The Bachelor week 1 (1/4)

Is there a way for me to effectively introduce my live stream of the premiere episode of the Bachelor season I hoped to appear on??? No, there isn’t, except to let you know that I was armed with Franzia, leftover Christmas cookies, and in the company of my best friend and mother (who may or may not have been laughing at me, idk). So let’s just get to it.

And also I would like to remind everyone one more time that casting said they were going to put a star on my application for the producers. Ok, now let’s get to it.

——————

Already not ok with the amount of kissing and love shit happening in this intro

“He is my husband” that’s funny because he absolutely is not

All he has said is “I’m Ben Higgins” and I’ve already typed “slay me omg” so

Okay I’m not saying this to be dramatic but Ben’s yard actually looks exactly like my yard, barn and everything

And Warsaw looks A LOT like Owosso…

Literally everything about Ben talking about his hometown is EXACTLY HOW I THINK OF MY HOMETOWN, I TRIED TO EXPRESS HOW CRUCIAL THIS WAS TO BOTH OF US  TO CASTING

Ben wants a girl with “small town values” hey remember how I told casting that I vibe better with people from small towns in the midwest, because we tend to have had similar life experiences and value the same things in life? Haha me too *cries self asleep*

EVEN THE DEER THEY FILMED LOOK LIKE THE ONES IN MY YARD OH MY FUCK
(I realize all deer look the same but you know what I mean)

I relate to Ben’s fear of being unlovable so much that it was actually the final deciding factor in why I went to the casting call. Kk this is getting too deep, need more wine

Wait if his parents live on a lake where was that barn???

My mom just confirmed that everything Ben’s parents are saying to him right now are things she has also expressed to me, in case you were wondering if I just made up this fallacy that we are perfect for each other

What is this McDonalds commercial???? I’m extremely uncomfortable

Side note: is another Kung Fu Panda movie really necessary

LOL really hoped to never see Chris again

I personally find Jason to be irrelevant

Chris and Whitney dropped their engagement about a month after the show so I think DON’T LISTEN TO THOSE ASSHOLES BEN BE TRUE TO UR BEAUTIFUL SELF

I forgot that Chris is the most boring human ever

Close up on Ben fixing his belt??? Absolutely into it

He keeps referring to hopefully walking away with a “young lady” and I can’t tell if that’s adorable or weird

Chris Harrison, missed u bae

The first Lauren B is in a bikini in California. O fucking k

Caila broke up with her boyfriend because she felt compelled to date a guy on TV??? BYEEEEE

Jubilee????????????????????????????????????

Mandi is the new Ashley S

The twins are a damn joke, I’m not even taking the time to learn their names

“It doesn’t really seem like they want normal people on this show…..so don’t feel bad”

-my mother

Amanda is from Orange County and sells organic skin care products??? That’s the absolute opposite of small town midwest values but kk casting, you definitely know what Ben wants

Tiara is a dumb bad name. She will be going by Chicken Bitch from now on

Pictures of chickens on Bach is the equivalent of talking to animals on BIP!

Not super intrigued by Samantha but she’s an attorney and from my favorite vacation town so she’s ok I guess

I just received a text that said I’m way too smart to be on this show. Thanks for the ego boost guys but tbh marrying Ben would’ve been the best ego boost of all ~sigh~

Omg when he said “hi Lauren” that’s how he would’ve said my name. I am dead

Caila jumping into his arms was the most awkward thing ever and definitely not the best first impression ever, he’s just being nice

Jami is def beautiful so I GUESS I’m ok with him greeting her with “hey beautiful”

You know I have this strange feeling Samantha did not just find out she passed her exam but that’s just me

Excuse me Ben you do not like that dress

Amanda you might be the opposite of what Ben supposedly wants but holy shit you’re beautiful ugh

Ur name is Lace?? That is not a name

Also why would you want the first kiss if it was going to be that terrible you turdsack

Lauren just talked right over him and didn’t tell him her name….people skills are hard

Shushanna………………………………………………

Nope nope nope everything about bending over and pulling up your dress is NO

Those unicorn heads quite frankly terrify me but I also laughed so you know what I’m down with Jojo

Lauren from Ann Arbor no matter what you say I HATE YOU BECAUSE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE LAUREN FROM ANN ARBOR ON THE SHOW

Her friends call her Red Velvet? That’s a weirdly sexual nickname so I doubt that

Mandi you did not just use the word pollenate

I feel u Laura I feel pretty ugly in my glasses and yoga pants with cookie crumbs on them too

