The Bachelorette week 5 6/27

I can’t remember what I’ve done this week because my brain has melted from living in a 90 degree pit of Hell without AC.

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Why do I feel like Buenos Aires isn’t as romantic as everyone says

What a nice brown suit Chris Harrison

Lol I forgot Robby already said I love you

Jojo: what if I fall in love with 2 people just like Ben!!!!!
Chris: I would greatly enjoy that

Robby’s outfit is so unbelievably bad

Why do the guys periodically just yell “JOJO!” into the abyss? 

That date card is quite demanding knowing that Wells hasn’t kissed her

Jojo: HAHA THAT’S FUNNY ISN’T IT LUKE U ASSHAT

Why is it a bad thing that Wells hasn’t kissed her? That’s honestly kind of sweet

Aw Wells bought her a bracelet. I DOUBT THAT GUYS WHO HAVE KISSED HER WOULD’VE DONE THAT

America’s Next Top Model fans will recognize that pool thing

What the fuck is this date? It’s like they’re trying to set Wells up for failure

Alright well that kiss looked better than some of the other kisses I’ve seen on this show so suck it Luke

“You and I are probably pretty different” but you don’t know for sure because you don’t know her very well

Wells is the sweetest. Heart is melting

NOOOOO JOJO FEEL THE SPARK

I respect Wells for being a realist. Love is not a fairy tale in real life

I cried

Rt if you cried too

Fuck you Alex, you’re next anyway

When Jojo goes to the weird art rave date she was supposed to go to with Wells alone

Another terrible outfit from Robby

Alex why are you wearing a shitty zip up hoodie on a date 

“These are my boyfriends”

Jordan is that guy that takes things too seriously in gym class

I feel the same way about James Taylor that James Taylor feels about James Taylor

Jojo’s hand inching toward Luke’s dick

Luke is like a bad Clint Eastwood cowboy

Luke and Jojo on that bench are the closest thing to sex on camera that they’ve ever allowed on this show

Lmao when Derek laughs at Chase and Chase declares this “not funny”

Complaining about other contestants is a super big risk. Complaining about the Bachelor(ette)’s favorite contestant is almost never a good idea

Jordan: “Oh that altercation with James Taylor in which I was correct and James was not? Oh, that.”

Jordan getting aggressive AF in being confronted about being an entitled smug douchebag fuck boi

Alex looks dirty and unkempt

Robby: *laughs nervously* what is wrong o holy one

Alex is loving the drama and sipping the damn tea

The fact that this entire conversation is happening because of poker is hilarious

When Jojo gives the rose before even talking to Robby or Alex (on camera)

Chase aggressively cuts off Derek to get the hug first

Ugh I want Chase to look at me the way he looks at Jojo during this tango

There’s something really weird about Derek’s face idk

Derek said frickin’ twice in 6 seconds so he’s out

Are there people out there that look like Chase? Are they real? Can *I* date someone who looks like Chase???

I don’t want any of these guys to win 

Don’t pick Derek

Thx

I don’t like Derek but I mean she didn’t give any indication that things were not going well on the date and she also gave him zero explanation why he went home

“Is this Don’t Cry for Me Argentina?!?!”

—Emma

The scenes of Derek crying are uncomfortably long

Chase is quite literally exactly what my dream guy would look like. Personality would be different though

Jojo and Jordan would have beautiful brown eyed children whose names also start with “Jo”

Jordan just aggressively kisses Jojo abruptly to shut her up and I definitely hate that

Alex looks pale and nauseous

Alex’s head comes up to Robby’s Adam’s apple

That’s a VERY shiny suit, Chris Harrison

“What just happened?”

—Chris any time anything happens

Luke (group date), Chase (two on one), Robby, Alex, and James T ALL get roses. Wells and Derek were the only ones to leave earlier

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Do you feel like this blog was a little short? Me too. That's because the past couple episodes have been so boring I don't honestly have anything to say about them. I literally didn't even watch (or write anything down) about the group date because I'm bored to tears. Maybe if Jojo would stop giving time to guys who shouldn't be there then we'd have something worth watching (yes I know this is ironic given my love for Evan, bye).

Case in point: When the hell is Alex going home??????????????????

For real. All this dude is good for is talking shit. Not to mention he's far too short to be Jojo's type. I'm not saying I liked Derek in the slightest or that I thought Jojo would pick him in the end. But really? Alex over Derek? Next!

