The Bachelor finale (3/14)

Emma: Are you ready?

Me: Yeah. I think my brain might explode. I’m not really emotionally prepared for this.

Me: So I guess no I’m not ready

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I hate this whole “live” thing. It’s not live. Stop trying to make live happen, Chris Harrison

Well I guess you know who the audience wants to win

Is it really necessary to actually invite Neil Lane tho

WHAT? TONIGHT? WHAT? WHAT??????????

I don’t really listen to anything Lauren says anymore tbh

I’ve avoided saying this all season but…Ben pronounces “women” as “woman” as if it’s the same word and it makes me cringe

Ben’s scripted voiceover tho lmao

Did they for real fly Ben’s parents down to Jamaica for this ish

Lauren’s two homes are Portland and Somewhere Beach, California. I can guarantee she did not *love* Warsaw

Ben’s mom: this is disturbing

Ur not wrong

Ben: Lauren has been waiting a long time for this

Production crew: yeah like 7 weeks

Lauren: I’m very much in love with Ben

Ben’s dad: ok.

Ben’s parents are kind of skeptical hard asses lmao this is amazing

Why have Lauren and Ben’s mom been holding hands for so long I’m uncomfortable

I really dig Ben’s mom’s use of the word “gals”

I’m intrigued that after those parental chats Lauren is confident in their marriage because frankly I am not

Ben’s mom likes Jojo more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Hmmm too much cuddle time????” the MOST mom comment ever

Jojo is KILLING the parent game 

Leader of Team Jojo (me) is feeling quite confident right now

It’s strange that Jojo just asked Ben if he’s at the point that he’s feeling like he’s ready to propose….knowing that he might mean to someone else

Why are you confused Ben they clearly like Jojo better

Lauren grabbed Ben’s face as he tried to turn away and it was awkward and bad

(Also Ben has said in interviews he can’t stand his face being touched)

Literally all Ben and Lauren talk about: “I love you” “I’m happy to see you” “You’re so cute” “How do you feel?” “*kiss*”

“I feel like he’s thinking about something and I don’t really know what” really? You don’t know what he might be thinking about?

Lauren is not deep enough to understand and support a guy like Ben

Ben just used 3 words to describe what he likes about Lauren that were all about her appearance

I feel like I can feel his frustration and confusion about Lauren through the screen

I would cry if a man ever told me I made them a better person I mean damn

“I want to lay on his shoulder and cry” that is probably not how you should be feeling right now

In all honesty though the physical interactions between Ben and Lauren (and Ben and Jojo) are probably the most real and emotional this show has ever seen

Note how Ben never says he feels 100% himself around Lauren

DAMN that kiss was with passion previously unknown to mankind

Jojo pls stop saying “babe” plsssss

“The blue hole” oh

Everything Jojo says is more realistic of an actual relationship while everything Lauren says is what you’d expect a high schooler to say

Jojo and Ben just look better together too

If he picks Lauren then love does not exist

Jojo seems like such a good girlfriend. She asks all the right questions that a truly understanding, caring, and supportive person would ask

YAS THE BEST FRIEND COMMENT! U KNOW IT’S LOVE!

“I need Ben to give me a sign that it’s me” ok well like that’s not how the finale works buddy

How did they all of a sudden end up on the bathroom floor

U can hide from the camera but you can’t run from the mic!!!!

Jojo saying she has to compete with other girls just broke my damn heart

Crying

Everything Jojo is saying is resonating so hard with me like ow my soul hurts

Ben is like “I can’t pick the ring based on her personality bc lol dunno who I’m marrying yet”

Yo that’s a Jojo ring my friends

Cool robe Lauren

OH MY GOD JOJO’S DRESS IS THE PERFECT DRESS TO GET ENGAGED IN

MY ADRENALINE IS PUMPING MORE THAN IT HAS IN 2 YEARS

I have goosebumps I am entirely too emotionally invested in this

WAIT THE FIRST ONE TO COME OUT IS ALWAYS THE LOSER WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT

HE DOESN’T LOOK HAPPY TO SEE HER

(The helicopter ride comment was funny I’ll give him that)