“I don't think this should be a ‘we’ kind of thing”

—Amanda about the twins

“Yes we’re here! We’re twins!” Hey are you really

Ben’s side eye to the horse was the best part of these introductions

Pretty sure introducing yourself by saying you’re gluten-free is the best way to get a one way ticket home

Does LB have eyebrows

To show up on a first date with your wedding invite already printed. BOLD to say the absolute least

I want Ben to look at me the way he looked at Olivia 

He just asked Olivia if her dimple was real (???) and admittedly this is the first time he’s ever lost points in my book

They’re all saying how much better Ben looks in person and I feel sad for myself that I cannot confirm this

Ben I slightly disagree with the statement that it could not have gone better but hey this isn’t my show

Girl who is fanning herself, keep it in your pants my friend

In theory Olivia leaving her job to be on the show sounds good but….

Key point: Olivia stresses that she loved that her job allowed her to give back to the community (which I might challenge but whatever)...hmmm

Chris Harrison looking at Becca when she got out of the limo just made the entire episode for me

I would fear Lace would kill me in my sleep

Also Lace how bout you open your mouth when you speak, bud

I wouldn’t exactly call Ben’s reaction to seeing Becca a good reaction

How many Bachelor shows is Amber going to appear on before she realizes this gig isn’t for her

“Do you mind if I steal him?” the most passive aggressive phrase used on this show

Ben’s response to Lace trying to sexually assault his face is PERFECT. Amazing

Why does Lace look pissed off that he wanted to get to know her better? I am confused?

WHY is Ben so considerate of women’s feelings??? Not saying it’s bad, this is just so foreign of a concept

Placing my bet: first impression rose goes to Olivia

If Olivia is insecure about the first impression rose then that’s a testament to how intimidating of an environment this show much be

“Lauren B took my breath away” omg dat’s me

I don’t dig Jennifer thus far but I dig the things he just said to her

I’m not super down with Olivia getting the first impression rose, but I do understand why Ben chose her, her first impression was undeniably the best

I hope Amber goes home tonight lmao

Yassss Lauren B doing our name proud and snagging the first rose!!!!

And LB is second??? My odds would’ve been hella good!

I agree with that sentiment Jubilee, if I didn’t get a rose from Ben I would assume I just fucked up my entire life

How did Amber get a rose before Becca tho

The further the twins make it on this show the more respect I will have lost for Ben

How bad would you feel if someone who didn't even speak English got a rose instead of you

“It sucks having a guy say no. But it wouldn’t be the first time.” RT 

LOL @ whoever just said “again?”

Lace is toooooo high maintenance and needy to be on a show with 27 other girls. And for life in general

Are there legitimately guys out there who communicate as well as Ben? Because hmu

That might already be a record for the number of women who say “I love you”

Ah I knew Olivia was going to be the manipulative one

Omg watching Ben cry just made me tear up. Is this what love feels like 

—————

Well that first episode was about as emotional for me as I expected, and I liked as few of the girls as I thought I would!

Surprisingly, I did like Lauren B even though I told myself I wouldn’t because I’m way too bitter about our namesake. Do I like her, though, or do I just like the way it sounds when Ben says my name…? Either way, more Lauren B please.

I’m really irked that Becca and Amber are back, but especially Becca. I was rooting for Becca to win Chris’ season, because I think she was incredibly genuine and honestly gave me the hope that if she was so normal and real, then I could get on the show too. But this time around it feels less genuine. Becca (and Amber) has been doing a ton of self promotion on her social media, so it feels like coming on the show is more about the extra fame, while also abusing her connections with the producers to get to hook up with a great guy in the process. I think the producers tried too hard to pull another Nick situation, except Ben wasn’t even pleased to see either of them. Definitely a ratings ploy, but not a good one. Those 2 are taking up two spots that could’ve gone to more deserving ladies *cough cough*

As for Olivia….something’s not quite right. Her first conversation with Ben was a little *too* perfect. I think Olivia told Ben exactly what he wanted to hear. If you’ve ever found Ben on social media, it’s no secret that charity work is a huge part of his life, BUT he's never really talked about it on the show, so knowing this would require some outside research. The way she somehow twisted being a news anchor into being passionate about charity work immediately tipped me off that she’s playing the game. And by snagging the first impression rose, I think she’s going to play it pretty well.

