VMAs

SURPRISE! You didn’t think something live the VMAs would happen and I wouldn’t blog about it, did you?

If you can stand to read not 1 but 2 stream of consciousness posts about mindless TV from me in the same day, then I present to you: the 2015 VMA live feed.

——

I wish Nicki would do anything without it being about her butt

Omg the woman in the audience was Justin Bieber

HAHAHAH was not expecting Taylor to come out, but the Bad Blood thing sure makes sense now….publicity, man

What even is Macklemore

Well at least Macklemore probably thought that was cool

Miley’s speaking voice…bye

A$AP Rocky is like where tf am I

Andy Samberg being here just made me sad because I remembered I’m not married to him

Miley blowing a corn cob lololol

Yessssssss Britney needs to be at every VMAs

Did Miley just yell “you bitch” at Britney for making a TSwift reference

Bruno Mars is probably a legal little person

I see Miley’s hip bones way too often

Stfu Jared Leto

Love The Weeknd’s little frog jump thing of a dance move

OMG KANYE IS LOVIN IT

They aren’t making enough of an attempt to censor Rebel Wilson’s shirt that clearly says “FUCK”

Nicki literally has difficulty walking due to her fake ass

OMFG NICKI JUST CALLED MILEY TF OUTTTTTTT YAHHHHHHH

I would probably pay to see Nicki and Miley fight honestly

Can someone please explain why John Travolta was the limo driver in that Apple music commercial

Tyga in the audience pretending he wasn’t in that skit

Tyga wouldn’t even have been invited to this if it wasn’t for his pedo relationship

Big Sean. A man of few words

Every time I see the image of Taylor holding the apple from Blank Space I just think of the Beans from Even Stevens meme

*cuts to Kanye in the crowd because Taylor is onstage*

How many guests was Taylor allowed to bring??????

Zayn is in LA so if he doesn’t show up then idk

How many outfit changes is Miley going to have? My bet is a minimum of 7, maximum of 11

I know for a fact that Demi Lovato is an amazing singer so I’m concerned about how she sounds right now

She looks so hot tho that she’s making me feel hella positive about my ~curves~

………who invited Iggy?

With hair like Justin Bieber’s, I would also wear a hat onstage

I will have lost all faith in the cameramen if they don’t cut to Selena and Taylor in the audience during this performance

Actually laughing out loud at Justin Bieber’s dance move

Selena is listening to this voiceover like “lmfao”

Y r u crying tho Biebs

Since when is “Best video with a social message” an award? Fuck this shit

“TRY” BY COLBIE CALLAIT?????? NO

S/O to Detroit and U of M from Big Sean=2 peace signs at the TV screen from me and Katie

KANYE SMILE!

Snoop is rapping Gin and Juice as a pig and I’m into it

Kim is like “omg I don’t like attention *duck face*”

Kylie you are really rocking those bangs and butt pads!!!!!

The fact that I have no idea who is singing right now shows how disconnected I actually am from MTV

I can’t be the only one who thinks it’s cheesy af that Taylor is presenting to Kanye

Kim’s boobs look so bad in that dress

…..not a big fan of Taylor recreating the Kanye incident

Jaden Smith put ur damn fist down, Kanye doesn't even know who you are

Everyone is like wtf I thought this was going to be about Kanye’s career, not an apology 5 years too late

WHAT IS GOING ON

I genuinely wonder what conversations between Kim and Kanye consist of

This is the point during Kanye’s speech in which my mother texted me “What the hell is wrong with him?”

If Donald Trump can, Kanye can

“Stretch marks? Oh who cares, where’s my wine?” This commercial speaks to me

I care not at all about Pharrell as a performer

“We love you Fetty!!!!!!” Stop

I have seen Twenty One Pilots live I think 8 times now and this is still so crazy to me

Lmao Ice Cube

I want Kendrick to win video of the year

All these girls onstage but not Kendrick. Wah

When Miley has a song where she just repeatedly says “Yeah I smoke pot”….is this even technically a song

Miley just definitely threw some shade at a couple artists by emphasizing that her album is online for FREE

——

You know it was a weak VMA show when the best part was an unplanned comment between recipient and host.

BIP 8/30 live feed

Back in AA=mooching off friends with cable. Thanks, Katie (and thanks for the beer)

Still a day late even though I watched it on time, BIP 8/30 live feed

——

Joe is 29 lol I don’t know why that’s so funny right now

Why is Kirk wearing a tie

Katie just pointed out that Sam looks like the Evil Queen in Snow White and I can’t unsee

Joe seriously needs subtitles

Never will get over Carly’s tiny hands

Justin is like “lol now what”

When Joe knows every season Chris has been on #fangirl

Amber takes off Justin’s shirt in the middle of the dance floor to reveal THE WORST SUNBURN OF ALL TIME

Amber y u crying girl

Chris looks like The Situation from Jersey Shore

Chris is frat dad

Chris double fisting #welcomeweek

That ad for Bachelor casting was SALT IN THE WOUND

“Can I talk to you?” is code for “Follow us, cameras”

Oooooh Amber wants Dan to know she feels bad for going out with Justin but Dan wants her to know he don’t give a shit

Why does everyone like Tenley?

“I’m flattered you would ask me, but I wouldn’t let you kiss me” SAVAGE Tenley

Josh has the widest shoulders ever

Can Josh just take Chris’ take card? Can you do that?

I hate Josh and Tenley together…..and separate

“Never trust a Mexican when he says it’s not spicy” I have actually learned this in real life

Josh and Tenley just ate all day on their date. This is my dream date

Dan out of NOWHERE likes Sam? I’ve defended Dan through everything he’s done so far, but this I cannot defend nor respect!!!!

Only 1 guy is going home and it’s clearly going to be Chris…I think?

Ashley I writing Jared a note is so me (and Rachel Green)

“This is the best way I can communicate without crying” well that’s certainly not false

Amber approaching Jared about her rose?! Plot twist

Ashley I talks about Jared’s face so much

Can’t really tell Amber’s intentions by talking to Ashley I about this

When Sam says it’s love at first sight with Joe….LOL

A guys tries to warn a girl that Joe is shady is the plot of every episode this season

Joe tries to distract Sam from Dan by kissing her in some plants

Sam actually thinks her and Joe’s relationship will continue after BIP. Sad

I wonder if Kirk and Carly will ever break up this season

Are Nick and Ashley S really a thing though? Just because of that one drunken day???