Given that all of America thought Alex and James were both going home until the last minute, I am pleased that it appears as though my final 4 prediction will be correct.

With that being said, let's get the show really started. Send Alex and James home, Jojo!

The Bachelorette week 4 (6/20)

Normally when I come home, it’s because I need a little escape and time with my dog. However, this time it’s because it was 80 degrees when I woke up in Ann Arbor and I don’t have air conditioning. AC is possibly the only good thing about this trip home, though, because 1) when I went to pick up Oliver, he ran away and refused to get into my car, 2) my mom is out of town, and 3) there are 3 almost empty bottles of wine in our fridge, all of which I can accurately estimate have been open for 6+ months. 

That’s not stopping me from drinking it, though. 

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James Taylor and his fucking guitar

Alright a protein powder ash spreading is amazing

These spliced in images of Chad whistling in the woods are TERRIFYING ME and I’m home alone, I can’t handle this

“Wassup, how was your date?”

—guy who just celebrated his absence by tossing protein powder in the wilderness

These guys are trying to reconcile with Chad on the off chance that he somehow was not actually sent home

“I’m sorry that you think gripping my hand like this is intimidating me”

Chad’s boyfriend Daniel is just silently eating mac and cheese on the outskirts of this scrum

I forgot Jojo and Alex were still on a date

Jojo is wearing heeled boots and is still shorter than Alex….how short is she?!?!

James Taylor needs to be sent home for wearing a button down with lime green athletic shorts. Among other things.

Who the hell let them light a firework-like object in the house

I’m not entirely sure what I’m watching between Chase and Jojo. Where did those come from

Can you imagine getting engaged a little more than 2.5 months after meeting someone? My relationship with this wine is older than that

Chase: Robby just kissed Jojo in front of all of us and now I’m not sure why I brought out inflatable balls

Am I the only one who would not really be attracted to someone writing a poem for me

I think Luke stepped right out of a Nicholas Sparks novel

I want Wells, Derek, and Evan to start their own pseudo-gang

Something about Jordan backing Jojo into a corner to aggressively kiss her was no bueno

So when are Jojo and Jordan having sex

“I hate him” makes me feel like she’s talking about her rose sending ex

Luke, Jordan, Alex, Derek, Robby, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinny, James T, and Evan receive roses. Daniel and James F are sent home.

I’m not going to lie if Jojo gave Vinny a rose and not Evan there would be hell to pay. Evan shall NOT go home before Vinny

“Obviously my personality is shit” 

Why Uruguay 

I have this theory that Robby wears makeup

When Jordan has swiped up all the roses available so far and still gets a one on one

I would like very much if my body looked like Jojo’s

I think Vinny’s hat should disqualify him from the competition

As well as Jordan’s seal impression

Remember when Bachelor(ette) contestants weren’t allowed to have access to current news sources or cell phones??? Me too

Although admittedly, the producers have been allowing them for the best possible reasons

JOJO MET JORDAN’S EX!?!?!?!? JUICY

The look on Jordan’s face when Jojo asked whether there was cheating makes me feel as though there was cheating

Idk if I believe anything Jordan says but I sure like looking at him

Why did she just take his jacket off in the middle of the street

I love when the producers get involved on camera

Jojo’s reaction to the magazine rumor is the same way I react when someone asks me some dumb shit about my exes too lol

This is just an ad for InTouch magazine

(Btw InTouch is a terrible publication that outed Caitlyn Jenner as trans before she announced it herself, don’t ever buy it)

Is anyone surprised Jordan and Robby are having a spa day

Hey guys you could’ve just gone to Sleeping Bear for this date

What do you do when it rains in Uruguay

The fact that Alex is always the first to call out some other guy makes me feel like maybe Alex is the shitty one

Of course Derek slid right in and got that rose

Everyone I know who watches this show loves Wells, dude must be into some weird shit or something if he’s still single

(Side note HUGE shout out to Zillow for using a Lumineers song in their ad)

DOG

Every date should have a dog, can we make that happen @producers

Isn’t Robby from Florida? And he knows this little Spanish?

This cliff date is so cute even though I think I’m afraid of cliffs

I’m also afraid of Robby saying I love you this early in

Chase and Alex are kind of pissing me off. Lil bullies

Robby’s story is making sad af

THIS IS TOO EARLY ROBBY. TOO. EARLY.