I received 2 more texts tonight that added to growing support of the idea that casting called the wrong Lauren from Ann Arbor, so I thought maybe I’d call Bachelor Live to see if expressing my concern over live national television would get my pal Chris Harrison to launch an investigation into that (and also to tell Ben if he’s single by the end of this season to come find me, the real Lauren from Ann Arbor. Holla) 

But 147 calls later, I did not find out the truth about casting or get to talk to my future husband. Better luck next week, right?!

My grown up Christmas list

Although I have 2 exams on Friday, I finished a 10 page paper today, and that called for a better celebration than studying. Katie and I hit up our favorite date night spot, Hopcat, for a burger, beer, and CRAACK FRIES. I told myself just one beer so that I could come home and study, but my one beer of choice just so happened to be 9% and I just so happened to be pretty sleep deprived so I was buzzed after 2 sips. Of course I then decided there were 2 very important things I needed to do tonight: 1) make my Christmas list full of grown up items necessary to adulthood and 2) watch Friends With Benefits (the one with Mila and Justin, not Ashton and Natalie. They’re both amazing tho)

My grown up Christmas list

1. A job
Right now there is nothing I wish I had more than the ability to say I had a job set after graduation. My nervousness about job prospects is rising quickly like the water in the Titanic and I’m the Captain just staring out at the ocean like “Where did I go wrong???” My desperation level is about equal to Cal kidnapping a child on deck to get onto a life boat. Why do I keep comparing my life to Titanic? Probably because it was the Ship of Dreams. And right now my dreams have shipped FAR FAR AWAY. (Not quite to the bottom of the ocean yet, there’s still time. Titanic didn’t sink until April, which is also when I graduate. Coincidence? Absolutely not.)

2. A sense of purpose/fulfillment
Hey if you ever feel like maybe you are TOO important just go to University of Michigan and soon you will learn you are a $3 puke green suit jacket from Goodwill in a sea of tuxedos (did you automatically think of Ross when I said tuxedo? Same.) If anyone could find a way to physically gift me this, thank you, and also, you should patent that

3. A guy who might actually like me
Are there people who actually make plans to go out together rather than hope they ~casually and totally unexpectedly~ run into each other by the end of the night? Are there people who actually speak to each other during daylight hours? Are there people who want to talk to you for reasons other than hoping it results in a hook up? Are there people who interact without any alcohol involved at all??? I mean for both humanity’s sake and selfish reasons I hope so, because all of that actually sounds kind of appealing…..is this what growing up feels like?

4. Underwear
For my adult sized ass

5. Random boring adult items I never thought I’d want
Like a crockpot and windshield wipers. Why the fuck do I want a crockpot so bad

6. Enough money to buy all the groceries I want
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to go to the grocery store and buy every single item you wanted? The brand name version, not Kroger version? I aspire to have this life one day

7. Harry Styles
Everyone: I feel like this item belongs more on a preteen Christmas list...

Me: shut the hell up

8. A get out of jail free card
I just feel like I’ll need this at least once in my adult life

9. Cookie dough bites
I have received these in my stocking every year since I was like 9 and if for some reason I were to not receive them this year because I'm an "adult" I would FLIP SOME SHIT

10. A dog
THERE IS literally no person on this entire earth that deserves a dog more than I do. It would take me 6 years to tell you all the reasons why and in that time I could already have a dog old enough for first grade so I’ll spare you. If you disagree you should probably not speak because quite frankly I might kill you (*Note: this is not representative of how I would care for my dog)

11. A self-cleaning humidifier
One time I tweeted “Sry I can’t go out, I have to disinfect my humidifier” and I was only mostly joking

12. New glasses
Me: I need new glasses, these aren’t really my style anymore
Molly: What kind of style are you?
Molly: Because I don’t think LensCrafters has a slut section
:////

13. A contour kit
If 14 year olds are painting the shit out of their faces and end up looking like Kardashians, then I could probably do a moderate job of looking like a heavily made up 22 year old, right??

14. Better presidential candidates
I don’t want to have to move to Iceland

15. Time travel
I would use this gift exclusively to go back in time and take back that episode of Grey’s Anatomy where they all sing

Reasons I hate Ohio State

After their loss to MSU yesterday and today being the first day of Rivalry Week, this is necessary.