Alright love doesn’t exist

I’m so disappointed in Ben. You’re looking for all the wrong things in a woman and that’s why you’re the BACHELOR U FUCK UGH

Literally Ben the things you’re saying about Jojo as she leaves mean you SHOULD HAVE PICKED HER

What does “because that’s how much I love her” mean though?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Frankly if someone had interactions like this with someone else on the day they asked me to marry them I’d have to say no

Fuck you Ben I’m mad

I’m like checked out at this moment in time so I can't guarantee anything I post from here on out will matter

Why is she laughing

Do you think this is funny because I do not

Even their conversations as they’re getting engaged are literally just “omg I’m so lucky” “no I’M so lucky!!!!”

“I love you” “I love you” “We’re engaged” “We’re engaged!” 

This show has ruined my life

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Well, after investing entirely too many emotions in this show for 2 and a half months, what do I get in return? 

I guess it’s a good thing I never made it on this show because Ben clearly isn’t the man I thought he was…..if that doesn’t sound too dumb considering he’s a TV personality I’ve never met.

Really my intense disappointment I think stems from the fact that actually, Ben is just like any other guy. He picked the girl that he was more physically attracted to and could barely hold a conversation with over the girl who could clearly articulate her feelings for him beyond just “I love you, Ben!”

As I said many times above, it’s hard to take Ben and Lauren seriously when every conversation they have sounds like me and my first boyfriend when we were 14. It’s unfathomable that Ben, a previously assumed mature 26 year old, could actually evaluate what each of these women were offering him and still pick Lauren.

Additionally, as much as Ben made himself sound like he was ready and open and unafraid to find love, the things he said about Jojo as she was leaving made it sound like he was just too scared to be with Jojo. Think about it: if for the first time in your life someone so confidently told you how strongly they felt about you and asked you the sort of questions that require really honest self reflection, the way Jojo did (and Lauren didn’t), it would probably be sort of terrifying. In every way, Lauren was the safe choice. 

Hey if we’re being honest I felt like I was getting my heart broken on TV tonight (although thank god I wasn’t wow). Some of the things Jojo has said to Ben have been reminiscent of the kinds of conversations I’ve had to have in relationships before. Which is weird, honestly, because 1. I’ve never been “in love” to the point of wanting to marry someone and 2. Because when we watch reality TV we don’t expect to actually relate to people on reality TV!!!! As she cried about always having to compete with other girls, I think every girl in America inwardly (and many [me] outwardly) cried with her. In love and life, sometimes it really does feel like you’re in constant competition with other women, and it gets exhausting to constantly feel like you’re “losing”, too. Knowing that someone as cool and beautiful as Jojo shares this sentiment is both endearing and also, um, discouraging (if Jojo doesn’t feel good enough then I certainly don't either). And yes, there’s a strong possibility that not much of this was real, because it’s the Bachelor, but I felt like everything Jojo said was so raw. And if it was real, I’m proud of her for being as honest as she was. 

And that coolness, beauty, and honesty paid off, because ya girl’s the new Bachelorette!!!!! Jojo’s season will be so good and so entertaining. It’ll be like Kaitlyn’s season, only better, because Jojo isn’t annoying. I’m really excited to watch her go on this ~journey~ and I truly hope she ~finds love~. I’m happy to say I WILL be watching next season….even if you’re not a Jojo fan, we can all agree on one thing: at least Caila isn’t the next Bachelorette. Whew.

And with that ends the beautiful saga that was my love affair with Ben Higgins. This “journey” was really “incredible”….it feels like so long ago when the casting assistant gave me false hope by telling me I was perfect for the show. I still remember the slap in the face feeling when I found out there were 4 Laurens, 2 Lauren Bs, and 1 Lauren from Ann Arbor (sigh). I remember Lauren’s blue dress as she got out of the limo, I remember being able to smell the booze coming off of Lace’s breath through the TV, the rage I felt for Jubilee’s existence, and the Internet’s 3 week long obsession with Olivia’s mouth. Yes, I’ll remember it all fondly, but alas, it’s time to put this time in my life behind me. I’ll always cherish our time together, and I’ll continue to think of how lame I am every time I use my Bachelor pen from the casting call <3

Until next time. See you May 23!