Jared looks defeated 100% of the time

Amber is scorned af, there was no way Dan was getting that rose

IS SAM GOING TO PICK DAN? OMG

Joe is about to set this little tiki hut on fire with his pure rage

“Joe’s the villain in this situation” pot, meet kettle

They said only one guy is going home tonight and that guy is Joe….but….what happened to Chris

Tanner just compared Sam to a praying mantis in the same context that JWoww described herself as a praying mantis on the Jersey Shore intro #tbt

I can’t listen to Dumb and Dumber argue anymore gahhhhh

You gonna show the texts or nah

Joe drinking a beer in the limo is me

No, I cannot see any of Sam’s texts on your blurry ass phone, Joe

Carly says what everyone is thinking point blank: “Samantha sucks”

WAIT, Ashley S actually said it better: “Samantha? What the fuck are you doing here?”

“She’s like a dead bird to me”
—me about my enemies

Dan hardly knows Sam and is already comparing their relationship to Carly and Kirk’s. Ouch

Carly is such a mastermind

TBT to Carly popping bottles of champagne when Kelsey got kicked off of Chris’ season (not to be confused with Chelsea)

This montage of Jared reading Ashley’s letter defines their relationship

——

And so the Sam and Joe saga ends. Really was hoping Joe would be the one to send Sam packing, but at this point, WHO CARES. I’m really interested to see how tonight’s episode goes….Ashley I might want to take Jared to the fantasy suite to persuade him away from Amber, but given that Jared has already told her he doesn’t have feelings for her, it would be pretttttttty out of character for him to sleep with her. So how is there a possibility that she’s pregnant? Maybe because she’s a ~virgin~ she also doesn’t know how one gets pregnant??? The anticipation of seeing what occurs is bothering me more than it should! (Side note: no tweets this week because I don’t have wifi and this is difficult enough as is. I know, I’m disappointed too)

BIP 8/24 live feed

You know, I could divulge more about when I attended The Bachelor casting call on a hunch that Ben H was the next Bachelor.

I could tell you that 2 security guards at the venue told me they hoped I got on the show and remembered them when I won (a clear good omen).

I could point out that most of my counterparts at the casting call were ~dressed to impress~ with their overly highlighted blonde hair, stage makeup, and trashy bar dresses with plasticky heels from Charlotte Russe, while I chilled in my denim vest, black high-waisted jeans, turquoise jewelry, and nude suede wedges with my red ombre bob *sassy emoji*

I could certainly point out the plethora of vodka cranberries, while I enjoyed my Shock Top.

I COULD mention that in an interview with People magazine after he was revealed as Bachelor, Ben H said he was looking for a  “partner and best friend”, which were the two descriptors I used in my short answer response to the application’s question of “What are you looking for in your ideal relationship?”

I could even mention that at the end of my funny, natural conversation with my interviewer, she told me, “Oh. my. god. You are PERFECT. I’m putting a star at the top of your application for when I send it to producers!”

Yes, in a sea of Ohioans at this casting call, my sparkling Michigander self and application shined brightly.

AND THEN THEY PICKED HIM FOR BACHELOR BUT DIDN’T FUCKING CALL ME EVEN THOUGH THEY REALLY GOT MY HOPES UP (WHICH WAS MEAN, BTW).

But you know what, let’s not dwell on this. The producers *clearly* realized I was too sassy and level-headed for the type of asinine shit that sometimes occurs on the show (especially during downtime in the house. You’re not going to see me get drunk and test the effectiveness of a football helmet by ramming my head against various things, a la Megan.) The producers wisely decided that even though a Big 10 couple would definitely be the cutest thing to ever appear on the show, I needed to stay in Ann Arbor and finish my degree. Obviously.

Now that I’ve built my ego back up, all I can say is good luck to the girls on his season, because I will be aggressively talking shit about you on this blog. And Ben? The odds of this working out are really against you. You can find me in Ann Arbor when filming wraps!

*wipes tears* Ok, time for BIP 8/24 live feed

——

Whose vajayjay did they just censor?!?!

Okay, producers obviously made that little birthday cake for Joe and edited him to look really pathetic

Ashley I trying to find solace in Joe…..why even bother, honey

Every time they cut to a confessional of Ashley I with her horrible Kim K crying face, I feel sad but can’t control my laughter

Ashley I those nails are RATCH, I know the runners will go buy you fake nails and nail glue if you asked!!!!!!!

Yeah you spray that hair spray and pat the weave, Mikey

Juelia please don’t tell me you are seriously considering Mikey as a good replacement dad for your kid?

NO YOU DID NOT JUST GET OUT OF YOUR PLANE SEAT TO SIT ON MIKEY’S LAP AND MAKE OUT NO YOU DIDN’T

I completely forgot Josh was in paradise

Sam is looking at Nick like a ravenous wolf and I am afraid

Oh so now Joe feels like it’s good timing to show everyone the text messages that supposedly didn’t exist

Players gonna play play play play play, Joe

“We can have a text message conversation but you don’t know what’s gonna happen in real life, you know?” Well, I can tell you you gave Joe a hand job in a hot tub on national television in real life!

I’m waiting for the third party of “Textgate” to reveal himself….Nick, where you at?!

Joe’s an ass, but Sam is straight COLD

Love seeing the contestants do things they truly enjoy together, not producer-planned dates. Fish ur lil hearts out, Kirk and Carly

That’s not the most beautiful sunset ever, Carly. Come to Michigan

Juelia’s face reminds of a spider. Like beady spider eyes

Juelia and Mikey’s wrestling date is the type of dumb shit I’d be mad I’d have to pretend to enjoy if I was on the show #notsalty

Juelia trying to jump into the ring in a maxi skirt lololololol

Maybe Juelia’s sweet sincerity can bring Mikey back down to earth. Maybe

“You’re a man” “Thank you” good talk, Mikey

Producers were like “Mikey we guarantee you a fantasy suite date on your first date card if you come back pls”

Juelia wakes up with false lashes on

Juelia has tooooooootal sex hair in her confessional in the morning

“I think each day in paradise gets worse and worse?” should be this show’s slogan

Joe and Ashley I are both socially awkward and sort of dumb so their little “fresh start” plan is hilarious in all ways

Sam does not think this plan is funny. Sam is devoid of humor

Zero people remember Justin from Kaitlyn’s season

Zero people value Joe’s friendship more than they value girls

“You’re a great conversator” ://///

“Joe’s gonna go straight Kentucky crazy” *insert gorilla noises here*

*JJ voice* U GONNA CRY, JOSEPH?

True that, Ashley I, Sam can’t end things permanently with Joe because she looooves the attention

“Country Joe” should really catch on. Is that what they call him behind his back? I hope so

Sam worked so hard to get all these guys to fall for her in case producers put one of them on the show, but you can’t pull one over on the producers…..they brought them ALL on

Joe just admitted Sam is way too pretty for him and out of his league. We know, Joe

——

Ok, I’m bored to tears with this Sam plot. Normally, I’d be super excited to read what Joe has in his inbox from her, but unless there’s anything juicier than “Do whatever it takes to stay until I get there” (which we’ve heard at least 32 times so far), then I really don’t care. Next week, they’re just going to reiterate this text from her 50 more times, and I don’t care what happens between Sam and Justin because who the hell is Justin?! When are we going to get to the point when Ashley I requests a fantasy suite and someone says, “So you’re not a virgin anymore AND you might be pregnant?!” Does Ashley I end up sympathizing with heartbroken Joe and takes him to her suite and becomes pregnant with his bastard gorilla child? Let’s get to this storyline already! 