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Reasons I hate Ohio State

1. Could not do their 1 job
Are you for real Ohio? You go undefeated for 24 games and then THE ONE GAME that Michigan is actually relying on you to win, you lose???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??????? This is why Wolverines know better than to trust you with anything. Because you will always fail. God damn it.

via GIPHY

2. Mascot is a nut/pot leaf
I think when I was younger I assumed a buckeye was a deer related thing. I never really gave it much thought until recently, upon seeing the mascot’s stupid costume up close, it suddenly clicked with me that I had no idea what this thing was. When I went to visit my MSU roommate, who was interning in Columbus, I noticed her roommate’s OSU crafts all had this green pot leaf on them.
“Kaylee, why is there pot on this canvas???” I asked her.
She informed me that leaf is part of the buckeye.
“….OK BUT WHAT’S A BUCKEYE?” I finally had to ask.
It’s a nut, she said. A fucking nut. Whose leaves look like weed. Out of all the animals and inanimate objects to choose from, this is what Ohioans came up with to represent their school. It 100000% has to be in the bottom 3 of all college mascots ever. A FUCKING NUT.

3. Dumb students
At least when MSU and Michigan students fight about academics it’s mostly playful banter, because MSU knows it’s not easy to get in here and Michigan knows that MSU is a fine institution too (I attended both schools in my college career; can confirm).
But there are OSU students out there who will in all seriousness fight you to the death that OSU is academically superior to Michigan. How sad. Let’s not forget quarterback Cardale Jones’ iconic tweet about not attending OSU in order to take classes……or the time Ohio cheerleaders spelled their four letter state wrong. Also, consider the fact that I saw a kid on Snapchat at a tailgate in Columbus drinking out of a shoe. Just something to consider.

4. Is in Ohio
There seems to be this misconception that Michiganders hate the state of Ohio because OSU is there. This is false. Although it certainly adds to all the reasons Ohio is completely useless, the state of Ohio would still suck ass without OSU sucking the place up.
The only reason Ohio has any relevance is because it’s lucky enough to be associated with the state of Michigan. It’s not even associated with us for good reasons, but it’s still reaping the benefits of our awesomeness. Ohio claims to be similar in terms of natural beauty and tourism to Michigan and Michigan is all, “Oh that’s funny, are you the Great Lakes State? Didn’t think so, bud.” Ohio is like a C list celebrity desperately trying to cling onto A list Michigan to gain some coolness or recognition. In reality, we should probably be calling OSU “Little Brother” for being such a little try-hard and aspiring to reach our level of greatness so badly. The only good things Ohio has brought to this earth are The Black Keys and my BFF Shelby, but other than that, Ohio comes in 49th place for “Best State” (last place is obviously reserved for Nebraska). Booby Prize for Ohio.

5. Bad football
The commentators yesterday were talking about how Urban Meyer said he wasn’t okay with the vanilla offense they’ve been playing but at least they’ve been winning. Spoken like a true champion!!! MSU was the first ranked team they played, and OSU realized the jig was up: they must confront the fact that they’ve been playing garbage football all season. MSU got to be the team to expose the phony, overrated OSU. I’m counting down the days until it’s Michigan’s turn to take them one notch lower.

6. Urban Meyer
This dude’s DNA legit has to be part rodent. He’s a huge asshole. Dantonio can sometimes be a smug bastard, and I frequently worry about Harbaugh’s mental stability, but Urban Meyer sucks as a human being. Also, Urban is not even a name.

7. In the armpit of of the US
I know I already discussed how much Ohio sucks, but this is specifically the location of Columbus. If I were for some reason being forced under threat of violence to live in Ohio, I would obviously choose Toledo, because it’s so close to Michigan. I would even choose Cleveland before I choose Columbus. Why? Columbus is in central Ohio, the worst geographic location, because you’re always surrounded by more Ohio.

8. Precedes their name with THE
THE Ohio State University is THE stupidest thing I’ve ever heard and THE school should stop acting like adding THE to the beginning of your name is a sign of prestige.

9. Crazy old guy fans
While it’s become some sort of sick game for the cameramen to find the most disappointed fan in the Michigan student section and turn them into memes, I think it would be a much better use of the Internet’s time to turn their attention to how many old fat guys (probably not students but at OSU you never know) slather themselves in red paint and ridiculous accessories for OSU games. Why don’t you guys just dress up as your mascot or something? OH WAIT, IT’S BECAUSE IT’S A NUT.