The Bachelor: Women Tell All (3/7)

Long story short: I neglected a lot of homework while I was in Ireland, and now I’m continuing to ignore it in favor of watching this damn show, so my apologies for the lack of GIFs and fun stuff in this blog but ain't nobody got time for that tonight. True life: the Bachelor is ruining my GPA.

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A record number of people said they love him?? Seems like an average amount

I’m like pretty offended Ben has never walked into my house while I’m watching the Bachelor

I love that these men have fantasy leagues with draft board thingies on their wall

Omfg she brought her chicken

Who the fck is Izzy

Olivia’s hair looks so much better

Caila: WOW is he FINE!! HahA :)))))

Shut up Jami no one remembers you

Ben running shirtless oh wow oh my

I’m raging just seeing this Jubilee footage again

Worst quote of any Bachelor season ever? “Ben just wants a wife who will be friends with all the other soccer moms”

Emily/Haley watching herself talk about Olivia’s breath lol

Jennifer: Is she smirking
SAVAGE

Sheila the chicken pulling shenanigans tho

Audience robustly booing Leah, also SAVAGE

“Ok Jami you weren’t even there” yeah JAMI

I can’t stand Lauren from Ann Arbor’s Michigan accent….and I’m also from Michigan

Jami we’re only 21 minutes in and you’ve already used up all your time

Ok ok Amber and Jami have some validity on this race stuff

Amber and Jami: you criticized our identity as black women on multiple occasions

Jubilee: wow ok I am feeling very attacked right now

Shushanna’s English is a lot better all of a sudden

Jubilee shakily trying to defend herself is really transparent. Bish u got caught

Nope I’m already done with Jubilee’s act all over again

I forgot how lame Jubilee’s opening line was

Jubilee’s tattoos are bad but so is Ben’s so

Everything Jubilee says is REHEARSED

Chris Harrison: that worked
Key word…worked

“I know you wish you weren’t so complicated…” lmao I am done

Honestly who would take Jubilee serious as a sergeant 

I wish I was as drunk as Lace

“Like my tattoo says, you can’t love someone else until you love yourself” I hope to God it does not actually say this

Wait who would date Lace after this show

I’m not even laughing at this tattooed guy, I’m just weirded out

JUMPING FOR JOY LACE 4 BIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Olivia blacked out after walking out of the limo #wine

The twins’ reactions are the best part of this episode

Was Amanda being serious in saying “being a mom is my jam” or was she mocking Olivia? Unclear

That girl in the audience is me

“We like to read books and talk smart things too.”
COMMENT OF THE YEAR

Olivia: ok I only did what you asked me to stop doing 25% of the time after you asked

Olivia did u get bullied as a child for ur cankles

Caila is even more rehearsed than Jubilee

“I think the problem with Caila is she’s a huge nerd. But not like a smart nerd. So she’s just a loser.”
—Sarah Doyle

Caila: I think I’m just gonna go
Ben: you..SHOULD go…because I just kicked you off

First thing Ben discusses is this chicken

Does anyone else think Ben's tone with Caila is a bit frosty

Bye Leah *dismissed*

Jubilee…do less

So glad Amanda just mentioned Ben’s board shorts

BLOOPERS, amazing

I want a Ben for my own

Oh my god that bathroom conversation oooooo my god

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I’m 100% sure that I am 0% sure of who Ben is picking and it’s causing me a huge internal crisis and I can’t focus on real life

The Bachelor week 9 (2/29)

24 hours late but I’m watching this week’s episode!!! (Tbt to BIP when I watched all the episodes on Hulu the next day. Mems.)

Before you ask,
1. My flights were good. All flights are the same. Except the ones that get severely delayed or end up at the bottom of the ocean.
2. Yes, I’ve had beer here in Dublin. It is good.
3. Dublin is cool. It rains a lot. I haven’t taken many photos.
4. Shelby is good. I’m glad to see her <3

Ok now on to why we’re really here.

