My grown up Christmas list

Although I have 2 exams on Friday, I finished a 10 page paper today, and that called for a better celebration than studying. Katie and I hit up our favorite date night spot, Hopcat, for a burger, beer, and CRAACK FRIES. I told myself just one beer so that I could come home and study, but my one beer of choice just so happened to be 9% and I just so happened to be pretty sleep deprived so I was buzzed after 2 sips. Of course I then decided there were 2 very important things I needed to do tonight: 1) make my Christmas list full of grown up items necessary to adulthood and 2) watch Friends With Benefits (the one with Mila and Justin, not Ashton and Natalie. They’re both amazing tho)

My grown up Christmas list

1. A job
Right now there is nothing I wish I had more than the ability to say I had a job set after graduation. My nervousness about job prospects is rising quickly like the water in the Titanic and I’m the Captain just staring out at the ocean like “Where did I go wrong???” My desperation level is about equal to Cal kidnapping a child on deck to get onto a life boat. Why do I keep comparing my life to Titanic? Probably because it was the Ship of Dreams. And right now my dreams have shipped FAR FAR AWAY. (Not quite to the bottom of the ocean yet, there’s still time. Titanic didn’t sink until April, which is also when I graduate. Coincidence? Absolutely not.)

2. A sense of purpose/fulfillment
Hey if you ever feel like maybe you are TOO important just go to University of Michigan and soon you will learn you are a $3 puke green suit jacket from Goodwill in a sea of tuxedos (did you automatically think of Ross when I said tuxedo? Same.) If anyone could find a way to physically gift me this, thank you, and also, you should patent that

3. A guy who might actually like me
Are there people who actually make plans to go out together rather than hope they ~casually and totally unexpectedly~ run into each other by the end of the night? Are there people who actually speak to each other during daylight hours? Are there people who want to talk to you for reasons other than hoping it results in a hook up? Are there people who interact without any alcohol involved at all??? I mean for both humanity’s sake and selfish reasons I hope so, because all of that actually sounds kind of appealing…..is this what growing up feels like?

4. Underwear
For my adult sized ass

5. Random boring adult items I never thought I’d want
Like a crockpot and windshield wipers. Why the fuck do I want a crockpot so bad

6. Enough money to buy all the groceries I want
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to go to the grocery store and buy every single item you wanted? The brand name version, not Kroger version? I aspire to have this life one day

7. Harry Styles
Everyone: I feel like this item belongs more on a preteen Christmas list...

Me: shut the hell up

8. A get out of jail free card
I just feel like I’ll need this at least once in my adult life

9. Cookie dough bites
I have received these in my stocking every year since I was like 9 and if for some reason I were to not receive them this year because I'm an "adult" I would FLIP SOME SHIT

10. A dog
THERE IS literally no person on this entire earth that deserves a dog more than I do. It would take me 6 years to tell you all the reasons why and in that time I could already have a dog old enough for first grade so I’ll spare you. If you disagree you should probably not speak because quite frankly I might kill you (*Note: this is not representative of how I would care for my dog)

11. A self-cleaning humidifier
One time I tweeted “Sry I can’t go out, I have to disinfect my humidifier” and I was only mostly joking

12. New glasses
Me: I need new glasses, these aren’t really my style anymore
Molly: What kind of style are you?
Molly: Because I don’t think LensCrafters has a slut section
:////

13. A contour kit
If 14 year olds are painting the shit out of their faces and end up looking like Kardashians, then I could probably do a moderate job of looking like a heavily made up 22 year old, right??

14. Better presidential candidates
I don’t want to have to move to Iceland

15. Time travel
I would use this gift exclusively to go back in time and take back that episode of Grey’s Anatomy where they all sing

Reasons I hate Ohio State

After their loss to MSU yesterday and today being the first day of Rivalry Week, this is necessary.

———

Reasons I hate Ohio State

1. Could not do their 1 job
Are you for real Ohio? You go undefeated for 24 games and then THE ONE GAME that Michigan is actually relying on you to win, you lose???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??????? This is why Wolverines know better than to trust you with anything. Because you will always fail. God damn it.

via GIPHY

2. Mascot is a nut/pot leaf
I think when I was younger I assumed a buckeye was a deer related thing. I never really gave it much thought until recently, upon seeing the mascot’s stupid costume up close, it suddenly clicked with me that I had no idea what this thing was. When I went to visit my MSU roommate, who was interning in Columbus, I noticed her roommate’s OSU crafts all had this green pot leaf on them.
“Kaylee, why is there pot on this canvas???” I asked her.
She informed me that leaf is part of the buckeye.
“….OK BUT WHAT’S A BUCKEYE?” I finally had to ask.
It’s a nut, she said. A fucking nut. Whose leaves look like weed. Out of all the animals and inanimate objects to choose from, this is what Ohioans came up with to represent their school. It 100000% has to be in the bottom 3 of all college mascots ever. A FUCKING NUT.