10. Disrespectful players
I will never ever forget my first OSU game at the Big House in 2013, when a fight broke out on the field and 3 players were ejected….and OSU’s Marcus Hall walked off our field flipping everyone in the stadium 2 middle fingers. Probably one of the most disgusting displays of unsportsmanlike conduct ever. Not sure if you would consider anything Cardale Jones has ever done to be disrespectful or just plain stupid. JT Barrett is out and about getting DUIs . Following OSU’s loss yesterday, Ezekiel Elliott immediately bitched out OSU’s program to the media and announced he'll be entering the draft instead of returning next year. OSU players are like unsupervised kids; nobody teaches these guys how to conduct themselves in a manner that represents both them and their school in a positive and appropriate light. Truthfully, I hate the term “Michigan Man” but it’s pretty clear that there’s no equivalent at OSU. 

11. Poor road organization
I unfortunately had to travel to Columbus in order to visit Kaylee this summer. Not only is their expressway speed limit 65 (OHIO!!!!!!!!!!) but one moment you’re on the expressway and the next you’re suddenly not, as you merge onto the city street and have to slow down without any warning. Tell me how that’s logical or safe. Get your shit together, Columbus, and maybe your quarterback won’t be so confused behind the wheel!

12. Toilet bowl stadium
It’s embarrassing enough to play your games in a stadium shaped like something people shit into, but it’s even worse that OSU’s ~flawless~ rival Michigan has the nicest, largest, most famous stadium in the country. That comparison really has to sting. It’s probably pretty hard to adjust from playing in a poop field to a football palace, but me and some 100,000 of my friends won’t feel bad for you this weekend. 

Bonus: Why I’m annoyed at MSU fans
Soooooo many comments yesterday about how terrible Michigan fans are because they want to see their team go to the Big 10 championship. C’mon, think about it if you were in our position. Michigan fans did not want to see you lose to OSU simply to root against you; 9 times out of 10 we want to see MSU beat OSU. Yesterday was that painful, painful 1 time that unfortunately, an OSU win would’ve helped us in the long run. We have a friendly rivalry with MSU; we don’t want to see MSU fail unless their success is detrimental to Michigan’s.

When I emphasized this, my buddy Harry pointed out that Michigan fans celebrated with the Huskers after Nebraska upset MSU….to which I have to say, OF COURSE WE DID! No offense, but it was hilarious to watch the ~undefeated~ Spartans lose to NEBRASKA. It was NEBRASKA. Not to mention that heartbreaking finish certainly mirrored another final play from this season…..basically, that Nebraska win was like karma for Michigan fans, a sort of vicarious revenge. We shouldn’t root against MSU, but I’ll admit, that time we did.

Sorry Sparty, but this season has been so wildly unpredictable that we can’t promise we’ll always support you (especially when you really don’t like to support us). In any case, though you narrowed the gap for us to squeeze into the title game, it still feels damn good to see OSU’s streak broken. This loss, as well as Ezekiel Elliott’s disparaging comments about his team, is going to completely break OSU’s mentality, not to mention MSU winning with 2 backup quarterbacks proves a healthy Michigan is totally capable of beating a shaken OSU. 

Unfortunately, MSU’s win yesterday means we still have to root against them one more time if we still have title hopes. I’m not (and I don’t think anyone else is) placing bets on a Penn State victory in East Lansing….but this season’s been nothing if not one long string of WTF? It’s been a wild ride, and it all comes down to Saturday...

….not only because it overall determines who goes to the Big 10 game, but because if Michigan has one goal every season, it’s just win The Game. So back to the main point here: buck the fuckeyes, we can’t wait to beat you Saturday. The end.

Weekly annoyance review 10/19

This week’s grievances, all in one convenient post.

———

1. The last 10 seconds
As if witnessing it in person wasn’t bad enough, those same 10 seconds appeared all over all my different social media platform timelines more times than my head could count and my heart could handle. Honestly I think my friend Christian summed it up best….not only in the following tweets, but when my (Spartan) friend Kaylee told him he looked cozy in his yellow fleece and he responded only by shouting “I’m fucking depressed” before slamming my door shut as he left :/

(This is Christian. This image went viral last year....)

2. Waiting 2 hours for pizza

If we’re being honest, this was clearly our fault, considering we chose the campus location and ordered 30 minutes after the game. After emotionally splurging on an XL and breadsticks, they said it would be an hour and a half wait for delivery, but only 35 minutes if we picked it up. Wat? Traffic *was* pretty congested in the 4-5 blocks between us and Cottage Inn I guess. Deciding pizza was more important than the extra wait just to mope on the couch in the meantime, we walked there after 40 minutes, and waited ALMOST 45 MINUTES MORE. Outside. With about 30 other people. Get ur shit together, Cottage Inn.