I love how Jojo doesn’t want to be like Ben and say it back so she just has to say thank you lol

I actually agree with Derek, they’re being catty little assholes

What does who has a rose and who doesn’t have anything to do with anything

Seriously am I missing something?? What did Derek do wrong?

I can’t help but feel Wells and Evan are going home and I am prematurely sad

Chase calm tf down you’re not going home

WHY IS ALEX ACTING LIKE DEREK CANCELED THE COCKTAIL PARTY

So in love with Jojo’s green dress

Jordan (one on one rose), Derek (group date rose), Luke, Chase, Alex, James, and Wells receive roses. Vinny, Evan, and Grant are going home :(

I AM DEVASTATED FOR EVAN

STOP THIS EVAN. JUST STOP IT

I don’t really feel bad for Grant or Vinny tbh

What did Jojo just say to Vinny as he left??

Just kidding I do feel bad for Vinny

Damn Jojo must be amazing for all 3 of these guys to be crying this week

OMG THE FINALE THIS SEASON IS GOING TO BE CRAY

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Damn is it just me or was this episode actually extremely boring?

Why does every episode have to be two hours if they're just going to jam it full of useless shit and two rose ceremonies??

Truly the only thing worth mentioning at this time is goodbye, Evan. You will be dearly missed and I will forever try to remove the heartbreaking scene of you crying how disappointed you are in yourself from my memory. </3

I really wanted to place my bet for the top 3 right now, but I just realized there’s a wild card in my deck….I can’t determine what place each ends up in yet, but I’m calling Jordan, Robby, Chase, and Luke as the final four. Pretty boys ftw.

One more thing: Bachelor in Paradise premieres August 2nd. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See you next week!

The Bachelorette week 3 part 2 (6/7)

Alright so last night I tried a new format for the blog and literally no one liked it, so we’re going back to the regular version. Don’t mess with perfection, right?

Anyway, here’s the ~dramatic conclusion~ of week 3 part 2!

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Daniel raises a legit question: would Chad be more mad if Chris sent him home or Jojo??

Evan has no idea what pushing Chad is talking about. Evan is a lover, not a pusher

Everyone has collectively decided just not to speak to Chad under any circumstances from now on

Side note: why are all the guys wearing weird necklaces? Was it arts and crafts day at the mansion? Is that the only way they can wear microphones when shirtless?? I really want it to be the first one

Jojo taking shots by the pool is me

This cocktail party is the best cocktail party ever

The synchronized dive from the guys was so precious

Words cannot describe how happy I am it was just a simple dive that made Evan bleed

WOW STRADDLING JORDAN IN THE BIKINI JOJO YAH *fire emoji*

There is so much caressing going on on this bench #sex

I feel similarly skeptical about Jordan, Jojo….dude is a little TOO hot and a little TOO charming. Quite suspicious

Where are all the other guys when Jojo and Jordan are making out on a bench?????

I want to see the flamingo pool floatie and swan floatie fight

Robby wearing a button up over his bathing suit. Doooooooouche

“Even Chad is having fun” the fact that you have to say that shows that HE IS NOT FUN TO BE AROUND

What is that neon green stuff Chad is always drinking? Bro juice?? The blood of people he has killed???

I applaud Jojo for constantly calling Chad out on his shit. Yas girl.

“You’ve got bleeding, crying, sensitive guy with kids” why is Chad acting like he’s never bled?? And since when is being a dad (aka impregnating a female) not masculine??

WHY is Chad listening to all the guys’ conversations? Go lift some weights

Derek: are you shaking my hand

Chad: not yet
Derek: ok

Derek calling out Chad’s misogynistic comments *heart flutters*

Why is Chad acting like it’s not possible to have a job and also watch TV

At the rose ceremony:

Chase (one on one), Evan (group date), James T (one on one), Grant, Derek (!!!), Jordan, Luke, Robby, Wells, James F, Vinny, Daniel (???), Alex, and Chad receive roses. Christian, Ali, and Nick are sent home. 14 guys remain!