3. Dumb students
At least when MSU and Michigan students fight about academics it’s mostly playful banter, because MSU knows it’s not easy to get in here and Michigan knows that MSU is a fine institution too (I attended both schools in my college career; can confirm).
But there are OSU students out there who will in all seriousness fight you to the death that OSU is academically superior to Michigan. How sad. Let’s not forget quarterback Cardale Jones’ iconic tweet about not attending OSU in order to take classes……or the time Ohio cheerleaders spelled their four letter state wrong. Also, consider the fact that I saw a kid on Snapchat at a tailgate in Columbus drinking out of a shoe. Just something to consider.

4. Is in Ohio
There seems to be this misconception that Michiganders hate the state of Ohio because OSU is there. This is false. Although it certainly adds to all the reasons Ohio is completely useless, the state of Ohio would still suck ass without OSU sucking the place up.
The only reason Ohio has any relevance is because it’s lucky enough to be associated with the state of Michigan. It’s not even associated with us for good reasons, but it’s still reaping the benefits of our awesomeness. Ohio claims to be similar in terms of natural beauty and tourism to Michigan and Michigan is all, “Oh that’s funny, are you the Great Lakes State? Didn’t think so, bud.” Ohio is like a C list celebrity desperately trying to cling onto A list Michigan to gain some coolness or recognition. In reality, we should probably be calling OSU “Little Brother” for being such a little try-hard and aspiring to reach our level of greatness so badly. The only good things Ohio has brought to this earth are The Black Keys and my BFF Shelby, but other than that, Ohio comes in 49th place for “Best State” (last place is obviously reserved for Nebraska). Booby Prize for Ohio.

5. Bad football
The commentators yesterday were talking about how Urban Meyer said he wasn’t okay with the vanilla offense they’ve been playing but at least they’ve been winning. Spoken like a true champion!!! MSU was the first ranked team they played, and OSU realized the jig was up: they must confront the fact that they’ve been playing garbage football all season. MSU got to be the team to expose the phony, overrated OSU. I’m counting down the days until it’s Michigan’s turn to take them one notch lower.

6. Urban Meyer
This dude’s DNA legit has to be part rodent. He’s a huge asshole. Dantonio can sometimes be a smug bastard, and I frequently worry about Harbaugh’s mental stability, but Urban Meyer sucks as a human being. Also, Urban is not even a name.

7. In the armpit of of the US
I know I already discussed how much Ohio sucks, but this is specifically the location of Columbus. If I were for some reason being forced under threat of violence to live in Ohio, I would obviously choose Toledo, because it’s so close to Michigan. I would even choose Cleveland before I choose Columbus. Why? Columbus is in central Ohio, the worst geographic location, because you’re always surrounded by more Ohio.

8. Precedes their name with THE
THE Ohio State University is THE stupidest thing I’ve ever heard and THE school should stop acting like adding THE to the beginning of your name is a sign of prestige.

9. Crazy old guy fans
While it’s become some sort of sick game for the cameramen to find the most disappointed fan in the Michigan student section and turn them into memes, I think it would be a much better use of the Internet’s time to turn their attention to how many old fat guys (probably not students but at OSU you never know) slather themselves in red paint and ridiculous accessories for OSU games. Why don’t you guys just dress up as your mascot or something? OH WAIT, IT’S BECAUSE IT’S A NUT.

10. Disrespectful players
I will never ever forget my first OSU game at the Big House in 2013, when a fight broke out on the field and 3 players were ejected….and OSU’s Marcus Hall walked off our field flipping everyone in the stadium 2 middle fingers. Probably one of the most disgusting displays of unsportsmanlike conduct ever. Not sure if you would consider anything Cardale Jones has ever done to be disrespectful or just plain stupid. JT Barrett is out and about getting DUIs . Following OSU’s loss yesterday, Ezekiel Elliott immediately bitched out OSU’s program to the media and announced he'll be entering the draft instead of returning next year. OSU players are like unsupervised kids; nobody teaches these guys how to conduct themselves in a manner that represents both them and their school in a positive and appropriate light. Truthfully, I hate the term “Michigan Man” but it’s pretty clear that there’s no equivalent at OSU. 

11. Poor road organization
I unfortunately had to travel to Columbus in order to visit Kaylee this summer. Not only is their expressway speed limit 65 (OHIO!!!!!!!!!!) but one moment you’re on the expressway and the next you’re suddenly not, as you merge onto the city street and have to slow down without any warning. Tell me how that’s logical or safe. Get your shit together, Columbus, and maybe your quarterback won’t be so confused behind the wheel!

12. Toilet bowl stadium
It’s embarrassing enough to play your games in a stadium shaped like something people shit into, but it’s even worse that OSU’s ~flawless~ rival Michigan has the nicest, largest, most famous stadium in the country. That comparison really has to sting. It’s probably pretty hard to adjust from playing in a poop field to a football palace, but me and some 100,000 of my friends won’t feel bad for you this weekend. 

Bonus: Why I’m annoyed at MSU fans
Soooooo many comments yesterday about how terrible Michigan fans are because they want to see their team go to the Big 10 championship. C’mon, think about it if you were in our position. Michigan fans did not want to see you lose to OSU simply to root against you; 9 times out of 10 we want to see MSU beat OSU. Yesterday was that painful, painful 1 time that unfortunately, an OSU win would’ve helped us in the long run. We have a friendly rivalry with MSU; we don’t want to see MSU fail unless their success is detrimental to Michigan’s.