Here’s some of the highlights from the stars’ tweets during this week’s episodes:

Joe had some thoughts on Juelia's sudden love for Mikey:

You know, Joe, I said the same thing....

Juelia responded:

Taking the high road. Sort of.

Kirk shared a behind the scenes moment:

A special BIP deleted scene!

Jade felt....sympathy? Or something? for Ashley I:

Ashley I is definitely Clueless. In the best possible way.


Tanner's got JOKES (and mad Photoshop skills):

"Hey Joseph? OR WHAT?" (Side note: this photo of Sam was probably taken off PornHub.)

And of course, beloved franchise producer Elan had this to say:

Couldn't have said it any better.

BIP 8/23 livefeed

I realize I’m posting my live feed of Sunday night’s episode during Monday night’s episode, which only makes it even more glaringly lame how I have to watch Bachelor in Paradise on Hulu instead of on cable like everyone else, but this is the only time I’ve had wifi all day, so I really can’t help it. My mom and I decided to spontaneously travel up north, stopping wherever we feel like, which sounds great, but the weather is absolute shit and we can’t do anything outside without being whipped around by the wind and rained on. Much like Ashley S and Nick in this episode, we don’t really have anything to do tonight, so we’re probably going to end up drinking.

Keeping that in mind, here’s the live feed of BIP 8/23

——

*Ominous music over shot of “caution: crabs” sign*

Jared is always the voice of reason. I feel like he wonders why he’s in paradise

“Hey Joseph? OR WHAT?” Ur such a man JJ

“We did conversate” :////

Juelia: tbh I don’t want a rose if it’s from u JJ

When Sam says she didn’t want drama but she was cast purely because of her existing relationship with Joe

When Joe says “I like you a lot” he sounds exactly like the Jim Carrey line

Dan is extremely awkwardly sitting between Amber and Ashley S lol

Everyone on the cast knows exactly what happened between Sam and Joe and they’re still lying and it’s really pointless??? Just admit you schemed and you’ll look slightly less stupid?

Cool Snooki poof Carly

Juelia’s facial features are weirdly small

Tanner is my DUDE

JJ’s gonna pull a Clare at rose ceremony for sure

“I just wanna get away from the drama and stare at Jared all the time” same

Jared and Ashley I are actually cute. Wish he loved her back

Did Ashley I just make fun of Chris’ lips lol (she’s right tho, he was definitely a bad kisser by the looks of it)

Dan is going to pick Amber and then a scorned Ashley S is going to come back and set paradise on fire. Like literal arson

Why is this entire show about Juelia? Good god

“What’s up?” “Good” Ok Juelia good talk

….did Mikey and Juelia really have a ~connection~ because I don’t remember that

Carly’s hair is just a rat’s nest at rose ceremony

LITERALLY GASPED WHEN JJ SAID ASHLEY S. Did not see that coming AT ALL

“I broke up with somebody to come here” what? What???

What is JJ’s speech as he leaves?? “I am selfless and I am courageous” What???

Dan is like “lol fuck”

Chris Harrison is like damn this cast needs a minute every ceremony

“Dan is such a grandpa” alright Ashley S don’t be salty

This whole time no one cares that Clare is definitely leaving tonight lol

I don’t care that Dan didn’t pick Juelia. He’s under no obligation to make her stay

Did Clare just admit she’s upset she never got to be the Bachelorette?! HAHAHAHA

OMFG MIKEY IS HERE TO SAVE JUELIA

You can see unhappiness oozing out of that hole between Joe’s eyebrows

“Sherbet orange deep v”

YAY Jade and Tanner time!

Ugh I want to pop bottles of champagne on a private plane too

And their date is at a tequila distillery?! FOMO

Joe has always pictured marrying someone who looks like Sam? Dude aims high

And now it comes out that Sam was texting multiple dudes tryna guarantee her 15 minutes of fame in paradise

Sam is SO SKETCHY

Mikey is just reveling in being the one who gets to tell Nick what’s gone on so far, even though he’s been kicked off once lol

Nick and Ashley are like “haha this date is so fun! Haha”

They don’t have anything else to do so they just get incredibly drunk in the middle of the day. Sounds a lot like college

When the producers frame the story to make a bird tell Ashley to grab Nick’s package?

This hot tub date sounds like every drunk conversation I’ve ever had at a party

Tanner doesn’t want to spend a day without Jade. Feels.

Tanner is presh. Idk about Jade

Happy birthday, asshat

I hope Nick reveals to the whole house the extent of his relationship with Sam (who am I kidding, that’s obviously going to happen eventually)

Jade is Tanner’s third girlfriend ever. Aw

Jared is just hanging out in Mexico (and occasionally making out with Ashley I) but otherwise completely isolated from “the game”

When Jared name drops Kaitlyn…..yikes

That bed on the beach is like Dump Central. If your significant other wants to go talk on that bed, prepare thyself because you’re getting dumped af

HAHAHAHAHAHA Kaitlyn on the other end of the phone is like “wait what?”

When Joe throws himself a birthday party because he is a mean friendless loser

After their lusty 1 week affair, Sam is reconsidering. SHOCKING

Sam’s breakup speech is so insincere

Does this mean Nick is going to jilt Ashley S for Sam now?

Sam used Joe to get a rose and stay to see who she’s *really* waiting for in paradise? Karma’s such a bitch, Joe

WTF is Joe planning????

——

?!?! is really all I have to say after this episode. Definitely some curveballs. I guess ~anything can happen in paradise~ Sam is exactly the type of villain you expect to find on this franchise, which makes it even more hilarious that she didn’t make it past like 1 episode of Chris’ season. After the events of this episode, though, the plot seems kinda flat, with the exception of her. But to be completely honest, I’m not sure this was a good move on producers’ part, considering no one likes Sam, and no one gives a shit who she ends up with next. Watching her dump Joe was entertaining karma enough; no one wants to watch him cry over losing her/argue with the next dude who reveals he’s been texting her for months.

If you need me, I’ll be crying into my beer, mourning the fact that producers didn’t choose me even though I had literally the best audition ever, when they announce Ben H as the next Bachelor tonight. RIP to my soul.

Everyone's a pervert

“Everyone's a pervert!!!!!!” I cried to my parents on Wednesday. This was my reaction to learning that Jared from Subway thought losing half his body weight made him sexually attractive to children, and that 38 million adulterers’ information was now public via the Ashley Madison hack (including Josh Duggar, who can now add “cheater with probable STDs because I don’t believe in condoms” to his already shining resume of “blatant bigot and child/sister molester.” Smh.)