What the HELL is up with this show and unique methods of air transportation

I’m confused by the choice of rural Pennsylvania as a romantic location but I’ll keep an open mind

Luke got a one on one card that includes the word “mush” and I would love if they were dog sledding

OMG they ARE dog sledding 

(PSA: I am not into racing dogs or having dogs pull me on a sled I just wanted to see the pups)

I just thought about all the wood my dad chops because our house is also heated by wood and I really wish I wasn’t thinking about my dad while watching The Bachelorette

I need to lose some weight so a dude can pick me up with one arm and lower me into a hot tub

Something about Luke’s voice is boring as hell 

Also you’re not supposed to drink alcohol in a hot tub, c’mon

Why are strawberries a sexy food? Questions

Why do they keep showing footage of a bear 0% of me believes a Bachelorette camera guy captured that footage

I’m not really into Luke but that little monologue is one of the best damn conversations I’ve ever heard on this stupid show

Also what is with this show and forcing the contestants onstage with country bands? Wtf?

Hey so I’m really incredibly pissed off to see Ben Rapistberger on my favorite TV show right now. Get the fuck out

Omg look at Evan trying so hard, omg my heart :(

James T is just bleeding down his damn face, this is some ignorance

The only way Chad can think of to get someone to shut their mouth is to hit their mouth. Huh.

So far tonight Chad has blamed Evan, Derek, and Alex as the singular reason for his problems

Good luck Evan!!!! Try your hardest!!! (But don’t get hurt pls)

Wait Evan actually did a good job!!!! And Derek too!!!! #PROUD

Excuse me Chase?? Talking shit about Evan is the quickest way to NO LONGER BE MY FAVORITE

Why do I love Robby? I would probably date Robby

(Yes I’m aware I called Robby a douche a few lines up, leave me alone)

Scale of 1 to 10 how immature am I for laughing out loud when Jojo said “There’s something in Robby that could blow me away”

Jordan and Jojo’s physical chemistry is bomb

Jojo: I can’t really read you
Jordan: *rubs leg*

Jojo: ok pls accept this rose

I never condone violence but I would be so satisfied seeing Alex beat the shit out of Chad

I want to know what happened to Chad as a child that made him so Chad

Chad: Jordan, you think this is a show
….is that not what I’m currently watching on my television

When the house is dead ass silence and Chad symbolically sits in a chair behind the couch that every single guy is currently sitting on

Alex looks cute. Bring it home buddy!!!!

I would 100% trust Alex in the wilderness more than Chad

Hey remember when Chad made fun of everyone for talking about their feelings too quickly? Remember how Chad just said him and Jojo’s relationship was beyond everyone else’s currently?? :-)

This is a terrible fucking date lol neither of these guys are exactly conversationalists and then you consider the Battle of Chad

When Chad says if he doesn’t get the rose he’ll be taking Alex’s teeth home…Chad would totally murder someone if he didn’t get his way (like if a woman rejected him…………)

I’m sad for Alex that his time with Jojo had to be spent talking about Chad :(

Jojo confronting Chad head on gives me LIFE. What a badass rational lady

Sad that the first time Jojo cries this season is over CHAD

When Chad whistles you know something scary is about to happen

Laying on a blanket on a rock can’t possibly be very comfortable

Bets that the thermos is full of whiskey??

Chad: have a glass of milk

Alex: no I don’t like milk

Chad: well it’s delicious

CAN YOU IMAGINE CHAD INTERACTING WITH JOJO’S BROTHERS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

My favorite part of this show is when the security guys come and take the suitcase of the loser of the 2 on ones and all the people back at the house pop a bottle of champagne when they see whose luggage it is. I want to do that next time I remove someone toxic from my life

Literally what is Chad doing? He’s supposed to be stranded in the wilderness crying. That’s what happens to the reject of the 2 on 1

I am well aware that Chad running his fingers down the door was staged but holy hell I am terrified regardless

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One word: CHAD.

(Fun fact: his name appears 35 times in this post.)

That’s literally all I have to say.

See y’all in 2 weeks.

The Bachelorette week 3 part 1 (6/6)

Hey friends, happy Bachelorette Monday! This week I decided to switch up the format of the blog a little bit. Although a lot of you have expressed that you like the “live tweet” format of the blog (that’s why you’re reading this, right?), I personally don’t really find it fun to read anymore. Not to mention it’s an extremely lazy way of writing….I pretty much just write whatever comes to mind and it’s not very reader friendly. So we’re going to try something new and it’ll hopefully work out better for both those who read right after the episode and those who read as they watch it on Hulu the next day. I’m not sure how this is going to go yet, so bear with me while I work the kinks out—if this week sucks, next week will be better!

So here we go, week 3 of the Bachelorette!