When I emphasized this, my buddy Harry pointed out that Michigan fans celebrated with the Huskers after Nebraska upset MSU….to which I have to say, OF COURSE WE DID! No offense, but it was hilarious to watch the ~undefeated~ Spartans lose to NEBRASKA. It was NEBRASKA. Not to mention that heartbreaking finish certainly mirrored another final play from this season…..basically, that Nebraska win was like karma for Michigan fans, a sort of vicarious revenge. We shouldn’t root against MSU, but I’ll admit, that time we did.

Sorry Sparty, but this season has been so wildly unpredictable that we can’t promise we’ll always support you (especially when you really don’t like to support us). In any case, though you narrowed the gap for us to squeeze into the title game, it still feels damn good to see OSU’s streak broken. This loss, as well as Ezekiel Elliott’s disparaging comments about his team, is going to completely break OSU’s mentality, not to mention MSU winning with 2 backup quarterbacks proves a healthy Michigan is totally capable of beating a shaken OSU. 

Unfortunately, MSU’s win yesterday means we still have to root against them one more time if we still have title hopes. I’m not (and I don’t think anyone else is) placing bets on a Penn State victory in East Lansing….but this season’s been nothing if not one long string of WTF? It’s been a wild ride, and it all comes down to Saturday...

….not only because it overall determines who goes to the Big 10 game, but because if Michigan has one goal every season, it’s just win The Game. So back to the main point here: buck the fuckeyes, we can’t wait to beat you Saturday. The end.

Weekly annoyance review 10/19

This week’s grievances, all in one convenient post.

———

1. The last 10 seconds
As if witnessing it in person wasn’t bad enough, those same 10 seconds appeared all over all my different social media platform timelines more times than my head could count and my heart could handle. Honestly I think my friend Christian summed it up best….not only in the following tweets, but when my (Spartan) friend Kaylee told him he looked cozy in his yellow fleece and he responded only by shouting “I’m fucking depressed” before slamming my door shut as he left :/

(This is Christian. This image went viral last year....)

2. Waiting 2 hours for pizza

If we’re being honest, this was clearly our fault, considering we chose the campus location and ordered 30 minutes after the game. After emotionally splurging on an XL and breadsticks, they said it would be an hour and a half wait for delivery, but only 35 minutes if we picked it up. Wat? Traffic *was* pretty congested in the 4-5 blocks between us and Cottage Inn I guess. Deciding pizza was more important than the extra wait just to mope on the couch in the meantime, we walked there after 40 minutes, and waited ALMOST 45 MINUTES MORE. Outside. With about 30 other people. Get ur shit together, Cottage Inn.

3. 2 exams, 1 day
You know what, U of M? I know this break is intended to be used for studying for our exams right after the break. I KNOW THAT. But every year I’m still caught off guard that we go back to class on Wednesday, and I’m hit with 2 exams on Thursday. Who could have prepared for such a thing????

4. Fall break in general
Michigan is actually one of the only schools in the state that even has a fall break, so I know I should be grateful for these 3 days at home……but I’m not. Because:
—fall break is the same weekend as the MSU game, so I had to spend 2 less days at home this year/was unable to plan a vacation I can’t afford during this “break”
—this break is just the precursor to midterms. It’s like sitting in the hot tub then jumping into the pool. IT’S SHITTY.
—how am I supposed to be studying for exams at my parents’ house, where the sun basked living room houses one of the cushiest couches known to man and a TV almost as wide as I am tall that constantly plays How I Met Your Mother and Grey’s Anatomy reruns? (Answer: I can’t)

5. Applying for jobs
I feel like Will Smith in The Pursuit of Happyness, only worse, because although he is homeless, he has prior work experience. I have literally no redeemable qualities or skills. Pls hire me.

6. Grad school????
I was so hype to graduate because ~*DONE WITH SKOOL 4 EVA*~ but now that I’m reevaluating, my degree is pretty much useless and my resume is so scattered that I probably wouldn’t hire me either. Maybe I should just apply to grad school and feel my soul wither away. Maybe if I went to a school in a new state it would be like a new adventure, almost as if someone gave me a job and I was making money, instead of spending it recklessly. Or maybe I should accept that I’ve failed before I’ve even started!

7. Broken nail
There I was, enjoying a beautiful fall morning with Katie at a picnic table along the river, when a bee attacked my tasty cinnamon donut and hot apple cider. Naturally, I wildly swatted the shit out of it. In my haste, my left hand flailed so uncontrollably that it hit the picnic bench with full force. I inspected my hand, expecting minimal damage, and found blood already gushing out from the center of my cracked pinky nail bed. This was terrifying and I did not want to rip my nail off, as Katie advised. Instead, after I complained through our trip to another cider mill, lunch, and ULTA, Katie drove me to 2 more stores in search of nail glue to piece my bloody digit back together. I luv u Katie. Mangled nail still hurts, though.

