The Bachelor week 5 (2/1)

This is the best Monday ever. I got to be Chief Justice in mock SCOTUS oral arguments this morning (and even though it was randomly selected I had hella self importance), had class with Hot Prof today, I’ve eaten countless Oreos, my first class tomorrow was canceled, and now I have wine + the Bachelor. Life is good, my friends.

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Yeah I spoke too soon on the life is good thing bc the IOWA CAUCUS IS INTERRUPTING THE BACHELOR

Honestly I should be watching the Iowa coverage for class with Hot Prof anyway

Omg we didn’t miss anything, bless you ABC for knowing your [dumb] audience

I don’t want Ben or anyone to say Viva Mexico again

Going on the Bachelor would be fun if only for traveling and staying in nicer hotels than you’ll ever be able to afford filled with endless wine

Idk how or why Olivia thinks Ben doesn’t “validate” anyone else in the group

Frankly I think I would cry for my ugly soul every time I had to be in the same room as someone as pretty as Amanda

Wait the girls have to share beds?

“Whose weave is this???”

Jesus christ Amanda WOULD look like that in the morning fml

The most Michigan accent just came out of Lauren from Ann Arbor’s mouth

(Do I have a Michigan accent???)

Ben is all about the air transportation

He’s so nerdy, I’m so into it

Amanda’s so pretty but then this helium voice comes out and idk

If it were possible to drop-kick myself in response to Lauren from Ann Arbor’s one on one you know I would

Drink if you’ve also been cheated on by a garbage dude *glug glug glug*

When the girls from Cali, Nevada, and Texas don’t know any Spanish :////

Jubilee is such a dumb bitch 

Apparently Olivia missed the part where he said the exact same phrases to every other girl

No one considered the fact that whoever gets Ben as their partner would have an “unfair advantage”? This show, man

I love when everyone talks about Olivia’s breath

It must be awkward when the 2 girls that have one on ones that week hate each other and have to spend the group date time together alone in the house

“The Spatchulor”

Look at Ben’s burnt bread lmao

Jubilee acting like she’s the only one who wishes she wasn’t on a group date lol get over yourself

I need Jojo to stop saying “my taco”

“It looks like dog food” HAHAHAHAHHA

Yeah Jubilee but little do you know the one ready to get married is Lauren B not u

Hey is anyone surprised Olivia got Ben alone before he even finished his sentence

Jubilee is so dramatic and poopy

Lauren B in that all white outfit makes me regret those countless cookies today

Jubilee finally admits she hates being overshadowed. That’s code for “drama queen”

Honestly at this point I hate Jubilee more than Olivia

OOOOOOOH HE’S NOT CONFIDENT IN HIM AND JUBILEE NOW

Ben slapping Jubilee with some TROOF (truth)

Hey if Ben sent her home right now as they sit on this stupid couch I’d be so down with it

SHOT THE FUCK DOWN

*happy dance w mouth full of wine*

Ben looks so horrendously awkward walking her out and I am just soaking it up

Did anyone else just notice the bottom right of the screen said “Saying adios is never easy….”

Ben just sitting in the dark crying

I don’t even know the girl who just said she was nervous about not having time with him yet tonight

Why is Ben even bothering to tell the girls Jubilee was intriguing

Lol Jojo is like “hey I really don’t care if Jubilee left but can I talk to you”

I feel like Jojo is me. If I were any of these girls I wouldn’t be Lauren B I’d be Jojo

(I mean obviously I’m always Lauren B but you get what I mean)

In what way does Olivia deserve that rose? What?

God damn it I hate Lauren from Ann Arbor

Remember how she was on the campus snap story this weekend? Did anyone happen to see what bar she was at???

I really dig Ben’s Mexican outfit

Lauren from Ann Arbor is the type of girl who says “holy shoot”

Had to look away when they took tequila shots tbh

SHE’S SO BOOOOOOOORING

Drink if you’ve been cheated on by someone with your friend *gluggggggggggggg*

No lie I’m a walking female stereotype when it comes to relationships, I belong on this show

Either Lauren from Ann Arbor is drunk af or she’s pigeon toed

Hey I’m in love with Ben, just thought everyone needed a reminder

I’m obsessed with Jojo’s dress, I need that for date party

Awkward silence to the Teen Mom comment

I’m really confused why Olivia is the one crying after that incident

We’ve decided tonight that we love Emily bc she reminds us of Emma

Olivia sniffing her rose and saying “Ben” is this season’s equivalent of Joe’s “gimme that rose” on BIP

Aw Emily talking about being bullied is cute and sad

Wait I feel like Emily updating Haley on what happened tonight violates the confidentiality agreement

Amanda just says “her” assuming Ben knows she’s referring to Olivia

WAIT STFU IT’S 9:58 DO NOT DO A TO BE CONTINUED

DO NOT DO THIS TO ME PRODUCERS

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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Ok like I know I should be happy with this episode BUT I’M NOT.

Yes, I’m so happy Ben’s not a total moron and sent Jubilee home. That honestly took 2 episodes longer than it should have and I’m not bothering to even give it any more discussion than this. Bye bitch!

But FIRST OF ALL, the fact that a significant amount of the episode was dedicated to Lauren from Ann Arbor is not alright. She’s annoying, not a compelling human, and I still can’t get over that “Ben wants a wife who can get along with all the other soccer moms” comment.

AND SECOND OF ALL, when an episode ends with “To be continued”, I come VERY CLOSE to throwing my wine at the TV because quite frankly this show plays with my damn emotions more than Olivia manipulates the house. I might be crying.

And I hate to burst anyone’s bubble, but in case you’ve forgotten: in the season preview after the first episode, there’s a clip of Ben and Olivia sitting on this cliff thing by the water, where Olivia explains the situation and Ben says it actually sounds like she’s the victim. That scene hasn’t happened yet, so this cocktail party convo doesn’t end a la Jubilee.

But maybe that cliff scene will end a la Farmer Chris and Kelsey, meaning Ben hops into a helicopter and leaves Olivia stranded on the cliff.