Hey friends, happy Bachelorette Monday! This week I decided to switch up the format of the blog a little bit. Although a lot of you have expressed that you like the “live tweet” format of the blog (that’s why you’re reading this, right?), I personally don’t really find it fun to read anymore. Not to mention it’s an extremely lazy way of writing….I pretty much just write whatever comes to mind and it’s not very reader friendly. So we’re going to try something new and it’ll hopefully work out better for both those who read right after the episode and those who read as they watch it on Hulu the next day. I’m not sure how this is going to go yet, so bear with me while I work the kinks out—if this week sucks, next week will be better!
So here we go, week 3 of the Bachelorette!
So here we go, week 3 of the Bachelorette!
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The mansion is TP’d, there are empty alcohol bottles and meat plates (#Chad) everywhere, and guys are sleeping in various places throughout the house. Sort of like your stereotypical idea of a frat house except with nicer alcohol and meat plates. The guys recap the events of Chad’s carnivorous antics at the cocktail party the night before while Chad and Vampire Daniel get all brotein, counting calories and grunting and shit. Normally framing male friendships as gay irritates me but it’s pretty clear Daniel has a crush on Chad so this one is ok.
This week there are 2 one on ones and 1 group date. The first date card says, “Chase—let’s get physical.” 2 words I like hearing in the same sentence: Chase and physical. Dude is by far the hottest guy on this season in my humble opinion. An overly confident Chad does not understand why his name wasn’t on the card. I’m beginning to question whether or not he understands the point of this show.
Jojo and Chase show up to a yoga studio where an instructor with a 4 syllable first name awaits them. After asking them how long they’ve been intimate, it becomes clear this is going to be pretty much exactly like the “yoga” date Carly went on during Chris’ season where they moaned a lot. The writers must be running out of date ideas (but can you blame them?? This is like the 1200th date they’ve had to plan). The instructor directs them to thrust their pelvises while they shout “hey” and have something called angergasms. Who’s more uncomfortable: Chase and Jojo, or me, Amanda, and Emma? But once they begin their partner work, the mood changes. Chase looks hot af in those little spandex shorts and Jojo is so cute with her little high ponytail and yoga outfit. Their sort of mount each other so that their “hearts are aligned” and there are breathing exercises and eye contact. Of course they start making out and it’s ~intimate~ and really hot. I wanted to believe this was all spontaneous and partner yoga can bring out all these sexy feels but it turns out the instructors aren’t even in the room at this time. It was staged. I am hurt.
During the cocktail part of the date, Chase says this date was perfect for him, which I find weirdly attractive (I don’t even do yoga, why do I like this so much???) He then goes on to talk about his parents divorce and how he believes marriage is forever so it’s, like, rly important. At one point he uses the phrase, “If there’s enough love to overcome that fear, why not [get engaged]?” which is cheesy as hell, but so is this entire show and I’m still here, so whatever. This dude slays, so he obviously snags rose as Jojo reveals there’s one last surprise for the date. It’s a private concert in the yard by some dude named Charles Kelly. Chase says he feels “completed,” Jojo says she feels “connected to Chase,” and they both say it’s the “start of something.” *cue High School Musical song*
Back at the house, the group date card reads, “Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F, Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, & Chad—Love has no secrets.” As Chad bitches that he doesn’t even want to go on the date, it compels Jordan to explain that this is literally how the show works and tells him Jojo probably doesn’t even want to spend the whole day with him. Burn, dude. The other guys try to chime in for Chad to shut the fuck up, but when Jordan insults Chad’s intelligence (something about how luckily the date isn’t a spelling date—Chad definitely seems like the type of guy to use the wrong “your”), Chad attacks Jordan as a 27 year old failed football player. Sad, but true. Alex attempts to shut down the situation by telling the group it’s clear there’s a “solid piece of shit” in the room, and gives a little “SMDH” to Chad when he challenges him to a duel. Not actually, but he did ask him if he wants to fight. I’m glad Chad feels like a confident beefcake but I probably wouldn’t take on Alex if I were him. He might be short but he’s a beefy military dude—I am 100% more confident in Alex’s physical capabilities than Chad’s, whose only physical activity appears to be picking things up and putting them down.
The limo conversation on the way to the group date is dominated by fears that Alex and Chad might get a bit feisty. Evan, on the other hand, just looks positively giddy to be there. Aw. The group walks into a theater, where a woman onstage breathes heavily into a microphone and explains that she just orgasmed. ??????? They’re at a sex comedy show, and the guys will be today’s performers. This date is very Kaitlyn-esque. As the guys prepare their performances, alcohol is flowing and there are mixed emotions. Jordan is uneasy because he apparently doesn’t even tell his closest friends about his sex experiences (does anyone believe this???). Unable to enjoy anything in any form, Chad refuses to talk about sex because it’s “none of Jojo’s business.” Alrighty, we’re all just going to assume you suck in bed. Feeling mischievous, Evan reveals his story won’t actually be about a personal experience, but a joke at Chad’s expense. The guys are glad someone decided to call him out, but everyone, especially me, is terrified of how Chad will respond.
The guys’ stories are actually pretty funny. Apparently Grant got arrested mid-losing his virginity, someone farted during a threesome with Wells, and Daniel tied up a girl and cut off some of her hair with a pocket knife (more evidence that he’s a vampire). As an erectile dysfunction specialist, Evan’s story is a “cautionary tale” about the dangers of using steroids….uh oh. Sure, it’s ballsy of Evan to call out Chad’s hyper-masculinity, but is this really the best opportunity?? If I were Jojo I probably wouldn’t appreciate someone using this time to make fun of another contestant. As Evan makes his way back to his seat, Chad grabs him by the back of his shirt as he makes his way to the stage!!!!!!!!!!!!! Danger is afoot! When Chad asks Jojo to join him onstage, I can’t help but feel like he’s going to simulate sex on her. Instead, all he did was try to kiss her, but she TURNED HER HEAD. Chad gets Jojo’s cheek and embarrasses himself further by throwing the microphone across the stage. Rejection: feels bad, man.