8. My dog hates me
Ok Oliver, I understand that I am the least capable member of our family in terms of taking care of you. I don’t let you sleep in my bed, like mom does. I don’t feed you potato chips or take you to the farm, like dad does. I don’t let you lick my eyeballs, like Ryan does, even though I really think this is understandable. I didn’t mother you when we brought you home as a puppy, like Patrick did (although it should be noted that Patrick was the only one home when we bought you, so he was forced to care about you). I may have insulted your intelligence during the bath I had to give you after you ran away in a thunderstorm, and I may have helped you set up a Twitter account that I now almost exclusively use to make fun of you. But I am the one who fought for an Invisible Fence in our yard after your dumb puppy ass ran into the road and got hit by a motorcycle. I am the one who lies down, scratches your ears, and waits for you to possibly one day speak and tell me about your day as you fall asleep. And I am the one who fights for your right to health, since all those mini donuts grandpa feeds you are clogging your doggy arteries faster than all the feta bread my human self has to endure. So when I come home for 3 days, I expect a warmer welcome than 10 seconds of intense tail wagging before you realize dad just opened a bag of chips. Until that day comes, I will continue talking shit about you online.

9. Awkward
I’m pretty sure Anna and I are the only ones that still watch MTV teen dramedies, but that really does not make the hold this show has over me any lesser. I have been waiting and waiting and waiting for both Matty and Jenna to grow a pair and get over the past and admit to each other that all they really want is to be together. They finally both have come to terms with their feelings, and they might even both go to school in Maine (aka my dream location!!!!!). Everything is finally in place for them, and then Jenna just changes her mind for the 29842175892375892 time. Whoever writes this show is like Shonda Rhimes Jr., but with less death.

10. Eating everything in sight
Comes home. Looks in fridge and pantry. Finds
—apple crisp
—General Tso’s chicken
—pasta
—my favorite roast chicken and root vegetables
—brownies
—an entire cupboard of candy
—3 different types of kettle cooked potato chips
—4 different types of popcorn
What the hell are you trying to do to me, mom?

11. The 6 times I’ve put on jeans this week
6 and counting. Do I have to

12. Our house’s power
On Wednesday, our apartment was 75% without power (again). I called our landlord, and when she didn’t answer, I emailed her. Needing internet for homework, I went into the hall and tried to figure out the fusebox. I have 0 idea of how to work a fusebox, but the box near the bottom said “pull to reset power,” so I did…..then it started sparking all over so I just shut it and ran. I emailed the landlord again to update her on this possible safety concern. 24 hours later she finally came over and fixed it. This morning (read: 5 days later), she emailed me saying, “You shouldn’t be touching that box at all. It wasn’t put back in place correctly and caused a power outage in the whole house.” ???? OK bish, not only did I email you to admit I didn’t put it back correctly for good reason, but the whole house was *already* without power. Send me another sassy email like that and I’ll have to contact student legal services about how dangerous it is to only have electricity 50% of the time with winter on its way :-)

———

I pray the next week will be less annoying. But I doubt it.

Owosso Mastodon: the real OG

So, this week a farmer in Chelsea dug up the bones of a woolly mammoth and everybody lost their shit, because

a) woolly mammoths have been extinct for like 10,000 years and 

b) it’s just really cool to imagine sharing this earth and chillin with such large woolly creatures

Paleontologists from U of M scurried over there as quick as possible to determine they are indeed woolly mammoth remains, and to persuade the farmer to donate the bones to the university’s already expansive collection (don’t worry, he did).

This is big news. It was on multiple national news outlets, and I’m sure the university is pissing their pants with glee that it was found in Chelsea, because honestly, what better nearby location is there to donate it to? (The answer is literally nowhere). And I’m really happy and excited for this woolly mammoth’s 15 minutes of fame. He deserves it. He’s been waiting 10,000 years to be discovered, much longer than the average aspiring star.

HOWEVER

If you’ve ever visited U of M’s Museum of Natural History, you probably get excited about strange things, which means there was an obvious standout exhibit there. And this, of course, is….

THE OWOSSO MASTODON.

That’s right, my friends. A mastodon named after my hometown. Let me just shoot a couple facts about this badass here

a) the Owosso Mastodon is one of the most complete mastodon skeletons ever discovered. EVER (over 95% of its bones in the exhibit are real!)
b) the Owosso Mastodon is a she. What up, lil mama
c) she was found on a farm in Owosso (although technically, the site was in Henderson….people always forget Henderson exists. Sorry, guys.)
d) she was found on my family’s property

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If we back it up a little, the story is not nearly as cool as I wish it was. I wish I could say little kindergarten Lauren was just playing in the backyard one day when I literally tripped over the tusk of a mastodon and then used my Fisher-Price shovel to find the rest of her.

However, my dad wasn’t even born for another 15 years or so when the bones were unearthed. The site is about 2 or 3 miles from our house, and back then, the land belonged to the Borsenik family (our second cousins). Some 50 years later my grandpa and dad bought the land from them and now I bask in totally undeserved fame of the largely unknown Owosso Mastodon.

You want to know the coolest part? Our mastodon was found in Owosso, the woolly was recently found in Chelsea, and other mastodon remains have been found in Perry and Williamston. These creatures liked to march up and down modern day M-52, the road that runs right through all these towns! (Though Williamston is a bit off of M-52….the mastodons that hung out over there probably thought they were too good to hang out by the highway, even though the quality of mastodon stomping ground there was really no different than aforementioned areas….) Can just imagine the mastodons bopping through the towns like “Stomping through 52 with my woes” ????? IT’S SO COOL

So there you have it. Even though woolly mammoths were way more rare than mastodons, and the Chelsea mammoth is a pretty huge discovery and contribution to the university, it’s also important to remember the real OG in this situation: the Owosso Mastodon.