3. 2 exams, 1 day
You know what, U of M? I know this break is intended to be used for studying for our exams right after the break. I KNOW THAT. But every year I’m still caught off guard that we go back to class on Wednesday, and I’m hit with 2 exams on Thursday. Who could have prepared for such a thing????

4. Fall break in general
Michigan is actually one of the only schools in the state that even has a fall break, so I know I should be grateful for these 3 days at home……but I’m not. Because:
—fall break is the same weekend as the MSU game, so I had to spend 2 less days at home this year/was unable to plan a vacation I can’t afford during this “break”
—this break is just the precursor to midterms. It’s like sitting in the hot tub then jumping into the pool. IT’S SHITTY.
—how am I supposed to be studying for exams at my parents’ house, where the sun basked living room houses one of the cushiest couches known to man and a TV almost as wide as I am tall that constantly plays How I Met Your Mother and Grey’s Anatomy reruns? (Answer: I can’t)

5. Applying for jobs
I feel like Will Smith in The Pursuit of Happyness, only worse, because although he is homeless, he has prior work experience. I have literally no redeemable qualities or skills. Pls hire me.

6. Grad school????
I was so hype to graduate because ~*DONE WITH SKOOL 4 EVA*~ but now that I’m reevaluating, my degree is pretty much useless and my resume is so scattered that I probably wouldn’t hire me either. Maybe I should just apply to grad school and feel my soul wither away. Maybe if I went to a school in a new state it would be like a new adventure, almost as if someone gave me a job and I was making money, instead of spending it recklessly. Or maybe I should accept that I’ve failed before I’ve even started!

7. Broken nail
There I was, enjoying a beautiful fall morning with Katie at a picnic table along the river, when a bee attacked my tasty cinnamon donut and hot apple cider. Naturally, I wildly swatted the shit out of it. In my haste, my left hand flailed so uncontrollably that it hit the picnic bench with full force. I inspected my hand, expecting minimal damage, and found blood already gushing out from the center of my cracked pinky nail bed. This was terrifying and I did not want to rip my nail off, as Katie advised. Instead, after I complained through our trip to another cider mill, lunch, and ULTA, Katie drove me to 2 more stores in search of nail glue to piece my bloody digit back together. I luv u Katie. Mangled nail still hurts, though.

8. My dog hates me
Ok Oliver, I understand that I am the least capable member of our family in terms of taking care of you. I don’t let you sleep in my bed, like mom does. I don’t feed you potato chips or take you to the farm, like dad does. I don’t let you lick my eyeballs, like Ryan does, even though I really think this is understandable. I didn’t mother you when we brought you home as a puppy, like Patrick did (although it should be noted that Patrick was the only one home when we bought you, so he was forced to care about you). I may have insulted your intelligence during the bath I had to give you after you ran away in a thunderstorm, and I may have helped you set up a Twitter account that I now almost exclusively use to make fun of you. But I am the one who fought for an Invisible Fence in our yard after your dumb puppy ass ran into the road and got hit by a motorcycle. I am the one who lies down, scratches your ears, and waits for you to possibly one day speak and tell me about your day as you fall asleep. And I am the one who fights for your right to health, since all those mini donuts grandpa feeds you are clogging your doggy arteries faster than all the feta bread my human self has to endure. So when I come home for 3 days, I expect a warmer welcome than 10 seconds of intense tail wagging before you realize dad just opened a bag of chips. Until that day comes, I will continue talking shit about you online.

9. Awkward
I’m pretty sure Anna and I are the only ones that still watch MTV teen dramedies, but that really does not make the hold this show has over me any lesser. I have been waiting and waiting and waiting for both Matty and Jenna to grow a pair and get over the past and admit to each other that all they really want is to be together. They finally both have come to terms with their feelings, and they might even both go to school in Maine (aka my dream location!!!!!). Everything is finally in place for them, and then Jenna just changes her mind for the 29842175892375892 time. Whoever writes this show is like Shonda Rhimes Jr., but with less death.

10. Eating everything in sight
Comes home. Looks in fridge and pantry. Finds
—apple crisp
—General Tso’s chicken
—pasta
—my favorite roast chicken and root vegetables
—brownies
—an entire cupboard of candy
—3 different types of kettle cooked potato chips
—4 different types of popcorn
What the hell are you trying to do to me, mom?