This was a bad week for me to learn of this news, because my brain had already been reeling thinking about Kylie Jenner, her overly sexualized appearance & its effect on her millions of teenage followers, and all the fucking weirdo dudes on the Internet who “couldn’t wait for her to turn 18” so that they could feel less guilty about their creepy teenage fetish, including her own 25 year old boyfriend. Does this make Tyga a pervert? I think it does. Anyway.

With all this happening in the news, I had perverts on the brain, and I became hyper paranoid about it. I even drove into town and immediately thought “OMG HOT GUYS” upon seeing a soccer field full of shirtless dudes, only to realize that the soccer field was at the high school*. Some of those children I accidentally ogled** were probably not even legal to drive a car yet and I am on the brink of 22. Oh my god, I thought. AM I A PERVERT????

(*It should be noted that my destination was the high school, so context clues should’ve prevented this whole situation. Not one of my brighter moments.)
(**I’m near sighted and the kids were pretty far away, so no actual ogling was done. I’m not a pervert. I swear.***)
(***https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Wab_lbRQo4)

But no, a quick review of literally all of my past behavior and thoughts other than that one reveals I am indeed not a pervert. This was solidified when I encountered the KING OF PERVERTS in Ann Arbor last night.

As I left my car on Washington Street and headed toward work, I notice this dude up yonder was bent over “tying his shoes” for a really long time. As I got closer, I notice dude’s wearing Daisy Dukes with his entire ass, which is covered in red sores, hanging out. If we’re being honest, this wouldn’t be the first time I saw an inappropriate amount of ass on the streets of Ann Arbor, but something about this was not quite right. I continued walking and realized this dude had been bent over for an ODDLY long time. I quick glanced at him as I passed and in that quick glance, I saw the face of a TRUE AND LEGITIMATE PERVERT looking at me from between his legs and dangling schlong.

That’s right, those Daisy Dukes were also CROTCHLESS. ?!?!?!?!?!

Considering this was one of the most terrifying and disgusting moments of my life, I quickened my pace as I continued to work, and got a little panicky as I looked over my shoulder and saw King Pervyson approaching on his bike. He ended up passing me but slowing his pace as he approached 2 more women and opened his leg toward them. WTF? Did I really just get flashed on the street and then watch it happen again?!

I walked into work, but I was shaken up and semi-sweaty, so I felt like telling all my coworkers what I just witnessed, so they could share the burden of disgust :-) This is when I learned some of my coworkers had seen him around the area hours earlier.

Can we just pause for a second? A flashing pervert on a vintage bike wearing a straw fedora, neon green glasses, and crotchless jean shorts has been riding around campus waving his dick around for HOURS and NO ONE HAS SAID ANYTHING YET? Can we collectively say WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!

At this point, my managers approached and said they needed one less server on the floor. Good thing that person was me, otherwise I probably would’ve started warning all my guests about the pervert riding around out front. Bad for business.

As with every time I’ve had to contact the police (2 other times in my life. ugh), I wasted precious time by calling my mom first, because I am a helpless grown ass child. She was thoroughly appalled as well, but laughed a little at me, because out of her 3 children, I am seriously the only one who would be in this situation. ~Just Lauren things~

So I walked the 3 blocks to the police station instead of calling 911 (rookie mistake. Damn it, Lauren) and had to awkwardly explain to the after hours intercom box thing that I got flashed by a serial pervert half an hour ago and everyone said I should report it. They buzzed me up, and the cop behind the window, who thankfully was female, and I exchanged nervous laughter as I had to describe in depth what just happened, using proper anatomical terminology. Then she scolded me for not calling 911 immediately, because the dude was probably “halfway to Ypsilanti by now.” (I can’t help but feel like we had an unspoken mutual understanding that King Pervert was probably an Ypsi townie.)

But given my incredibly thorough description of Pervy McPerverson and the fact that he’d been out there violating innocent eyes for hours, I was not at all surprised when the cop called me 15 minutes later to tell me the bulletin she issued for him was picked up by campus police, who promptly arrested him. Apparently it’s not that hard to find a guy on a bike wearing a straw fedora, fake neon glasses, and the equivalent of denim ass-less chaps. Go figure!!!

At this point, I don’t have to go to work, but it’s rush hour, and I became very stressed and got hives (it’s seriously so hard being this lame), so I attempted to drive up to the Arb, where I could clear my mind with nature and shit, but then the campus police called me and asked for a statement. So here I am, stuck in lane to lane traffic with my window down, clarifying for the police that “his penis and scrotum were hanging out in full view” when I notice the guy in the lane next to me also has his window down and can hear everything I’m saying, as if I’m loudly describing a sexual encounter in a traffic jam rather than providing a legal statement. Guy in car was definitely an eavesdropping pervert.

And that was kind of the end of it all. He was arrested so quickly that a hilarious UM PD crime alert wasn’t even emailed to everyone, which everyone knows is the only perk to falling victim to an odd crime on campus.

I wish I had some witty conclusion or overarching moral to link all those stories together, but I don’t, so you read all that for nothing. Basically, the only points I have are:

1. If someone is riding around town wearing clothing that purposely exposes their dick to your non-consenting eyes, that’s definitely worth calling 911 about

2. EVERYONE’S A PERVERT

Tattoo FAQ

When I was 18 and got a tattoo of the country of Spain on my left wrist, I didn’t anticipate using my left hand to drop beer and plates of food in front of people 50 times a day and subsequently being asked “What state is that?????” each time. Since I’m usually at work when I hear this, I have to be polite and respond appropriately, but I’ve got to be honest: I hate being asked this. As with many peoples’ tattoos, mine is fairly personal; it’s not a story you chat about in passing with strangers on the street.

That’s not to say I never talk about it. Last weekend, I had a couple who stayed through the majority of my shift, asking lots of questions about the menu and enjoying their bottle of wine. We chatted a lot and had built a rapport, so I didn’t mind too much when the woman discreetly tapped her wrist with an inquiringly look. Likewise, I didn’t mind divulging a bit of the story behind my tattoo when my coworker shared some stories of her own trip to Spain over drinks a few nights ago. It’s the people who haven’t spoken a word to me besides ordering their food who ask “What state is that?” in between bites I don’t feel the need to explain to. It’s the 14 year old girls at Lollapalooza who said “I love your tattoo! What does it mean?” that I don’t want to converse with, for fear that I have already inspired them to get their own infinity sign or arrow tattoos (good thing they couldn’t see the Coco Chanel quote on my torso. Sigh.)

Visible tattoo FAQ
—————————

Q: What state is that?
A: It’s actually Spain. A country. In Europe.

Q: Why? Is that where you’re from?
A: No, I’m not Spanish. I visited Spain and it obviously had an impact on me.