Stay in your lane, Chelsea mammoth.

Weekly annoyance review

IT’S BEEN A REALLY STRESSFUL WEEK, AND ALTHOUGH I ALWAYS COMPLAIN MORE THAN THE AVERAGE HUMAN, I FEEL AS THOUGH MORE ANNOYING THINGS HAVE HAPPENED IN THE PAST WEEK THAN USUAL AND THEY REALLY NEED TO BE ADDRESSED.

Top 10 things that have unnecessarily annoyed me this week

———

1. The football game
Yeah we shut out a ranked team and thus became ranked, yeah yeah, it was great. That was not the annoying part. The intensely annoying part was that for the first time since I’ve been here, the fanny pack I wear on every game day was suddenly deemed not allowed. Look, I know bags aren’t allowed in the stadium. Everyone knows that. HOWEVER
—security has always overlooked it and let it in, even though I’ve made no attempt to hide it
—I had to go to the complete opposite side of the stadium to check my empty bag
—when I attempted to enter the stadium at the gate nearest bag check, I was sent back to where I started
—when I got back to the student gate, I was told I couldn’t come in because my ticket had already been scanned in once today
—the original guy who kicked me out let me back in, but only as the supervisor warned me it’s MY responsibility next time to make sure security signs my ticket if I leave the stadium and need back in
You people suck, and ruined my game day.

2. Armed robbery down the street
Actually, it’s fucking terrifying that this week was the second armed robbery directly around the corner from our apartment this month, but it’s pretty annoying too, because now I have to fear for my life every time I walk home at a relatively late time of night. Sweet.

3. Parking on our street
I parked on the street in front our neighbors’, who, unlike us, have driveway. There definitely wasn’t 4 feet from the front of my car to the edge of their driveway (the minimum before you can get ticketed), but I was more than a foot away and there weren't even any cars in their driveway. Later, I walked out to find 2 cars now parked in the driveway, and a note on my windshield that said “We can’t back out of our driveway with you car parked like this.” Like this? As if I’m parked so horrendously?! As if. If I’m blocking your driveway, how the hell did you fit 2 cars in there since I’ve been parked there?? If you can’t angle your Malibu out of a 5 ft+ wide space, that sounds like your problem, not mine, goodbye.

4. Stupid quiz
I was legitimately so scared for how expansive my prof and GSI made this quiz sound that I skipped a class to study, because I felt I didn't get enough studying in over the weekend. Turns out the quiz was 5 questions, each of which required no more than one word answers, and I knew all the answers from the studying I had completed over the weekend. And I think I was the first one done. Sigh.

5. Rude bitches who don’t know how cars work
Why is this such a problem in Ann Arbor??? On Friday, my friend Hannah and I were turning right on a green light at State and North U, when a girl stepped out into the crosswalk. Hannah stopped in plenty of time and waved her along, while the girl responded by exaggeratedly rolling her eyes and looking directly at us while moving at a snail-like pace through the crosswalk. Earlier that day, my roommate and I were attempting to parallel park her giant ass Yukon in the tiny circle drive of the League. While she was backing up, a girl talking on her phone walked directly into our path and then had the nerve to look directly at us and shout “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!” before stomping her little troll self away. Common sense is hard and all, but I really don't feel bad that they walked into the path of moving vehicles. I kinda just regret not running them over.

6. Having to walk to NQ from SEB in 10 minutes
This is the worst 10 minutes of my week, because
a) it’s the furthest walk for back to back classes I’ve ever had
b) at least 50% of our student population also happens to be walking through the Diag between 4:00 and 4:10
c) Ingalls Mall is STILL CLOSED, so the shortest route isn’t even available
I only have to do this once a week, but it’s truly one time too many.

7. People who try to ride their bike through the Diag between classes
What the fuck is wrong with you??????

8. Diag preacher
To be completely honest, nothing this guy was saying yesterday was more offensive than him standing RIGHT ON THE M in the Diag. Tell me I’m going to hell all you want but you best not disrespect me and this school by stepping your grimy bigot feet on the M!!!!!!

9. The Bachelor filming started
And I’m not currently lounging around a mansion in California, vying for the affection of my one true love, Ben H. Thinking about the filming starting and him meeting all these women who are not me even though I should totally be there PHYSICALLY PAINS ME. I’m caught somewhere between anxiously awaiting the producers to call me up to ambush the middle of the season (a la Nick) and waiting for the season to begin so I can blog/cry about it. If you need an update of how things are going so far, check out the first half of this podcast. If you’re like me, the only part you’ll hear through your tears is “I don’t think he’ll find love on this show.” This gives me hope (but the description of how beautiful the women are does not. 0/10 would not listen to this podcast again because emotions.)

