The Bachelor week 1 (1/4)

Is there a way for me to effectively introduce my live stream of the premiere episode of the Bachelor season I hoped to appear on??? No, there isn’t, except to let you know that I was armed with Franzia, leftover Christmas cookies, and in the company of my best friend and mother (who may or may not have been laughing at me, idk). So let’s just get to it.

And also I would like to remind everyone one more time that casting said they were going to put a star on my application for the producers. Ok, now let’s get to it.

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Already not ok with the amount of kissing and love shit happening in this intro

“He is my husband” that’s funny because he absolutely is not

All he has said is “I’m Ben Higgins” and I’ve already typed “slay me omg” so

Okay I’m not saying this to be dramatic but Ben’s yard actually looks exactly like my yard, barn and everything

And Warsaw looks A LOT like Owosso…

Literally everything about Ben talking about his hometown is EXACTLY HOW I THINK OF MY HOMETOWN, I TRIED TO EXPRESS HOW CRUCIAL THIS WAS TO BOTH OF US  TO CASTING

Ben wants a girl with “small town values” hey remember how I told casting that I vibe better with people from small towns in the midwest, because we tend to have had similar life experiences and value the same things in life? Haha me too *cries self asleep*

EVEN THE DEER THEY FILMED LOOK LIKE THE ONES IN MY YARD OH MY FUCK
(I realize all deer look the same but you know what I mean)

I relate to Ben’s fear of being unlovable so much that it was actually the final deciding factor in why I went to the casting call. Kk this is getting too deep, need more wine

Wait if his parents live on a lake where was that barn???

My mom just confirmed that everything Ben’s parents are saying to him right now are things she has also expressed to me, in case you were wondering if I just made up this fallacy that we are perfect for each other

What is this McDonalds commercial???? I’m extremely uncomfortable

Side note: is another Kung Fu Panda movie really necessary

LOL really hoped to never see Chris again

I personally find Jason to be irrelevant

Chris and Whitney dropped their engagement about a month after the show so I think DON’T LISTEN TO THOSE ASSHOLES BEN BE TRUE TO UR BEAUTIFUL SELF

I forgot that Chris is the most boring human ever

Close up on Ben fixing his belt??? Absolutely into it

He keeps referring to hopefully walking away with a “young lady” and I can’t tell if that’s adorable or weird

Chris Harrison, missed u bae

The first Lauren B is in a bikini in California. O fucking k

Caila broke up with her boyfriend because she felt compelled to date a guy on TV??? BYEEEEE

Jubilee????????????????????????????????????

Mandi is the new Ashley S

The twins are a damn joke, I’m not even taking the time to learn their names

“It doesn’t really seem like they want normal people on this show…..so don’t feel bad”

-my mother

Amanda is from Orange County and sells organic skin care products??? That’s the absolute opposite of small town midwest values but kk casting, you definitely know what Ben wants

Tiara is a dumb bad name. She will be going by Chicken Bitch from now on

Pictures of chickens on Bach is the equivalent of talking to animals on BIP!

Not super intrigued by Samantha but she’s an attorney and from my favorite vacation town so she’s ok I guess

I just received a text that said I’m way too smart to be on this show. Thanks for the ego boost guys but tbh marrying Ben would’ve been the best ego boost of all ~sigh~

Omg when he said “hi Lauren” that’s how he would’ve said my name. I am dead

Caila jumping into his arms was the most awkward thing ever and definitely not the best first impression ever, he’s just being nice

Jami is def beautiful so I GUESS I’m ok with him greeting her with “hey beautiful”

You know I have this strange feeling Samantha did not just find out she passed her exam but that’s just me

Excuse me Ben you do not like that dress

Amanda you might be the opposite of what Ben supposedly wants but holy shit you’re beautiful ugh

Ur name is Lace?? That is not a name

Also why would you want the first kiss if it was going to be that terrible you turdsack

Lauren just talked right over him and didn’t tell him her name….people skills are hard

Shushanna………………………………………………

Nope nope nope everything about bending over and pulling up your dress is NO

Those unicorn heads quite frankly terrify me but I also laughed so you know what I’m down with Jojo

Lauren from Ann Arbor no matter what you say I HATE YOU BECAUSE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE LAUREN FROM ANN ARBOR ON THE SHOW

Her friends call her Red Velvet? That’s a weirdly sexual nickname so I doubt that

Mandi you did not just use the word pollenate

I feel u Laura I feel pretty ugly in my glasses and yoga pants with cookie crumbs on them too

“I don't think this should be a ‘we’ kind of thing”

