The Bachelor week 7 (2/15)

Happy (Day After) Valentine’s Day!

The closest thing I had to a Valentine was a date with Katie at Hopcat and my ex-boyfriend superliked me on Tinder.

So now I shall spend time with my real Valentine: Ben

—————————————————

I’m depressed because I’m not in Warsaw

I think I’m obsessed with Ben’s parents

These girls throwing leaves at each other is the most white girl photo shoot I’ve ever seen

Ben on a pontoon is internally exciting the Michigander in me

I thought at first Warsaw was like Owosso but there are no houses for rent like that at home…..maybe Owosso on steroids

Yeah so Warsaw LOOKS like Owosso but all the buildings are much larger and prettier

If I brought Ben to Owosso it’d be like “there’s my house 15 miles away from civilization, there’s my dance studio where I spent my entire life, there’s my church I never go to, there’s where all the meth houses are”

Hey I’m stellar with kids, I’d kill this date

HELL YEAH RONNIE u fckin baller

Tbh I don’t know who Paul George is but I could get down with Boomer the mascot

When little girls would cry at the dance studio I’d be like ok go sit by the wall idk

“I’d 100% prefer a one on one than a group date” yeah no shit Becca

My girls Lauren B and Jojo swiping up those one on ones

Lauren and Ben are so stinkin cute that it both brings me joy and physically pains me

LOL that that’s Ben’s dive bar….imagine if I took him to Jumbo’s

The girls apparently don’t have a ton of geographical knowledge because they’re currently very close to Chicago 

There’s no reason that Ben would be a Tigers fan but I'm still disappointed he’s not

How ironic that they’re chasing each other around wearing jerseys bc word on the street is Jojo is a huge Dallas jersey chaser lol

Ben: *trots across home plate*
Jojo: *body slams him anyway*

Jojo: what is this

Ben: this is what they call a scoreboard

I feel like Emily is going to go on this one on one and be immediately sent home

Becca: it’s really different this time around because I’m not the obvious favorite ugh

Christian just pointed out that Ben’s sweater+brown blazer combo is very dad-like and I’m not talking DILF :/

Did anyone else see Ben kind of slap Jojo when she said “Mr. Higgins”?????? Uh

“I hope it’s not all flying kites today” why did I laugh so hard

It’s weird that the show now talks about FaceTiming and we see Emily and Ben on their cellphones. This never used to happen/be allowed

Watching Becca struggle to feel something this time when she finally actually WANTS to is hilarious

Similarly to Caila I would also be worried about the impact of taking Ben to my hometown but for different reasons (re: meth houses)

“I picture myself as moss” ok u total weirdo

Ben REALLY wants to meet Amanda’s kids damn

Lmaooooo Ben leaves Becca and Caila in the DUST

Watching Ben kiss Amanda’s neck in the limo just gave me such intense feels

I would not sit there all poised and cry in silence after you leave me in a barn I’m bout to throw some fuckin HAY

Becca’s eyes are a full 2 inches apart

Oh NO Ben does NOT normally go to McDonald’s, that shit does NOT FLY WITH ME!!!!!!

Oh wait this is basically a paid ad. Remember those weird “breakfast or dinner” ads he was in

Thank god, I knew my soulmate would never dig fast food

Amanda was not interested in that Lady and the Tramp moment. Neither was I

This carnival is essentially Curwood. This epitomizes my hometown

BEN’S SCARED OF CARNIVAL RIDES TOO SO AM I

Watching a bunch of children hit Ben with inflatable hammers is a clip I didn’t know I needed to see

Does anyone else get this feeling that Ben is perpetually stuck in high school

It’s ok Ben I peaked in high school too

When Emily doesn’t know what a swan is :///

ARE THEY DRINKING SPIKED CIDER BECAUSE IT’S FALL? ~ROMANCE~

You might be surprised that Emily is going to meet Ben’s parents on this date but it’s because she will not be making it to the ACTUAL hometown dates

I want Ben’s mom to grab my hands like that

The background music is telling me that I feel bad for Emily

Well they’re very anti-young so looks like I would’ve been out immediately

Just kidding I just realized they mean “young” as in “immature with no direction in life”

I feel uncomfortable that all the girls just watched Ben dump her

I know that Jojo and I are on a different level because girlfriend contours her forehead

I hope Caila sends herself home

Plot twist: Ben sends Becca home *fingers crossed*

Damn I’m getting too good at the Bachelor

(^ can I put that on my resume?)

“Why did you do that?” Because someone has to go home Becca stfu

Bets Becca will reappear as The Bachelorette/on BIP?

—————————————————

If I was into this show before, now I’m SUPER into it, because everything is going according to plan! Or how I hoped, I guess. Because I really had no hand in planning this.

Because we all know that if I had planned this, Becca wouldn’t have even been on the show to begin with. Yes, I know Becca is super sweet and gorgeous and genuine. Don’t get me wrong, I was rooting for Becca on Chris’ season and I was dumbfounded when he picked Whitney instead. And that’s exactly why I wasn’t rooting for her this season: she’s not the girl for Ben. Someone who’s perfect for Chris is not the type Ben should go for. It’s just hard to remember that because Becca makes for such good TV.

After watching Emily’s date, I didn’t feel bad for her so much as I felt straight up annoyed at the missed opportunity. Think of all the things you could’ve said to Ben’s parents to show what an amazing person you are and why you and their ONLY SON THAT IS CLEARLY THEIR WHOLE LIFE would be perfect together. Emily decides to tell them that she’s really average at everything in life, she aspires to be an NFL cheerleader, and her dream life would be just watching movies all day every day? What the actual fuck, Emily. You deserve to ride that pontoon all the way back to Las Vegas. Across the desert. You idiot.

And while I’m happy for my two faves, Lauren and Jojo, after this episode, some interesting rumors have been swirling about them both offscreen. Like I said, it’s apparently “well known” that Jojo is a serial jersey chaser and especially likes hockey players? Not sure how much truth there is to that, but someone motivated by the money and potential fame of a professional athlete would certainly be interested in being on The Bachelor. As for Lauren, apparently homegirl was arrested for public intoxication pretty shortly before being cast. Then again, it also was apparently at Coachella, which frankly I 100% forgive her for—I’ve been publicly intoxicated at more than a few music festivals. In my heart of judgmental hearts, my opinion of Lauren hasn't changed while I question Jojo's character a tad more.

Another fun fact swirling that may or may not be true: apparently Ben was in DU at IU. Take what you will from that point of info.

Swaggy touchdown into ur heart gurl