Q: I thought that was Michigan at first ha ha
A: I wouldn’t get a tattoo of Michigan that didn’t look like a mitten and excluded the upper peninsula. Ha ha.

Q: I was going to guess Ohio/Wisconsin!
A: Being born and raised in Michigan, that is blasphemous and insulting. Get out.

Q: Where is the red dot?
A: Actually, that misshapen red dot is a heart. It’s on Seville.

Q: Oh, I don’t know where that is/I’ve never heard of it
A: Well, if you look at my wrist, it’s in the southwest of Spain, in the region of Andalusia. Although it is the fourth largest city in Spain, you’ve never heard of it because it’s not Madrid, Barcelona, or “where the bulls run.”

Q: Don’t you worry you won’t get a job with a tattoo like that?
A: Well, you’re actually speaking to me right now *at* my place of work, where I make more money than many of my student peers, and no one here has ever questioned my position here due to my extremely minimal visible body art. It is also quite ignorant to assume that regardless of my education, ability, and personality, I will not be hired due to my completely tasteful visible tattoo. I wouldn’t ask how you got a job if you had a blatantly unattractive outward appearance, would I? Thanks for your backhanded “worry” for me.

Q: But why wouldn’t you just get the tattoo somewhere else on your body?
A: There are several reasons why:

—Not every tattoo is suitable for every part of your body. This abstract concept is called “placement” and poor placement can ruin a perfectly good tattoo. I didn’t think this tattoo would look very nice anywhere else.

—I didn’t think strangers would constantly be sticking their nose in my business just because I have a tattoo you can see while I’m fully clothed.

—Because it’s my body and I can put it wherever the hell I want.

——————

Most of these questions are asked with genuine curiosity, not maliciousness. But keep in mind that a tattoo is a part of someone’s body; prying too deeply would be the same as asking someone why they style their hair that way, or why they talk the way they do. I know many people who love to discuss their tattoos; the inspiration behind it, the details, the artist who did it, how long it took, how much it hurt. Others are willing to share less, and it’s not your right to know just because it’s not hidden from your view. If someone gives you a vague response about their body art, that’s your cue not to press further. Next time you interrogate a stranger about their body, choose your words carefully, or some grumpy little troll like me will blog about you.

BIP 8/17 livefeed

Last night, I once again missed the new Bachelor in Paradise because I was really busy having a social life. My mother and I had dinner with my brother in Lansing, then we went to Target and strategically shopped using Target’s coupon app. When we realized west Lansing’s Target was out of my size in a particular shirt and pair of shoes, we actually took the time to drive to the Okemos store and look for them there. It was an EXTREMELY eventful evening.

Thank goodness for Amanda’s mom’s Hulu account, since DVR has yet to be introduced in the Bohac household. Livefeed from BIP 8/17

——

Chris Harrison just called Joe an asshole in the intro lmao

Let’s be real, Julia mostly wants to tell Sam what Joe did to her so that Sam will feel guilty for dating him, not to “save her” from him

“I’m on cloud 9” thx 4 the sensitivity Sam

If Julia didn’t want any drama, I feel like maybe she shouldn’t be on the Bachelor version of The Real World

Tanner is such a good dude. I would date Tanner. Tanner will u accept this rose

Even if that camera wasn’t on Joe and Sam during their ~secret conversation~ their mics are still on lol

It truly is a crazy coincidence that every time someone comes into paradise hoping someone is there, not only are they indeed in paradise but they happen to be romantically involved with the new arrival’s friend! CRAZY!!

Ashley S is straight up ATTACKING Dan whoa

Dan is actually so nice. Stay nice, Dan.

Tenley & Josh and Carly & Kirk are hideous couples

“I went to Cabo one time one spring break” I could’ve guessed that one, JJ

Every time JJ talks about Megan he mentions that she’s blonde ???

“Even though we’re different intellectually”……are you though, JJ?

I would feel bad watching Dan go on that date too…he looks fiiiiiiine

Joe and Samantha weirdly crab cradling in the water is something I could’ve gone without seeing

I don’t know why producers take the time to edit clips to make Clare talk to animals when Ashley S actually does it

When random people on the street start chanting “beso”…..I’m so sure that happened without producers telling them to

Dan is definitely a “double star”

Not sure how Amber forgot about Ashley S when Dan spent a good part of their date talking about her

“He’s the vill of the vills!” !!!!!

“I take personal offense when people fuck with girls’ emotions” hey JJ remember when you cheated on your wife

JJ’s like “WAS IT WORTH IT JOE? WAS IT?”

Why are they talking about their siblings’ intelligence levels? What

Joe was def taking a shot at JJ and Clint’s bromance when he said “you can’t go home with me” lol

STFU ASHLEY I DOES NOT CALL KAITLYN TO TALK ABOUT JARED NOOOOOOOOOOOO

That promo gave me heart palpitations

——

While this episode wasn’t particularly eventful, that promo for the rest of the season really made up for it (Jade and Tanner drama?!?! *cries*). Again, I found 2 things in this episode interesting:

1) The story lines are increasingly relying on social media and interactions between former contestants to stir up drama. I’m not sure whether I like it or not, but the producers sure know what they’re doing. The show formerly depicted a bubble of sorts where there is no contact with the outside world, and each season is separate from another. But hardcore fans know this is not the case; contestants from all seasons are constantly tweeting to each other, have each others’ numbers (as their tweets often indicate), are often seen in public hanging out, etc. I even read somewhere that Carly and Jade are roommates now. Producers are jumping on this instead of sweeping it under the rug; Nick and Kaitlyn reached out to one another in between seasons? Perfect. Sam and Joe knew they’d both be in paradise?? Even better. Ashley I has Kaitlyn’s number and calls her in tears for relationship advice about her ex??? GOLD.

2) We finally learn a bit more about the casting process for BIP. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been wondering why some contestants have been showing up and announcing that they’re hoping a particular contestant out of hundreds of formers will be there. I’m not dumb enough to think it’s coincidence, but I’ve been wondering how exactly this all worked. For example, Joe and Samantha had been talking before filming, so that’s how they knew they’d both been cast. But Michael showed up “hoping” Tenley would be there, even though it was clear they’d never met and he wasn’t sure she would be. Joe and JJ’s confrontation in this episode revealed that producers ask for a list of former contestants they hope to meet in paradise. Producers cast contestants accordingly, and drop them into filming based on the timing of the existing relationships their lists are already in, to create maximum drama. Boom.

At the end of this episode, I mostly am just wondering why they haven’t announced the next Bachelor.