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I need them to stop using the word love in this preview bc my fragile heart can’t handle it

Ben uses the phrase “overnight dates” instead of “fantasy suites” lol

“Caila is so smiley all the time” yep that’s my main complaint with her too Ben

I cry when I see Lauren and Ben

I can only pray one day I’m as beautiful as Lauren

Caila is potentially the corniest contestant ever

How high up do you think Jojo ranks in the “worst home town dates in Bachelor history”

Lmao Ben climbing that wall just so he can awkwardly sit on it alone. I bet he did that on his own with no producer encouragement

Ben saying him and Caila’s relationship is the deepest of all 3. Interesting considering you’re 100% sending her home

“This is very Jurassic Park” shut up Caila

Do you think this Jamaican man rowing them down the river has any idea what’s going on

Caila is literally such a boring human

I’m not going to pretend that a restaurant in the middle of a river isn’t weird but I’m also not saying I wouldn’t get down on some jerk chicken after a long rowboat journey

This date is so forced

Sandals???? Is everything on this show a paid ad now?? IS NOTHING SACRED????

Those “mmm” noises Caila’s making while she kisses Ben can stop

“And that is……….that I’m in love with you!” CORNIEST OF ALL TIME

Caila: I mean Ben doesn't have to say he love me back bc I know he does
Caila: But like I kinda wish he said it back
Caila: *smiles*

I see you guys making out but I think we should all be slightly concerned by how close those fireworks appear to be to the window

Stop trying to make “I love you” happen, it’s not going to happen Caila

Oh yeah I totally wear knit tops in Jamaica too

THIS DATE IS LIKE “THE LAST SONG” OMG MUCH ROMANCE MANY TEARS

This turtle date is approximately 758 times cooler than whatever I just watched him and Caila do

Ben just prayed for the turtles omg RIP 2 me 

All of Ben and Lauren’s conversations consist of “I missed you” and “you’re an incredible woman”

Lauren’s outfit tho

“I wouldn’t have introduced you to my family if I wasn’t invested in you” well you probably would have, because you’re on a TV show that forced you to

I would totally use the fantasy suite time to talk all night with no cameras around, not to have sex

Ben's smile when Lauren says she loves him……ooooo god

Stop I’m crying all these feelings I don’t know what to do with

Wait hold on is it common for the Bachelor/ette to tell a contestant they love them before the finale?? I know Kaitlyn did, does everyone??

“There's like a bunch of horses in the water”

I want to go cliff jumping under waterfalls with Ben too

Both girls cry when Ben says he loves them back. I have so many emotions

Not a fan of Jojo’s use of the word “babe”

Ben has also exceeded all of my expectations

I just dozed off during their dinner date. Zzzzzz bored

This jacuzzi thing is sweet af. Almost as sweet as Ben’s tiny bathing suit

How do you think Caila will feel watching this episode where he tells the other girls he loves them multiple times when he chose to ignore her multiple times lmao

I would love it if Jojo stopped saying “words of affirmation”

I <3 Ben’s sleepy eyes

Ben: it’s so weird that I love two women
Ben: also weird that there’s actually three women here wow

Caila makes me want to drop a chainsaw on my face

(That was intense but she’s such a damn dope)

Ok I do feel bad for her having to hear this though

Nope her reaction just made me lose that sliver of sympathy

“I really did love you *sob*” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Jumping out of the car, classic move

Caila crying=whimpering puppy

There’s no tears coming out of her eyes 

If Caila is the next Bachelorette I am abandoning this show

Ok but what’s the point in even having this rose ceremony

Ben: hey I have 2 roses here
Ben: I wonder which of you will get them

Both Jojo and Lauren are banking on the fact that Ben told them he loves them…ha ha

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Again, a fairly predictable episode but I’m not complaining.

Caila is a cheese covered cornball incapable of real dialogue and gimmick-free dates.There was no doubt in my mind that Ben would not pick her over Lauren or Jojo, but I liked the twist of sending her home before she even got to the rose ceremony. It always feels so much more urgent, like “I can’t possibly allow you to stay in my presence any longer, please kindly get the fuck out of my mansion/hotel suite/private island.” I’m sure Caila will be fine though. I’m pretty sure a job as a Price is Right girl is calling her name.