10. Piper Kerman
PIPER KERMAN, aka the woman whose life experiences and memoir inspired “Orange is the New Black” (!!!!!!)  is COMING TO MICHIGAN ON TUESDAY to give a speech and I cannot attend because I’ll be in class. I’ve never wanted to attend one of these things before, and the one time I actually want to is the only time I’m forced to take an evening class?! THIS IS BULLSHIT.

BIP finale livefeed

I swear that I could see foreverrrrr innnnnnn your eyeeeees, paaaaaaaaradiseeeeeeee

——

Justin how do you know Cassandra is a great mom

I’m bored already. Thinking bout cookies

Nick’s time on the Bachelor franchise is up

“I know I’m here for 100% sincere intentions. With you.” *inserts Why You Lyin vine here*

I care so little about Justin and Casandra that I was on my phone throughout their “date” and idk what happened except that they didn’t have sex

Ok I’m just saying I would be an equally good Bachelor contestant as Tenley and 7 times as good of a Bachelorette contestant as Josh even though I don’t even dig girls

OH MY GOD TANNER SAID I LOVE YOU JADE OH MY GOD HE SAID IT TWICE OH MY GOD I LOVE TANNER SO MUCH I AM MELTING FROM CUTENESS

Legit hyperventilating because Tanner and Jade

Tanner and Jade are reminding me how single I am

:(

What if Justin proposes to Casandra after she said no to the fantasy suite on date 2 lol

Jade and Tanner in those little robes, it’s like they’re trying to kill me by being precious af

Chris Harrison, pursuing a relationship outside of paradise does not mean “I promise 2 have ur babies”

This is like the shortest episode ever

Chris Harrison told them so go spend some time alone with their thoughts, so naturally Josh and Tenley head into the plants together to go cry

What does Tenley see in Josh that no one else can see

Does Tenley not realize she can accept Josh’s rose and it’s ok if the long distance doesn’t work out

Yawn don’t care that Cassandra accepted

I hope Sam doesn’t accept just like she blindsided Joe

LOL ok I guess it’s fitting that Nick and Sam end up together…..sleaze couple of the year

Is Tenley’s speech gonna have a “but…”

Tenley does not dig Idaho

When Chris Harrison gives spoilers during the After Paradise promo <<

Side note I smell so freaking bad because of how hot and sweaty it is in Michigan right now so just like imagine how stinky you would be ALL THE TIME in paradise

Tanner is like “Jade please stop talking it is time for ring”

I would also go to paradise for the free drinks with Jorge, Tanner

Jade’s *sigh* reaction was faaaaaake

I wish there was an emoji that described my face during Tanner’s proposal

Such passionate kissing much wow

I just feel kind of bad for Tanner and Jade now because they’re technically contractually obligated to have some sort of televised wedding if they actually get married

Omg this montage of clips at the end is making me feel like BIP is breaking up with me

I am not ready for this to be over

Pls don’t leave me BIP

——

I have no idea what I’m going to do with my time now

BIP 9/6 livefeed

Today I had the worst day ever because it was 91 degrees almost all day, I spent at least an hour of my life arguing with Comcast representatives who still didn't come fix my Interest (but said they'd come fix it on Saturday during the game LOL die, Comcast), and had to pay over $100 for my shitty warped up iPhone screen to be fixed. Needless to say, I was very much looking forward to watching both parts of the finale tonight with my BFFL Katie while we continuously bitch about how we made a mega mistake buying our salads at Panera instead of Whole Foods. So much regret.

BIP live feed 9/6

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Cannot get over Ashley I requesting a date with Jared before Jaclyn could, so SAVAGE

Everyone is so invested in Ashley losing her virginity?

WOW just realized Ashley I is a year older than Jared

Jared still seems not into it even though it’s the fantasy suite

Jorge is bae

Juelia wearing false eyelashes for all of paradise really is not ok

WAIT does Mikey not really like Juelia

That breakup was so nice coming from Mikey

I wish they’d stop saying Juelia is trying to find a father for her kid on BACHELOR IN PARADISE

Jaclyn’s face is the victim of bad plastic surgery

Why are people hitting up Justin like he should be the least wanted person here

Yet another girl walks in and wants Justin? While Dan is in the same room? I’M NOT SEEING IT

“He’s been on 5 dates in 2 days” Dan is as salty as I am

Katie is an ice skater and just pointed out that Justin’s haircut resembles Dorothy Hamill’s

Jaclyn is just salty but admittedly it’s really weird that all these people have kids

“I think Ashley I is more of a virgin now” yikes

OMFG LOOK AT JACYLN’S OLD FACE IN NICK’S FLASHBACKS OF SCREWING HER OVER HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

$250,000 can also buy a lot of Botox and hair bleach

That pool looks nice af right now in this 91 degree weather in Ann Arbor

Why would Nick rolling in the sand make anything better for Jaclyn

What happened to Mackenzie?