—Amanda about the twins

“Yes we’re here! We’re twins!” Hey are you really

Ben’s side eye to the horse was the best part of these introductions

Pretty sure introducing yourself by saying you’re gluten-free is the best way to get a one way ticket home

Does LB have eyebrows

To show up on a first date with your wedding invite already printed. BOLD to say the absolute least

I want Ben to look at me the way he looked at Olivia 

He just asked Olivia if her dimple was real (???) and admittedly this is the first time he’s ever lost points in my book

They’re all saying how much better Ben looks in person and I feel sad for myself that I cannot confirm this

Ben I slightly disagree with the statement that it could not have gone better but hey this isn’t my show

Girl who is fanning herself, keep it in your pants my friend

In theory Olivia leaving her job to be on the show sounds good but….

Key point: Olivia stresses that she loved that her job allowed her to give back to the community (which I might challenge but whatever)...hmmm

Chris Harrison looking at Becca when she got out of the limo just made the entire episode for me

I would fear Lace would kill me in my sleep

Also Lace how bout you open your mouth when you speak, bud

I wouldn’t exactly call Ben’s reaction to seeing Becca a good reaction

How many Bachelor shows is Amber going to appear on before she realizes this gig isn’t for her

“Do you mind if I steal him?” the most passive aggressive phrase used on this show

Ben’s response to Lace trying to sexually assault his face is PERFECT. Amazing

Why does Lace look pissed off that he wanted to get to know her better? I am confused?

WHY is Ben so considerate of women’s feelings??? Not saying it’s bad, this is just so foreign of a concept

Placing my bet: first impression rose goes to Olivia

If Olivia is insecure about the first impression rose then that’s a testament to how intimidating of an environment this show much be

“Lauren B took my breath away” omg dat’s me

I don’t dig Jennifer thus far but I dig the things he just said to her

I’m not super down with Olivia getting the first impression rose, but I do understand why Ben chose her, her first impression was undeniably the best

I hope Amber goes home tonight lmao

Yassss Lauren B doing our name proud and snagging the first rose!!!!

And LB is second??? My odds would’ve been hella good!

I agree with that sentiment Jubilee, if I didn’t get a rose from Ben I would assume I just fucked up my entire life

How did Amber get a rose before Becca tho

The further the twins make it on this show the more respect I will have lost for Ben

How bad would you feel if someone who didn't even speak English got a rose instead of you

“It sucks having a guy say no. But it wouldn’t be the first time.” RT 

LOL @ whoever just said “again?”

Lace is toooooo high maintenance and needy to be on a show with 27 other girls. And for life in general

Are there legitimately guys out there who communicate as well as Ben? Because hmu

That might already be a record for the number of women who say “I love you”

Ah I knew Olivia was going to be the manipulative one

Omg watching Ben cry just made me tear up. Is this what love feels like 

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Well that first episode was about as emotional for me as I expected, and I liked as few of the girls as I thought I would!

Surprisingly, I did like Lauren B even though I told myself I wouldn’t because I’m way too bitter about our namesake. Do I like her, though, or do I just like the way it sounds when Ben says my name…? Either way, more Lauren B please.

I’m really irked that Becca and Amber are back, but especially Becca. I was rooting for Becca to win Chris’ season, because I think she was incredibly genuine and honestly gave me the hope that if she was so normal and real, then I could get on the show too. But this time around it feels less genuine. Becca (and Amber) has been doing a ton of self promotion on her social media, so it feels like coming on the show is more about the extra fame, while also abusing her connections with the producers to get to hook up with a great guy in the process. I think the producers tried too hard to pull another Nick situation, except Ben wasn’t even pleased to see either of them. Definitely a ratings ploy, but not a good one. Those 2 are taking up two spots that could’ve gone to more deserving ladies *cough cough*

As for Olivia….something’s not quite right. Her first conversation with Ben was a little *too* perfect. I think Olivia told Ben exactly what he wanted to hear. If you’ve ever found Ben on social media, it’s no secret that charity work is a huge part of his life, BUT he's never really talked about it on the show, so knowing this would require some outside research. The way she somehow twisted being a news anchor into being passionate about charity work immediately tipped me off that she’s playing the game. And by snagging the first impression rose, I think she’s going to play it pretty well.

I received 2 more texts tonight that added to growing support of the idea that casting called the wrong Lauren from Ann Arbor, so I thought maybe I’d call Bachelor Live to see if expressing my concern over live national television would get my pal Chris Harrison to launch an investigation into that (and also to tell Ben if he’s single by the end of this season to come find me, the real Lauren from Ann Arbor. Holla) 

But 147 calls later, I did not find out the truth about casting or get to talk to my future husband. Better luck next week, right?!