11. The 6 times I’ve put on jeans this week
6 and counting. Do I have to

12. Our house’s power
On Wednesday, our apartment was 75% without power (again). I called our landlord, and when she didn’t answer, I emailed her. Needing internet for homework, I went into the hall and tried to figure out the fusebox. I have 0 idea of how to work a fusebox, but the box near the bottom said “pull to reset power,” so I did…..then it started sparking all over so I just shut it and ran. I emailed the landlord again to update her on this possible safety concern. 24 hours later she finally came over and fixed it. This morning (read: 5 days later), she emailed me saying, “You shouldn’t be touching that box at all. It wasn’t put back in place correctly and caused a power outage in the whole house.” ???? OK bish, not only did I email you to admit I didn’t put it back correctly for good reason, but the whole house was *already* without power. Send me another sassy email like that and I’ll have to contact student legal services about how dangerous it is to only have electricity 50% of the time with winter on its way :-)

———

I pray the next week will be less annoying. But I doubt it.

Owosso Mastodon: the real OG

So, this week a farmer in Chelsea dug up the bones of a woolly mammoth and everybody lost their shit, because

a) woolly mammoths have been extinct for like 10,000 years and 

b) it’s just really cool to imagine sharing this earth and chillin with such large woolly creatures

Paleontologists from U of M scurried over there as quick as possible to determine they are indeed woolly mammoth remains, and to persuade the farmer to donate the bones to the university’s already expansive collection (don’t worry, he did).

This is big news. It was on multiple national news outlets, and I’m sure the university is pissing their pants with glee that it was found in Chelsea, because honestly, what better nearby location is there to donate it to? (The answer is literally nowhere). And I’m really happy and excited for this woolly mammoth’s 15 minutes of fame. He deserves it. He’s been waiting 10,000 years to be discovered, much longer than the average aspiring star.

HOWEVER

If you’ve ever visited U of M’s Museum of Natural History, you probably get excited about strange things, which means there was an obvious standout exhibit there. And this, of course, is….

THE OWOSSO MASTODON.

That’s right, my friends. A mastodon named after my hometown. Let me just shoot a couple facts about this badass here

a) the Owosso Mastodon is one of the most complete mastodon skeletons ever discovered. EVER (over 95% of its bones in the exhibit are real!)
b) the Owosso Mastodon is a she. What up, lil mama
c) she was found on a farm in Owosso (although technically, the site was in Henderson….people always forget Henderson exists. Sorry, guys.)
d) she was found on my family’s property

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If we back it up a little, the story is not nearly as cool as I wish it was. I wish I could say little kindergarten Lauren was just playing in the backyard one day when I literally tripped over the tusk of a mastodon and then used my Fisher-Price shovel to find the rest of her.

However, my dad wasn’t even born for another 15 years or so when the bones were unearthed. The site is about 2 or 3 miles from our house, and back then, the land belonged to the Borsenik family (our second cousins). Some 50 years later my grandpa and dad bought the land from them and now I bask in totally undeserved fame of the largely unknown Owosso Mastodon.

You want to know the coolest part? Our mastodon was found in Owosso, the woolly was recently found in Chelsea, and other mastodon remains have been found in Perry and Williamston. These creatures liked to march up and down modern day M-52, the road that runs right through all these towns! (Though Williamston is a bit off of M-52….the mastodons that hung out over there probably thought they were too good to hang out by the highway, even though the quality of mastodon stomping ground there was really no different than aforementioned areas….) Can just imagine the mastodons bopping through the towns like “Stomping through 52 with my woes” ????? IT’S SO COOL

So there you have it. Even though woolly mammoths were way more rare than mastodons, and the Chelsea mammoth is a pretty huge discovery and contribution to the university, it’s also important to remember the real OG in this situation: the Owosso Mastodon.

Stay in your lane, Chelsea mammoth.

Weekly annoyance review

IT’S BEEN A REALLY STRESSFUL WEEK, AND ALTHOUGH I ALWAYS COMPLAIN MORE THAN THE AVERAGE HUMAN, I FEEL AS THOUGH MORE ANNOYING THINGS HAVE HAPPENED IN THE PAST WEEK THAN USUAL AND THEY REALLY NEED TO BE ADDRESSED.

