 year old boyfriend. Does this make Tyga a pervert? I think it does. Anyway.
With all this happening in the news, I had perverts on the brain, and I became hyper paranoid about it. I even drove into town and immediately thought “OMG HOT GUYS” upon seeing a soccer field full of shirtless dudes, only to realize that the soccer field was at the high school*. Some of those children I accidentally ogled** were probably not even legal to drive a car yet and I am on the brink of 22. Oh my god, I thought. AM I A PERVERT????
(*It should be noted that my destination was the high school, so context clues should’ve prevented this whole situation. Not one of my brighter moments.)
(**I’m near sighted and the kids were pretty far away, so no actual ogling was done. I’m not a pervert. I swear.***)
(***https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Wab_lbRQo4)
But no, a quick review of literally all of my past behavior and thoughts other than that one reveals I am indeed not a pervert. This was solidified when I encountered the KING OF PERVERTS in Ann Arbor last night.
As I left my car on Washington Street and headed toward work, I notice this dude up yonder was bent over “tying his shoes” for a really long time. As I got closer, I notice dude’s wearing Daisy Dukes with his entire ass, which is covered in red sores, hanging out. If we’re being honest, this wouldn’t be the first time I saw an inappropriate amount of ass on the streets of Ann Arbor, but something about this was not quite right. I continued walking and realized this dude had been bent over for an ODDLY long time. I quick glanced at him as I passed and in that quick glance, I saw the face of a TRUE AND LEGITIMATE PERVERT looking at me from between his legs and dangling schlong.
That’s right, those Daisy Dukes were also CROTCHLESS. ?!?!?!?!?!
Considering this was one of the most terrifying and disgusting moments of my life, I quickened my pace as I continued to work, and got a little panicky as I looked over my shoulder and saw King Pervyson approaching on his bike. He ended up passing me but slowing his pace as he approached 2 more women and opened his leg toward them. WTF? Did I really just get flashed on the street and then watch it happen again?!
I walked into work, but I was shaken up and semi-sweaty, so I felt like telling all my coworkers what I just witnessed, so they could share the burden of disgust :-) This is when I learned some of my coworkers had seen him around the area hours earlier.
Can we just pause for a second? A flashing pervert on a vintage bike wearing a straw fedora, neon green glasses, and crotchless jean shorts has been riding around campus waving his dick around for HOURS and NO ONE HAS SAID ANYTHING YET? Can we collectively say WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!
At this point, my managers approached and said they needed one less server on the floor. Good thing that person was me, otherwise I probably would’ve started warning all my guests about the pervert riding around out front. Bad for business.
As with every time I’ve had to contact the police (2 other times in my life. ugh), I wasted precious time by calling my mom first, because I am a helpless grown ass child. She was thoroughly appalled as well, but laughed a little at me, because out of her 3 children, I am seriously the only one who would be in this situation. ~Just Lauren things~
So I walked the 3 blocks to the police station instead of calling 911 (rookie mistake. Damn it, Lauren) and had to awkwardly explain to the after hours intercom box thing that I got flashed by a serial pervert half an hour ago and everyone said I should report it. They buzzed me up, and the cop behind the window, who thankfully was female, and I exchanged nervous laughter as I had to describe in depth what just happened, using proper anatomical terminology. Then she scolded me for not calling 911 immediately, because the dude was probably “halfway to Ypsilanti by now.” (I can’t help but feel like we had an unspoken mutual understanding that King Pervert was probably an Ypsi townie.)
But given my incredibly thorough description of Pervy McPerverson and the fact that he’d been out there violating innocent eyes for hours, I was not at all surprised when the cop called me 15 minutes later to tell me the bulletin she issued for him was picked up by campus police, who promptly arrested him. Apparently it’s not that hard to find a guy on a bike wearing a straw fedora, fake neon glasses, and the equivalent of denim ass-less chaps. Go figure!!!
At this point, I don’t have to go to work, but it’s rush hour, and I became very stressed and got hives (it’s seriously so hard being this lame), so I attempted to drive up to the Arb, where I could clear my mind with nature and shit, but then the campus police called me and asked for a statement. So here I am, stuck in lane to lane traffic with my window down, clarifying for the police that “his penis and scrotum were hanging out in full view” when I notice the guy in the lane next to me also has his window down and can hear everything I’m saying, as if I’m loudly describing a sexual encounter in a traffic jam rather than providing a legal statement. Guy in car was definitely an eavesdropping pervert.
And that was kind of the end of it all. He was arrested so quickly that a hilarious UM PD crime alert wasn’t even emailed to everyone, which everyone knows is the only perk to falling victim to an odd crime on campus.
I wish I had some witty conclusion or overarching moral to link all those stories together, but I don’t, so you read all that for nothing. Basically, the only points I have are:
1. If someone is riding around town wearing clothing that purposely exposes their dick to your non-consenting eyes, that’s definitely worth calling 911 about
2. EVERYONE’S A PERVERT
This was a bad week for me to learn of this news, because my brain had already been reeling thinking about Kylie Jenner, her overly sexualized appearance & its effect on her millions of teenage followers, and all the fucking weirdo dudes on the Internet who “couldn’t wait for her to turn 18” so that they could feel less guilty about their creepy teenage fetish, including her own 25 year old boyfriend. Does this make Tyga a pervert? I think it does. Anyway.