“Mama’s gotta take her top off” pls never say that again

I am 22 and Sandra is 23 and she’s been engaged and has a child. What

Sam is cold yes but I still wish I was as pretty as her

Fresh-faced Ashley I: so much yes

WUT Jared is leaving early too? Why is everyone just giving up

Oh god don’t make Ashley I cry again

Even though Jared doesn’t love Ashley I they are still so sweet ugh

Nick is a grease ball

My favorite dates are the ones where all they do is eat

STOP WINKING NICK

Sam looks like a stripper tbh

“In the club high on purp”
—Sam with her drunk eyes

Katie just referred to Sam’s nails as “bitch talons”

Sam is wincing and keeping her mouth as closed as possible as Nick kisses her, as am I while watching it

“You’re my idiot” oh

I would just constantly be taking shots with Jorge in paradise

Tanner’s like “literally everyone besides me and Jade, and Kirk and Carly need to just leave now”

“I grew up here” alright Ashley I except you’re 27 and spent 5 weeks crying

Dan hasn’t even talked to Casandra but is suddenly salty Justin picked her

Everybody’s just dropping like flies

What if Chris Harrison gave Dan’s rose away

Mikey and Mackenzie? Huh

Ashley S’s favorite phrase is “be a man”

So…..we’re stuck with 2 real couples, 2 fake couples, and Tenley and Josh

LOOK at the at Kirk and Carly foreshadowing….I knew it 

Whenever I guess something right on BIP, I feel so smart. I feel so smart watching Kirk talk about dumping Carly.

Tenley feels smart too!

I personally feel that Carly’s laugh is more obnoxious than Kaitlyn’s and you cannot convince me otherwise

Carly’s definitely scared

Feeling bad for Kirk. He seems to legitimately be struggling with this

Carly is saying all the TV breakup lines

Ok she is literally running now

What do you mean what just happened, Kirk, you’re the one who did it

Tanner is always the voice of reason. Even Nick knows Kirk was wrong!!!!

Ok Carly we’ve all had angry breakups but not hearing Kirk out even a little bit is really immature

“You deserve this conversation” “No but YOU DON’T DESERVE THIS CONVERSATION” oh snap she’s kinda got you there Kirk

(Clearly I can’t pick a side in this breakup)

(I just feel really bad for both of them)

Can I just make it clear I don’t give a single fuck about Justin and Casandra because try

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Can we just skip to Tanner proposing to Jade? (And does anyone else hope the backup outcome is Josh proposing to Tenley and Tenley rejecting him?)

BIP 8/31 live feed

Yes, I am posting this a full week late, because this week has been total chaos/hell/draining in every way shape and form. I guess Welcome Week being the same week as Work Week, as well as Hottest Week of the Summer and Comcast Guy Installs Our Wifi and then Ignores Us When it Doesn’t Work Week, has just made me go a little bonkers. Tbh I think my soul has shriveled up and died and classes don’t even start for another day. Cheers to senior year?

Finally, a week later after you’ve forgotten everything that’s happened, BIP live feed 8/31

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What even happens when you get stung by a jellyfish

“Juelia put your foot in the toilet” that seems like the worst way to do it tbh

Dan lives in Las Vegas?!?!?!?!

Everyone in the house is more invested in Chelsie picking Dan than their own relationships

Poor Ashley S, no one wants to get mixed up with her

“You are not treating me the way Jesus would treat people”

“You kinda smell like a brewery” man these two are killing the quote game

Carly’s happiness is infectious ugh

Mackenzie: the sweet, really young mom who loves aliens

When Ashley I tells people she’s with Jared :////

“He looks like a mixture of Ashton Kutcher and Joe Jonas” omg why have I never seen this

“You might be into his face”

Ok I wouldn’t be sad if I was on a date on a boat in Mexico

Still not understanding Dan’s affection for Sam

Wtf does Nick’s bicep say

I feel like at this point so many people are single and the producers know it’s really boring

“Future? Aliens.” Precisely, Mackenzie

“My son’s name is Kale, like the vegetable” :(

WOW I need that teal couch with rainbow pillows! Paradise is decorated pretty well

Why would you pick Justin over Dan? Why

Too bad girls don’t have the roses this week, Amber should just give Ashley S her rose

Jared seriously always looks so unhappy to be in paradise

Jaclyn with her bleached blonde bob and ugly outfit, gtfo

Also Jaclyn is from Ben’s season…..wasn’t that the least popular season ever

Are there crocodiles in Mexico because I’m pretty sure no

“You smell so great I don’t have to worry about myself!” is that how smelling good works?

“We’ve got drugs” oh

This date is on equal levels of weird as the date from Chris’s season when him and Carly did sex yoga

I feel really sad that Mackenzie can’t figure out that “circulo” means “circle”

I’m scared of Justin’s nipples

Knowing that the rope thing is part of a marriage ceremony, it’s actually kind of beautiful?

“Justin is my husband. We’re like Mexican citizens married.” :(

“The welder who can’t form complete sentences, for example, I want nothing to do with” accurate description of Josh

They make it seem like Chris Harrison has been standing in the driveway for the past 5 weeks

Tanner has now compared both Sam and Jaclyn to a black widow

“Never trust a girl with a belly button at age 25+” omg I’m so ashamed that Jaclyn is verbalizing my same thoughts

Jaclyn’s boobs are just baaaaarely keeping it together in that romper

“I JUST HAPPENED TO FIND A DATE CARD WITH MY NAME ON IT” Ashley I is SWOOPING IN ON THAT SHIT

Goodbye Jaclyn get better bronzer

“I would love it if Jared took Ashley I’s v card” ok Tanner calm down

Top 5 funniest segments of the season: Ashley I talking about how nothing about her is fake except her hair, Botox, eyelashes, and bra

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!!!!!!!!!! Thank god we’ve got a new plot other than Sam. Honestly though, I’m not super interested in the “Ashley I’s virginity” plot because a) I think it’s odd to obsess over a person’s sexual experiences and b) because I truly don’t think Jared sleeps with her. He’s a classy guy. I think.