BIP 8/16 livefeed

So even though I am homeless in Ann Arbor right now and mooching off my parents, I still watched Bachelor in Paradise a day late on Hulu, because I was too busy attending the going away party for one of my managers, who is moving to Peru and traveling the world for an indefinite period of time. Since most attendees were from the service industry, there was bomb ass food and beer, and even a rousing game of Slip n Flip, where you slide down the slip n slide into a table where you must then play flip cup. It was way too good of a time to leave early, even for BIP. (I know what you’re thinking….I have cool people in my life who do things like pack up and move to Peru, yet all I do is sit around blogging about Bachelor In Paradise and eating brownie batter Oreos. But I bet you’re not that cool either, so shut the hell up.)

Livefeed of the most dramatic episode thus far, BIP 8/16

——

Jared popping out from behind that tree gets me every time

Chris Harrison is like god damn it Clare I’m so sick of ur shit after 3 seasons with u

Ashley I has a shit eating grin because she’s not the one crying at this particular moment

Mikey wants to curb stomp Clare with all his testosterone now

Joe sure blinks a lot for someone who seems like their brain might not be fully functioning

Nice flash tat Samantha, which srat are u in

“She’s the perfect specimen, how can I compete with that?”
—thoughts every woman has had at one point, we feel for you Julia :’(

Social media is ruining the Bachelor franchise because now all these weirdos from different seasons talk and hook up OFFSCREEN TOO

Samantha literally looks like a Barbie….r u real? Are thighs that thin and eyes that blue humanly possible?

Ew that flashback of Joe violently attacking Julia’s mouth to prove a point actually proves nothing except he could probably chew your lip off if he tried hard enough

There was approximately 0 dialogue on Joe and Samantha’s date. I bet they really got to know each other on a deeper level.

Joe is avoiding talking to Julia because she’s being “a Debbie Downer.” Joe is in middle school.

“Villains gonna vill” makes its return!

Samantha’s real laugh is like that awkward forced laugh when your drunk friend is getting too touchy and you try to nicely push them far away

Ok you have to admit it’s funny they tried to make it look like Clare had a phone convo with her raccoon homie

Probably shouldn’t zoom in on Kirk’s sun poisoning if we’re trying to frame him as “the sexiest guy here”

When Jorge the bartender jumps in on the date card presentation hahahaha

Carly’s all “tryna fuck?” and Kirk’s like “preferably not, my apologies”

When Dan says “worldwind” instead of “whirlwind” ://///

Wait can they please reveal what red flags Dan didn’t immediately see about Ashley S? I really feel like they’re all pretty blatant

Carly’s eyebrows are 3 times as dark and thick as Kirk’s, I’m just saying

Kirk is trying so hard to communicate with Carly and she’s just heart eye emoji

I think Dan may be the only dude here capable of a successful breakup

Wait, why are they allowed to have cell phones on BIP???????

Carly missed her brother’s wedding in Ireland for this garbage?? Girl….

Well that was a quick change of heart, Kirk *Marvin Gaye plays in background*

“Aloha, Mexico!” ://///

Is anyone truly surprised Megan and Ashley I are friends

JJ makes self-deprecating jokes about unemployment. Sad.

“She’s like a pinball machine” ummm what does that mean Kirk? Do I even want to know?

“If a trash bag asked me out on a one on one, I would’ve said yes” alright JJ, desperation isn’t cute on anyone

I have absolutely no idea what they just bleeped out of Joe’s dialogue

Watching Joe and Samantha aggressively make out is making me beyond uncomfortable this shit is like NC-17

“Look at this douchebag,” says undeniably the biggest douchebag in the house who coincidentally is also wearing American flag shorts

Why is Jade even a part of this conversation tho

OOOOOOH when Julia pulls Samantha in!!!!! *snap*

Joe doesn’t even know Julia’s name #ok

——

Shit is getting REAL in paradise as dudes are getting stolen and sex is finally making an appearance after two whole weeks in the house.

Yet for me, the notable thing about this episode is the presence of technology. It is well known that Bachelor(ette) contestants are prohibited from using cell phones, laptops, tablets, etc. to communicate with anyone outside of the show during filming. Internet, TV, and even magazines aren’t allowed in the house/wherever they film. It’s odd to me that 2 contestants on BIP whipped out their formerly prohibited cell phones on camera in this episode. Even more odd is it comes during the episode where the social media storyline between contestants (much like Nick and Kaitlyn, before she knew she was the next Bachelorette) comes into play. Coincidence, or subtle context clue?

Either way, I can’t wait until I watch tonight’s episode tomorrow to see which smarty pants can catch Joe and Samantha in their lie, as they continue to deny knowing each other prior to BIP filming, even though literally everyone could immediately tell (I kind of hope it’s Tanner, tbh. Dude needs more airtime.) 

BIP 8/10 livefeed

Because I am a great person, I helped Shelby move out of her apartment today as she lingers between leases and moves back to her parents’ house in Ohio for 2 weeks. She found an unopened bottle of wine in her fridge and passed it on to me, because I look like the type of person who needs free wine (she’s not wrong).

Which I realized would be the perfect addition to me and Amanda’s last night living together/Bachelor in Paradise viewing party of two. I cooked us dinner, and we enjoyed our free wine and split a brownie Amanda brought home from work. We’re poor, but cute.

So here we go, live feed from 8/10 episode.

——

Mikey in his too small underwear= not necessary on camera

Do you think Jade’s boobs are fake? The contestants were talking about it one time and now I can’t decide either

Mikey’s one attractive quality was his beard, so shaving was probably not the best move to get Clare back

WTF IS MIKEY’S LITTLE FOUNTAIN SPOUT PONYTAIL? SAD ATTEMPT AT A MAN BUN, BUD

“She’s like a child in a woman’s body” is exactly how I would describe Ashley I also, Kirk

Jared has moves and it makes me uncomfortable because I still think he’s a vampire

Was it necessary to play the audio of Clare sexually screaming for the entirety of the bungee jump

NOOOOO they played that clip of Joe saying “gimme that rose” again like I prayed they wouldn't

I know Julia means that her butt hurts because they went horseback riding but hehehehe

Don’t listen to him, Joe, you’re definitely not pretty enough to be a model, unless we’re talking about those Geico caveman commercials

Am I the only one who thinks Tenley is really fake and annoying

How does JJ know Michael is a Notre Dame grad (ew, btw) and a corporate lawyer? I feel like he might be a Bachelorette fan girl

“I wish diarrhea on Michael” was maybe too specific of a wish, Josh

Second time this season Mikey has asked permission to kiss someone and gotten denied #lolz

Does the show provide wardrobe for the contestants? All the mens’ cuffed white linen vacay pants are a bit much

Why would you want to eat dinner with your feet in standing water? That’s not romantic that’s weird AF

When Jared tries to dump Clare by ~casually~ mentioning she’s 8 years older ://///

I kind of feel bad for Mikey??? What is the nonsense feeling

Ashley S is proof that being a total fucking weirdo doesn’t mean you can’t be pretty!

Mikey is always so sweaty. Sad.