With all this happening in the news, I had perverts on the brain, and I became hyper paranoid about it. I even drove into town and immediately thought “OMG HOT GUYS” upon seeing a soccer field full of shirtless dudes, only to realize that the soccer field was at the high school*. Some of those children I accidentally ogled** were probably not even legal to drive a car yet and I am on the brink of 22. Oh my god, I thought. AM I A PERVERT????
(*It should be noted that my destination was the high school, so context clues should’ve prevented this whole situation. Not one of my brighter moments.)
(**I’m near sighted and the kids were pretty far away, so no actual ogling was done. I’m not a pervert. I swear.***)
(***https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Wab_lbRQo4)
But no, a quick review of literally all of my past behavior and thoughts other than that one reveals I am indeed not a pervert. This was solidified when I encountered the KING OF PERVERTS in Ann Arbor last night.
As I left my car on Washington Street and headed toward work, I notice this dude up yonder was bent over “tying his shoes” for a really long time. As I got closer, I notice dude’s wearing Daisy Dukes with his entire ass, which is covered in red sores, hanging out. If we’re being honest, this wouldn’t be the first time I saw an inappropriate amount of ass on the streets of Ann Arbor, but something about this was not quite right. I continued walking and realized this dude had been bent over for an ODDLY long time. I quick glanced at him as I passed and in that quick glance, I saw the face of a TRUE AND LEGITIMATE PERVERT looking at me from between his legs and dangling schlong.
That’s right, those Daisy Dukes were also CROTCHLESS. ?!?!?!?!?!
Considering this was one of the most terrifying and disgusting moments of my life, I quickened my pace as I continued to work, and got a little panicky as I looked over my shoulder and saw King Pervyson approaching on his bike. He ended up passing me but slowing his pace as he approached 2 more women and opened his leg toward them. WTF? Did I really just get flashed on the street and then watch it happen again?!
I walked into work, but I was shaken up and semi-sweaty, so I felt like telling all my coworkers what I just witnessed, so they could share the burden of disgust :-) This is when I learned some of my coworkers had seen him around the area hours earlier.
Can we just pause for a second? A flashing pervert on a vintage bike wearing a straw fedora, neon green glasses, and crotchless jean shorts has been riding around campus waving his dick around for HOURS and NO ONE HAS SAID ANYTHING YET? Can we collectively say WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!
At this point, my managers approached and said they needed one less server on the floor. Good thing that person was me, otherwise I probably would’ve started warning all my guests about the pervert riding around out front. Bad for business.
As with every time I’ve had to contact the police (2 other times in my life. ugh), I wasted precious time by calling my mom first, because I am a helpless grown ass child. She was thoroughly appalled as well, but laughed a little at me, because out of her 3 children, I am seriously the only one who would be in this situation. ~Just Lauren things~
So I walked the 3 blocks to the police station instead of calling 911 (rookie mistake. Damn it, Lauren) and had to awkwardly explain to the after hours intercom box thing that I got flashed by a serial pervert half an hour ago and everyone said I should report it. They buzzed me up, and the cop behind the window, who thankfully was female, and I exchanged nervous laughter as I had to describe in depth what just happened, using proper anatomical terminology. Then she scolded me for not calling 911 immediately, because the dude was probably “halfway to Ypsilanti by now.” (I can’t help but feel like we had an unspoken mutual understanding that King Pervert was probably an Ypsi townie.)
But given my incredibly thorough description of Pervy McPerverson and the fact that he’d been out there violating innocent eyes for hours, I was not at all surprised when the cop called me 15 minutes later to tell me the bulletin she issued for him was picked up by campus police, who promptly arrested him. Apparently it’s not that hard to find a guy on a bike wearing a straw fedora, fake neon glasses, and the equivalent of denim ass-less chaps. Go figure!!!
At this point, I don’t have to go to work, but it’s rush hour, and I became very stressed and got hives (it’s seriously so hard being this lame), so I attempted to drive up to the Arb, where I could clear my mind with nature and shit, but then the campus police called me and asked for a statement. So here I am, stuck in lane to lane traffic with my window down, clarifying for the police that “his penis and scrotum were hanging out in full view” when I notice the guy in the lane next to me also has his window down and can hear everything I’m saying, as if I’m loudly describing a sexual encounter in a traffic jam rather than providing a legal statement. Guy in car was definitely an eavesdropping pervert.
And that was kind of the end of it all. He was arrested so quickly that a hilarious UM PD crime alert wasn’t even emailed to everyone, which everyone knows is the only perk to falling victim to an odd crime on campus.
I wish I had some witty conclusion or overarching moral to link all those stories together, but I don’t, so you read all that for nothing. Basically, the only points I have are:
1. If someone is riding around town wearing clothing that purposely exposes their dick to your non-consenting eyes, that’s definitely worth calling 911 about
2. EVERYONE’S A PERVERT
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