When it comes down to the final two, I genuinely don’t care who he picks. I’ve been hoping all along he actually chooses no one at the end, but apparently Ben went on live TV today and told everyone’s engaged so I guess that’s shot. I’ve known Lauren and Jojo would be the final two since Las Vegas. I like both girls, and they both have their drawbacks as well. I’m just confused as to how he’s going to pick. He told them both he loves them and they seem to be on the same level as of right now. 

Personally, I think he should pick Jojo. I think he acts more genuine around her, and their relationship has actually grown much stronger throughout the weeks. Ben even said he’s head over heels for Lauren because he thinks she’s out of his league, and has been infatuated with her from day 1. I’m not saying that Bachelor relationships have a tendency to be long lasting, but I think him and Jojo at least have the potential to last longer than him and Lauren. That’s not to say I prefer Jojo over Lauren, I’m just speaking ~realistically~….a word not often heard on this show.

Next week is the best episode of every season: the Women Tell 

All. Hype af for some Lace highlight reels, attacks on Olivia, and serious questions hurled at Ben. Not so stoked for the return of Jubilee and subsequently the rage I feel for her existence.

See you all next week when I’m back on U.S. soil and Michigan snow…..ew.

The Bachelor week 8 (2/22)

I have so many things to do before I leave for Ireland on Friday (!!!!!!!) but I have zero motivation to do anything besides lie in bed and flip through “damn Daniel” memes on my phone.

Things I’m putting off to watch The Bachelor
—studying for 2 exams on Wednesday
—working on a group project my partner already thinks I’m slacking on
—working on another group project all 3 of us are slacking on
—working on a project worth half my grade I have to present as soon as we get back from break
—packing
—every other responsibility in my life

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Recipient of the Teen Mom comment + the Laguna Beach location ON The Bachelor is like reality TV inception

Ben is not ready to be a dad and I think everyone except Ben knows that

Is Ben crying within the first 5 minutes

Charli: absolutely do not touch me, peasant

I don’t hate Ben’s affinity for short shorts

Amanda what’s up with the gladiator sandals on your toddlers

Ben has the dopiest laugh I luv him

Where’d those flowers come from

When Ben pronounces it “seaGALs” :///

Hey Amanda’s parents, was Amanda ready to be a parent either

Shit my brother just called me and I’m simultaneously listening to him, the TV, and typing this with my left hand

How scared would you be if you were Ben and meeting 4 dads this week (dads only, a charmer like him is clearly not scared of moms)

Why is Ben the greatest kind of human

They’ve said like 3 different locations, where actually are they?? Portland, OR?

So Lauren “loves butter” but is the tiniest girl on the show/in history kk

WHISKEY LIBRARY??

Your drinks are both full, why would you leave now

Wtf Lauren has an 18 year old dog

I hate when people shorten “Lauren” to “Lolo.” I'm allowed to say that because my name is Lauren.

So Lauren’s parents are yuppies and no one is surprised

Lauren and her sister have the exact same voice

Me: he is not saying enough about Lauren omg
*sees he’s crying*
Me: OMG MORE THAN ENOUGH

Haven’t been single that long??? Uhhhh tell me more

“Ben is my person” idk don’t say that

Lauren’s dad is jealous of the other dads

Where’s her mom

Lauren’s dad has happy person eyes

Ben’s goodbye to Lauren was….odd

Caila doesn’t have any connection to her “hometown” so all she can say is good things about Warsaw

Caila: I know things about you!!! Like your favorite color!!!!!!