Am I a totally shitty person for not being able to take Joe seriously because of his accent

They played the “gimme that rose clip” AGAIN. I’m done with this show. Bye.

The snake onscreen during Joe’s voiceover symbolizes his sinister motives. I know this because I am a comm major. (Hire me pls)

Mikey seems like he has a small dick

“Go drink a protein shake”
—what my muttered response to everything Mikey says would be too, Joe

Jonathan wearing a vest and red pants in Mexico…….at least it’s not white linen pants

Jonathan crying over being a bad friend to Joe is actually so sweet if you disregard the fact that Joe is evil…..SOMEBODY LOVE THIS MAN

Yeah Michael is 10000000% gay

Ashley I’s face lights up when she talks to Jared. Precious.

Jared looks like a BOMB ASS KISSER ooooh lawdddd

Instead of responding to Clare during her little speech in the common room, Jade decides to call her out in front of Chris Harrison during the rose ceremony hahahahahhaha bitch move, but I like it

I bet Clare leaves dramatically tonight instead of just giving her rose to a rando

Lol knew it

——

WTF BIP? You’re just gonna leave it like that? Do Mikey, JJ, Michael, and Jonathan ALL go home?? Even for this franchise, sending 4 people home is unprecedented. If anyone goes home, it should be Michael, considering in his like 8 total minutes of screen time, it’s clear he’s gay. Next week, I'm pretty excited to see how Joe dumps Julia to make out with the porn star looking girl he's been waiting for from Chris's season, which I watched and still have no recollection of dis bitch. Whatever, I’m going to Tina Tuesday.

BIP 8/9 livefeed

Like the stereotypical college students we are, Amanda and I are too poor for cable. Luckily, we [have friends who] have Netflix, HBO Go, and Hulu, so we’re never out of things to watch. The problem is we religiously follow one particular current cable franchise: The Bachelor/Bachelor in Paradise. (Do I really have a blog where 1/3 of the posts are dedicated to The Bachelor? Why am I so mom) We can’t watch the show on cable, but we can watch it 24 hours later when it’s posted on Hulu. So enjoy (or ignore….probably ignore) my 24 hour late live feed of Sunday’s Bachelor in Paradise episode:

——

How is Lauren’s personal hell a two week vacay in Mexico?

“I'm kind of a mistress but he’s not married” 

Oh

What the fuck are Carly’s eyebrows

THAT DRAMATIC ZOOM ON THE HULA GIRL TAT nearly killed Amanda and I…..the producers of this show should seriously consider comedy

Why does JJ hate Josh so much? Did Josh tell Kaitlyn about him and Clint in the hot tub?! i don’t remember that

Ashley and Lauren have such a horrible relationship….they attack each other's self esteem like nobody’s business and have weird attachment issues

Why the fuck would you have to drag your suitcase through the sand to get to the cab

JJ’s shoulder tattoo is seriously so bad

When Tanner says Joe is tough competition but Joe can’t read……

How did Joe even get on The Bachelorette? Why couldn’t I get on The Bachelor? #salty

This “Clare talks to animals when she’s upset” editing would probably be more effective with Ashley S

Raccoons are my biggest fear and I cannot watch this monster open this perfectly good bottle of wine!!!!!!

Jonathan hopes Joe and Julia don’t have a good time #SAVAGE

When Josh thinks Tokyo is in China ://///

Tenley: What do you got JJ
JJ: A LOT
I think that was rhetorical

Jonathan thinks Joe is using Julia to get a rose but actually Joe walked into the house with a date card not knowing anyone and Julia literally just kept saying “i want to go horseback riding” so I'd have to say that one was all her

“He’s a welder from Idaho who does molly????” will be the best line from this season

When Tenley talks about her past she makes it seem like she exclusively accidentally dates guys with drug problems

No I seriously can’t look at Carly’s eyebrows who let her go on TV like that

Joe loves kids *creepy smile*

I’m really not seeing this “Joe is sexy” thing

“JJ is a good man”???? Yah good at cheating on his wife 

The show should be narrated by Dan imitating Joe's accent

Also Dan could pass for Hugh Jackman

Mikey: I don’t think I should have to try this hard
Tenley: Then maybe don’t try
I have a feeling he has had this exact conversation at least 4 times in his life

Where is Jared in this episode

When Ashley I squats and conspicuously pees on the beach like no one can tell what she’s doing ://///

Why do they pretend having crabs run rampant all over the house is normal (ha ha no pun intended I’m sure everyone’s genitals are mostly crab-free)

Joe: She’s not very smart, is she??? UR AN ASSHOLE JOE. BYE JOE.

Amanda just pointed out that Kirk looks like Owen Hunt from Grey’s Anatomy and now I can’t unsee

WHEN JONATHAN WAS RIGHT ABOUT JOE PLAYIN THE GAME FOR A ROSE *audible gasp in our living room*

“Casually letting my balls hang out of my shorts in 2 different seasons of The Bachelor franchise: A memoir” by Joe

“Juicy lips” is a phrase that never needs to be said, especially not in reference to Jared

“Mikey’s perception of reality is a little skewed” yah well you’re all participants on the same reality tv show, bud

Only on BIP could Jared ever be the guy everyone is fighting over

Poor Ashley I and her Kim Kardashian crying face. Sad.

Mikey is the kind of guy who will claim he’s in the "friend zone" instead of taking a fucking hint

Also the kind of guy who calls himself Mikey into his 30s

WHAT IS THAT WET SPOT WHERE CLARE WAS SITTING NEXT TO HIM??? AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SAW THAT?

I never ever need to see that clip of Joe saying "Gimme that rose” again

——

And there you have it. Apparently I hate Joe.

Amanda and I were so anxious to watch tonight’s episode that we tried to illegally stream it off her laptop. It didn’t work. Guess we’ll have to wait until tomorrow. ~sigh~

Big week for that time of the month

Just days after disparaging comments Donald Trump made about the GOP debate moderator’s possible menstruation cycle left him uninvited (lol) to the RedStates GOP gathering,  periods are again being talked about in the news. A weird headline about a woman who ran the London marathon without a tampon caught my attention today. The woman, who is famous-ish I guess for drumming for M.I.A., said her period started the night before the marathon and she thought a tampon would be uncomfortable, so she bled freely and used the attention to remind folks that many women in the world don’t have access to feminine hygiene products.

Honestly, I don’t really have strong opinions on this. Women bleed. They always have. I don’t really know why this is still a weird or gross thought to people. And as a female who has done a lot of long distance running, I see where she’s coming from. I’m not sure I would ever go freely, but I’m not sure I’d be mortified if I leaked either (which is mostly because long distance runners are total fucking weirdos about bodily functions….they pretty much poop on a schedule and have no qualms about peeing mid-race. Idk man.) All in all, this story is kind of odd, but not really a big deal either.