Top 10 things that have unnecessarily annoyed me this week

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1. The football game
Yeah we shut out a ranked team and thus became ranked, yeah yeah, it was great. That was not the annoying part. The intensely annoying part was that for the first time since I’ve been here, the fanny pack I wear on every game day was suddenly deemed not allowed. Look, I know bags aren’t allowed in the stadium. Everyone knows that. HOWEVER
—security has always overlooked it and let it in, even though I’ve made no attempt to hide it
—I had to go to the complete opposite side of the stadium to check my empty bag
—when I attempted to enter the stadium at the gate nearest bag check, I was sent back to where I started
—when I got back to the student gate, I was told I couldn’t come in because my ticket had already been scanned in once today
—the original guy who kicked me out let me back in, but only as the supervisor warned me it’s MY responsibility next time to make sure security signs my ticket if I leave the stadium and need back in
You people suck, and ruined my game day.

2. Armed robbery down the street
Actually, it’s fucking terrifying that this week was the second armed robbery directly around the corner from our apartment this month, but it’s pretty annoying too, because now I have to fear for my life every time I walk home at a relatively late time of night. Sweet.

3. Parking on our street
I parked on the street in front our neighbors’, who, unlike us, have driveway. There definitely wasn’t 4 feet from the front of my car to the edge of their driveway (the minimum before you can get ticketed), but I was more than a foot away and there weren't even any cars in their driveway. Later, I walked out to find 2 cars now parked in the driveway, and a note on my windshield that said “We can’t back out of our driveway with you car parked like this.” Like this? As if I’m parked so horrendously?! As if. If I’m blocking your driveway, how the hell did you fit 2 cars in there since I’ve been parked there?? If you can’t angle your Malibu out of a 5 ft+ wide space, that sounds like your problem, not mine, goodbye.

4. Stupid quiz
I was legitimately so scared for how expansive my prof and GSI made this quiz sound that I skipped a class to study, because I felt I didn't get enough studying in over the weekend. Turns out the quiz was 5 questions, each of which required no more than one word answers, and I knew all the answers from the studying I had completed over the weekend. And I think I was the first one done. Sigh.

5. Rude bitches who don’t know how cars work
Why is this such a problem in Ann Arbor??? On Friday, my friend Hannah and I were turning right on a green light at State and North U, when a girl stepped out into the crosswalk. Hannah stopped in plenty of time and waved her along, while the girl responded by exaggeratedly rolling her eyes and looking directly at us while moving at a snail-like pace through the crosswalk. Earlier that day, my roommate and I were attempting to parallel park her giant ass Yukon in the tiny circle drive of the League. While she was backing up, a girl talking on her phone walked directly into our path and then had the nerve to look directly at us and shout “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!” before stomping her little troll self away. Common sense is hard and all, but I really don't feel bad that they walked into the path of moving vehicles. I kinda just regret not running them over.

6. Having to walk to NQ from SEB in 10 minutes
This is the worst 10 minutes of my week, because
a) it’s the furthest walk for back to back classes I’ve ever had
b) at least 50% of our student population also happens to be walking through the Diag between 4:00 and 4:10
c) Ingalls Mall is STILL CLOSED, so the shortest route isn’t even available
I only have to do this once a week, but it’s truly one time too many.

7. People who try to ride their bike through the Diag between classes
What the fuck is wrong with you??????

8. Diag preacher
To be completely honest, nothing this guy was saying yesterday was more offensive than him standing RIGHT ON THE M in the Diag. Tell me I’m going to hell all you want but you best not disrespect me and this school by stepping your grimy bigot feet on the M!!!!!!

9. The Bachelor filming started
And I’m not currently lounging around a mansion in California, vying for the affection of my one true love, Ben H. Thinking about the filming starting and him meeting all these women who are not me even though I should totally be there PHYSICALLY PAINS ME. I’m caught somewhere between anxiously awaiting the producers to call me up to ambush the middle of the season (a la Nick) and waiting for the season to begin so I can blog/cry about it. If you need an update of how things are going so far, check out the first half of this podcast. If you’re like me, the only part you’ll hear through your tears is “I don’t think he’ll find love on this show.” This gives me hope (but the description of how beautiful the women are does not. 0/10 would not listen to this podcast again because emotions.)

10. Piper Kerman
PIPER KERMAN, aka the woman whose life experiences and memoir inspired “Orange is the New Black” (!!!!!!)  is COMING TO MICHIGAN ON TUESDAY to give a speech and I cannot attend because I’ll be in class. I’ve never wanted to attend one of these things before, and the one time I actually want to is the only time I’m forced to take an evening class?! THIS IS BULLSHIT.