Caila talking to the camera about all the places she wants to make out with Ben is just NO

This is the weirdest date

Caila’s dad looks like he’s made of wax

Caila’s mom: have u ever met Filippino people
Ben: um

What the fuck is Caila’s dad

Does Caila’s mom have braces

Caila’s mom: what makes what’s between you and my daughter special
Ben: it’s been cool
Caila’s mom: ?
Ben: sex panther

Caila is definitely the kind of girl who still calls her parents mommy and daddy

Caila’s mom’s reaction to her saying she’s in love tho

If you didn’t believe me before this week that Caila is fake and corny I hope you do now

WAIT JOJO THINKS THIS IS FROM BEN? LOL

If that was me I’d whip those stupid flowers across the room

Uhhhh I think calling ur ex is NOT the right move, the right move is always ignoring ur shitty ass ex

SAY YOU’RE DONE WITH HIM

Ben, repeatedly: what’s wrong
Jojo, repeatedly: welcome to Dallas

Ben is already so insecure he doesn’t need another man in the picture to scare him

Thank you for calling him???? UMMMM no?????

Is this Jojo’s own house or what, this place is hella nice

Jojo’s “I love you” was weird and awkward

Stop kissing your sister that much

Jojo’s mom’s plastic surgery tho

People from Texas are so weird about Texas. Why are you pressuring Ben to move to Texas

Whose sweater is worse, Ben’s or Jojo’s brother’s?

Jojo’s brothers are the kind of guys who would start a bar fight

Am I terrified of Jojo’s brothers or their noses

What ethnicity is Jojo’s mom

What ethnicity are Jojo’s mom’s eyebrows

What is wrong with these guys? Do you guys want to date your sister??

Jojo’s brother: you can appreciate it from our brotherly perspective
Ben: I’m an only child so

Jojo’s mom standing in the glass doorway watching Ben and Jojo >>>>>>

Lauren you look v plain for such an important rose ceremony

Killer pocket square, Ben

WHAT? CAILA?

This music is like the music from Intervention

Tbh I think he wanted to send Caila home but it was the kids

She’s got a point about the rose ceremony

Watching Ben choke up hurts my soul

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With the exception of Jojo (?!?!?!), a fairly predictable episode.

I’m sad to see Amanda go, but it was fairly obvious from the get go that the kids situation was not going to work out. Although I think Ben really liked Amanda as a person, he knew it was unfair to let her go any further when deep down he knows the whole dad thing is just not the next step. Sad.

Lauren’s date was predictably predictable, too. Here’s the realization I’ve come to: I love Lauren, but I don’t know why. Is it the producer’s way of depicting her that has tricked me into being obsessed with her? How obvious it is that he likes her? Some combination of both? I’m not sure, but in truth, she’s kind of boring. She doesn’t have any stand out characteristics, or if she does, she hasn’t shown them on the show. She’s chill as hell and nice and genuine but…..is that really enough to be able to confidently say you love someone? Not really. 

As much as I don’t like Caila, even she has a more defined personality than Lauren. Frankly, I was too weirded out by her parents to focus on anything happening with Ben. Add in her creepy way of talking with her parents, their toy factory date, and the cheesy way every one of her expressions is played out for the camera, and I’m beyond done with her. If Caila makes it to the final 2, that will be the biggest plot twist of the season.

And if she doesn’t, Jojo’s ex boyfriend ~Chad~ will be the biggest plot twist. My jaw absolutely dropped during that whole scene. I’ve been in Jojo’s position, and it really is as frustrating and upsetting as she made it seem. Her reaction is what I would consider normal. What I personally don’t think is normal is to then call him. The best way to send the vibe that a bouquet of flowers means shit to you is to not bother acknowledging them. Was calling him the result of some goading by producers? Most likely, but I still find it to be the wrong move. As for Jojo’s brothers, HUH? If their goal was to make themselves look like assholes who have some weird fetish for their sister then congrats, you succeeded. While it’s understandable to be skeptical of how someone could possibly be in love with such little time with someone (they’re certainly not the only family members to express this sentiment on the hometown dates), they came off as grown ass frat bullies. I vote no on Jojo purely because who could deal with that family for in-laws????

Next week….FANTASY SUITES!!!!

Internally, I’m panicking because I’ll be abroad and unable to watch :( If the plot twist of the season DOES occur, I’ll be sooooo mad I wasn’t able to find out at the same time as everyone else. Other than that, I just hope the details of the episode can stay unspoiled until I get to see for myself..what fun is the format of this blog if I already know what happens? I’m not entirely sure when I’ll be able to watch next week’s episode or when the blog will be posted, so keep your eyes peeled!