Chad displays his manliness by punching a door backstage, while Alex and Evan show their manliness by chest bumping (do guys do this? I thought only elementary age boys did this. Need further clarification.) When Chad attempts to choke Evan, the rest of the guys come to his defense and tell Chad to brush off the joke. Unwilling to laugh at literally anything much less himself, Chad and his bleeding knuckles ACTUALLY SAY OUTLOUD, “If I don’t lift some weights right now I’m gonna murder someone.” L O FUCKING L.
They then take the date to what looks like an antique store (idk it’s never explained why they’re there). Jordan reveals to Jojo that she has been the best part of waking up lately, which is utterly unsurprising considering he currently lives with Chad in a meat plate palace. He also admits he’s only said “I love you” to one person, which is endearing. Still on Team Jordan. Seconds after James F sits down to talk to Jojo, Chad attempts to interrupt, but Jojo is having none of that. She actually asks him to go away and wait. You go, girl. Being the cocky bastard he is, Chad decides to “go away” to across the room, where James and Jojo know he is still listening. At this point, I feel as though Jojo should be fearful of psychotic Chad but hey, that’s just me. After Vinny in all seriousness asks how Chad thinks his performance went, Chad says pulling on Evan’s shirt was only because Evan pushed him and attempted to block him from getting onstage…..because everyone in the room didn’t witness it entirely differently. Ooookay. Hours after Chad threatened his life, Evan decides this is a good time to ask him why he’s here and ask for an apology as well as a new shirt. Sigh. Evan, look, I’m trying really hard to root for you here, but you’re not doing yourself any favors. That darn liquid courage!
When it’s finally Chad’s turn to talk to Jojo, they spend their entire time talking about Evan. Jojo playfully suggest Chad stops bullying Evan and gives him the benefit of the doubt. Evan is STRESSING OUT about the conversation he is about to have with Jojo—he drops the bomb that if Chad remains in the running, he will be leaving the show. Although I understand Evan’s intentions, this ambush is kind of unfair to Jojo. At this point she still has not idea how bad the blood between the two guys is and honestly, she has no reason to take what Evan says as the truth. What has happened between Evan and Jojo to make her immediately kick off anyone Evan says she should? A risky move on my boi Evan’s part.
After returning to the group to hand out the group date rose, Jojo asks to speak privately with Evan, which everyone knows is code for being sent home early. Things don’t look good at first, but shockingly, all she did was take his feelings about Chad being there into consideration and ask him to please accept the group date rose anyway. They kiss (initiated by her!) and his smile is so bright and genuine. My heart has melted. (Look, I know Evan will not win but this is ADORABLE. Leave me alone.) The pair returns to the group and Chad has this stupid dumbfounded look on his face that prompts Jojo to ask, “U ok??” Chad has to audacity to ask if Jojo SERIOUSLY gave Evan the rose. Jojo has the balls to fire back that she doesn’t appreciate the disrespect to her and Evan. Hell yeah Jojo, tell him like it is—this is your show and you can date whoever you fucking want! Except Chad. Send his ass home.
The next date card reads, “James T—let’s kick it old school.” The little blue vintage car makes another appearance as a 50s clad Jojo and James pull up to an empty building where a little old couple is dancing. Jean, the dance instructor, looks like old Rose in Titanic. Precious. The couple starts their swing dance lesson and it becomes clear they’re both terrible dancers. Jean describes the chemistry between the two, which must’ve been edited out, because I saw none. Outside, the streets are filled with couples swing dancing like a scene from a musical. They try to join, but can’t, because everyone but them are professional dancers. Later, they share a suspicious thermos in the back of the car and Jojo describes how she’s unsure she’s attracted to James. Romantic! Somehow him describing that he feels insecure about girls must’ve sparked something, because she gives him the one on one rose anyway. James then pulls out a guitar and sings a song about how Ben picked Lauren over Jojo. Um, ok. They finally kiss after an absurd amount of hugging.
Back at the house, Derek expresses feeling scared to be Chad’s roommate. Probably smells pretty meaty in there. A security guard has been hired to watch Chad, which begs the question why is this ding dong still allowed here??? Daniel tries to reason with his boyfriend Chad, who is biting directly into a whole sweet potato (I couldn’t make this up if I tried). Daniel tries and fails to politely ask him to maybe go from being Hitler to Mussolini. Huh. Something to ponder there. Alas, this chat is interrupted when Chris Harrison arrives to ruin everyone’s day and announce that Jojo has canceled the night’s cocktail party…..in favor of a POOL COCKTAIL PARTY! Amazing.
In an ~unprecedented~ move, Evan attempts to make Chris Harrison the mediator in the Battle of Chad. I appreciate Evan’s sincerity in wanting to eliminate this situation, but I fear it will only exacerbate it. Maybe Evan should just quietly leave it alone. Instead of doing literally anything at all, Chris tells Chad to go inside and solve the problem…..but Chad’s voiceover frighteningly says his idea of solving it would be CUTTING OFF EVERYONE’S LEGS AND ARMS AND THROWING THEM IN THE POOL.
The episode ends with a dramatic “To be continued” but according to the preview, Chad does not, um, solve the problem: apparently both Evan and James T are bleeding.
No rose ceremony tonight, but Chase, Evan, and James T have all already received their roses.
See you all tomorrow for the “dramatic conclusion” of week 3!
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