Then I saw the comments.

“Women have become brutish, grotesque beasts.”

“The ONLY thing this brings attention to is THE NASTINESS of this female”

“Free pooping and peeing for those who have no toilet paper?”

“A lot of women in the world don't have access to water, food, health care, human rights/freedom, a safe roof over their head... and this is what you chose to advocate? I guess we pick and choose the battles we feel we can win?”

And most importantly

“Who's gonna ride this stinker now? She already had nothing going for her in the looks department.”

These comments aren’t even about me, and they made me cry. Let’s address some things.

Women have been menstruating since the beginning of their existence, and if you think back to waaaay back then, feminine hygiene products hadn’t been invented yet…..so women haven’t BECOME anything. And btw, you sound kind of brutish yourself.

If this lady is “nasty” for having a period, so is every woman in your life, including your probably non-existent girlfriend and your mom, who couldn’t have birthed you without it. Your mother must be pretty disappointed in how you speak about women :/

While urinating and bowel movements are also bodily functions that you cannot stop, those are not things your body experiences constantly (I hope) for 24 hours a day for 5-7 days, so you get the chance to take care of that on your own time in private. And if we’re talking about costs, don’t you dare try to tell me you can’t find a large pack of toilet paper for $3, while women have to pay 3-6 times that for a small box of TAMPONS. (This is off topic, but can I also complain here how expensive bras are??? Why does it cost so much more to be female this is ridiculous ugh)

You know that whole “Black lives matter” vs. “All lives matter” argument? And the comparison of running through a cancer charity event screaming “Other diseases are bad too!”? Yeah, that’s kind of what saying “Women don’t have access to other things, too” is like. Yes, there are women who don't have access to clean water, food security, shelter, human rights……and these same women typically also don’t have access to female specific hygiene products, so you actually just emphasized this point :-)

And lastly………you don’t want to “ride” this woman now that she’s been bleeding??? Oh the horror!!!!!!! Since you’re clearly a virgin, I have some sad news for you….whatever woman for some reason one day sleeps with you, she will have a period. And that woman (and every woman) serves a purpose on this earth other than to be harassed and have sex with you. And guess what else, you disgusting pervert? No woman wants to “ride” a nasty lil shit like you who thinks it’s appropriate to stick his hand down and pants and scratch his balls in public which, unlike a period, you CAN control.

BYEEEEE FELICIA 

Reasons I should be on The Bachelor

After Kaitlyn kicked Ben H off The Bachelorette so two assholes could fight over her, I reacted as the rest of America did and tweeted that I was going to the next casting call in case he became the next Bachelor. 

Except I actually did it, and didn’t just tweet about it. 

At the casting call, they tell you to expect a phone call within 2 weeks if you’re moving on to the next round. It has now been 2 weeks and 2 days, and I have yet to receive my phone call, so I’m assuming my tape got lost in transit between the casting call and the casting director’s desk. It’s ok, Lacey Pemberton, I’ll just post this here to make up for that!

Reasons I should be on The Bachelor (if Ben H is next)

1. He doesn’t suck
—In fact, he’s probably the only contestant on his season/every season ever that I didn’t openly consider a complete idiot at least once. He overall seems like a super charming, genuine, and totally normal guy, which actually makes me question why he was ever on the show.

2. He’s well-spoken
—There are few things more attractive than a guy who can eloquently say exactly what he’s trying to say. Is this a trait that comes with age or something? Why are guys my age all mumbling buffoons with the vocabulary of a 7 year old?

3. Especially about his feelings
—His comment about wanting Kaitlyn to explore her feelings to their fullest extent and supporting her through them was probably the most emotionally intelligent statement I’ve ever heard. Are conversations in which you take emotions seriously just not possible in your early twenties? I feel like I’m intensely impressed by these qualities which should probably be basic human qualities everyone possesses.

4. He’s only 26
—The first digit is the same in both of our ages, so this makes our 4 year age difference essentially irrelevant (#logic). Bonus points: my older brothers are also soon to be 26. They deserve a brother-in-law their age!

5. Might propel my victory lap
—Ok, yes, our 4 year age difference means I am still in college, so filming the show would mean taking at least one semester off…..which would actually be fine with me, considering I have INTENSE FOMO when I think of all my friends going back to school Fall 2016, while I lamely become a jobless graduate in May.

6. He’s from the midwest!
—It’s no secret how much I love my state of Michigan, and Ben was lucky enough to grow up near southwest Michigan……..….in Indiana. Ok, Indiana is not Michigan, but at least he’s not from Ohio.

7. AND WENT TO A BIG 10 SCHOOL TOO
—Just imagine: our 1 on 1 date takes place at the IU v. UMich game this fall. It’s November, so we’re cold AF and cuddling in our clashing school colors. The non-existent college stadium Kiss Cam zooms in on us. Harbaugh calls a timeout and has the ref announce that we’re the cutest couple in America. Fireworks over the stadium as Michigan wins. THINK ABOUT THE RATINGS THIS EPISODE WOULD GET.

8. But he now lives in Denver
—Where my favorite group of extended family happens to reside. Is that just coincidence? Am I pretending this means we have something in common but is actually irrelevant to my life? Yes, and yes. Just go with it. (Although it should be noted that I do really like Colorado and would totes move there for ~luv~)

9. We have similar interests
—A quick glance at Ben’s social media shows photos of trips to breweries and outdoor concerts, which, as anyone who knows me can attest to, are LITERALLY MY 2 FAVORITE ACTIVITIES. He also hikes a lot, which I would like to do too if I didn’t live in the flattest region of my state/the country :(

10. I would be good for TV
—I’m just going to throw it out there for I won Most Dramatic in high school, I have a penchant for arguing, and I cry easily. I was possibly born for reality TV. I am ashamed.

11. Possibility of becoming the Bachelorette
—In all honesty, I would probably come in third place if I ever were a Bachelor contestant, because my hometown probably make for a horrible episode. Historically, the third placer of every season is totally loved by America (naturally) so the producers choose them to be the next Bachelor(ette). Tbh, I don’t know if I’d be interested in being the Bachelorette, but it probably pays well.

12. Why not?
—Doing dumb shit like appearing on reality tv is something you can only do in your twenties, when you can put your entire life on hold because you have no pertinent life responsibilities (except graduating but w/e). At best, I fall in love, and at worst, I am humiliated on national television. What could possibly go wrong?!?!

Now, it hasn’t even been announced who the next Bachelor is. During my interview, I made it abundantly clear that I didn’t want to be on the show if the next Bachelor was human pile of scum Nick, large hunk of meat Ben Z, or possible vampire Jared; I was there strictly for Ben H.

I’m going to save my own ego by assuming the reason I haven’t received a call from producers is because Ben H isn’t the next Bachelor, and not that my tape got lost in a cruel twist of fate.