What I’m more intrigued by is Jade and Tanner. Personally, I think Tanner says that “I can’t give you this rose” line because he gives her an engagement ring instead. Except that doesn’t explain why she’s crying and calling people cowards. Is she possibly crying for one of her friends’ heartbreak? Jade is super super tight with Carly, and we see her crying next week as well….are Kirk and Carly no more, and Jade is just shedding tears for her homie? Hmm…

Is anyone else literally sobbing because the last episode of the season is tonight, which is also the last night of the summer? This is not coincidence. This is a symbol of my life and happiness ending at the same damn time. *~sigh~*

VMAs

SURPRISE! You didn’t think something live the VMAs would happen and I wouldn’t blog about it, did you?

If you can stand to read not 1 but 2 stream of consciousness posts about mindless TV from me in the same day, then I present to you: the 2015 VMA live feed.

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I wish Nicki would do anything without it being about her butt

Omg the woman in the audience was Justin Bieber

HAHAHAH was not expecting Taylor to come out, but the Bad Blood thing sure makes sense now….publicity, man

What even is Macklemore

Well at least Macklemore probably thought that was cool

Miley’s speaking voice…bye

A$AP Rocky is like where tf am I

Andy Samberg being here just made me sad because I remembered I’m not married to him

Miley blowing a corn cob lololol

Yessssssss Britney needs to be at every VMAs

Did Miley just yell “you bitch” at Britney for making a TSwift reference

Bruno Mars is probably a legal little person

I see Miley’s hip bones way too often

Stfu Jared Leto

Love The Weeknd’s little frog jump thing of a dance move

OMG KANYE IS LOVIN IT

They aren’t making enough of an attempt to censor Rebel Wilson’s shirt that clearly says “FUCK”

Nicki literally has difficulty walking due to her fake ass

OMFG NICKI JUST CALLED MILEY TF OUTTTTTTT YAHHHHHHH

I would probably pay to see Nicki and Miley fight honestly

Can someone please explain why John Travolta was the limo driver in that Apple music commercial

Tyga in the audience pretending he wasn’t in that skit

Tyga wouldn’t even have been invited to this if it wasn’t for his pedo relationship

Big Sean. A man of few words

Every time I see the image of Taylor holding the apple from Blank Space I just think of the Beans from Even Stevens meme

*cuts to Kanye in the crowd because Taylor is onstage*

How many guests was Taylor allowed to bring??????

Zayn is in LA so if he doesn’t show up then idk

How many outfit changes is Miley going to have? My bet is a minimum of 7, maximum of 11

I know for a fact that Demi Lovato is an amazing singer so I’m concerned about how she sounds right now

She looks so hot tho that she’s making me feel hella positive about my ~curves~

………who invited Iggy?

With hair like Justin Bieber’s, I would also wear a hat onstage

I will have lost all faith in the cameramen if they don’t cut to Selena and Taylor in the audience during this performance

Actually laughing out loud at Justin Bieber’s dance move

Selena is listening to this voiceover like “lmfao”

Y r u crying tho Biebs

Since when is “Best video with a social message” an award? Fuck this shit

“TRY” BY COLBIE CALLAIT?????? NO

S/O to Detroit and U of M from Big Sean=2 peace signs at the TV screen from me and Katie

KANYE SMILE!

Snoop is rapping Gin and Juice as a pig and I’m into it

Kim is like “omg I don’t like attention *duck face*”

Kylie you are really rocking those bangs and butt pads!!!!!

The fact that I have no idea who is singing right now shows how disconnected I actually am from MTV

I can’t be the only one who thinks it’s cheesy af that Taylor is presenting to Kanye

Kim’s boobs look so bad in that dress

…..not a big fan of Taylor recreating the Kanye incident

Jaden Smith put ur damn fist down, Kanye doesn't even know who you are

Everyone is like wtf I thought this was going to be about Kanye’s career, not an apology 5 years too late

WHAT IS GOING ON

I genuinely wonder what conversations between Kim and Kanye consist of

This is the point during Kanye’s speech in which my mother texted me “What the hell is wrong with him?”

If Donald Trump can, Kanye can

“Stretch marks? Oh who cares, where’s my wine?” This commercial speaks to me

I care not at all about Pharrell as a performer

“We love you Fetty!!!!!!” Stop

I have seen Twenty One Pilots live I think 8 times now and this is still so crazy to me

Lmao Ice Cube

I want Kendrick to win video of the year

All these girls onstage but not Kendrick. Wah

When Miley has a song where she just repeatedly says “Yeah I smoke pot”….is this even technically a song

Miley just definitely threw some shade at a couple artists by emphasizing that her album is online for FREE

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You know it was a weak VMA show when the best part was an unplanned comment between recipient and host.