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The mansion is TP’d, there are empty alcohol bottles and meat plates (#Chad) everywhere, and guys are sleeping in various places throughout the house. Sort of like your stereotypical idea of a frat house except with nicer alcohol and meat plates. The guys recap the events of Chad’s carnivorous antics at the cocktail party the night before while Chad and Vampire Daniel get all brotein, counting calories and grunting and shit. Normally framing male friendships as gay irritates me but it’s pretty clear Daniel has a crush on Chad so this one is ok. 

This week there are 2 one on ones and 1 group date. The first date card says, “Chase—let’s get physical.” 2 words I like hearing in the same sentence: Chase and physical. Dude is by far the hottest guy on this season in my humble opinion. An overly confident Chad does not understand why his name wasn’t on the card. I’m beginning to question whether or not he understands the point of this show.

Jojo and Chase show up to a yoga studio where an instructor with a 4 syllable first name awaits them. After asking them how long they’ve been intimate, it becomes clear this is going to be pretty much exactly like the “yoga” date Carly went on during Chris’ season where they moaned a lot. The writers must be running out of date ideas (but can you blame them?? This is like the 1200th date they’ve had to plan). The instructor directs them to thrust their pelvises while they shout “hey” and have something called angergasms. Who’s more uncomfortable: Chase and Jojo, or me, Amanda, and Emma? But once they begin their partner work, the mood changes. Chase looks hot af in those little spandex shorts and Jojo is so cute with her little high ponytail and yoga outfit. Their sort of mount each other so that their “hearts are aligned” and there are breathing exercises and eye contact. Of course they start making out and it’s ~intimate~ and really hot. I wanted to believe this was all spontaneous and partner yoga can bring out all these sexy feels but it turns out the instructors aren’t even in the room at this time. It was staged. I am hurt.

During the cocktail part of the date, Chase says this date was perfect for him, which I find weirdly attractive (I don’t even do yoga, why do I like this so much???) He then goes on to talk about his parents divorce and how he believes marriage is forever so it’s, like, rly important. At one point he uses the phrase, “If there’s enough love to overcome that fear, why not [get engaged]?” which is cheesy as hell, but so is this entire show and I’m still here, so whatever. This dude slays, so he obviously snags rose as Jojo reveals there’s one last surprise for the date. It’s a private concert in the yard by some dude named Charles Kelly. Chase says he feels “completed,” Jojo says she feels “connected to Chase,” and they both say it’s the “start of something.” *cue High School Musical song*

Back at the house, the group date card reads, “Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F, Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, & Chad—Love has no secrets.” As Chad bitches that he doesn’t even want to go on the date, it compels Jordan to explain that this is literally how the show works and tells him Jojo probably doesn’t even want to spend the whole day with him. Burn, dude. The other guys try to chime in for Chad to shut the fuck up, but when Jordan insults Chad’s intelligence (something about how luckily the date isn’t a spelling date—Chad definitely seems like the type of guy to use the wrong “your”), Chad attacks Jordan as a 27 year old failed football player. Sad, but true. Alex attempts to shut down the situation by telling the group it’s clear there’s a “solid piece of shit” in the room, and gives a little “SMDH” to Chad when he challenges him to a duel. Not actually, but he did ask him if he wants to fight. I’m glad Chad feels like a confident beefcake but I probably wouldn’t take on Alex if I were him. He might be short but he’s a beefy military dude—I am 100% more confident in Alex’s physical capabilities than Chad’s, whose only physical activity appears to be picking things up and putting them down. 

The limo conversation on the way to the group date is dominated by fears that Alex and Chad might get a bit feisty. Evan, on the other hand, just looks positively giddy to be there. Aw. The group walks into a theater, where a woman onstage breathes heavily into a microphone and explains that she just orgasmed. ??????? They’re at a sex comedy show, and the guys will be today’s performers. This date is very Kaitlyn-esque. As the guys prepare their performances, alcohol is flowing and there are mixed emotions. Jordan is uneasy because he apparently doesn’t even tell his closest friends about his sex experiences (does anyone believe this???). Unable to enjoy anything in any form, Chad refuses to talk about sex because it’s “none of Jojo’s business.” Alrighty, we’re all just going to assume you suck in bed. Feeling mischievous, Evan reveals his story won’t actually be about a personal experience, but a joke at Chad’s expense. The guys are glad someone decided to call him out, but everyone, especially me, is terrified of how Chad will respond.

The guys’ stories are actually pretty funny. Apparently Grant got arrested mid-losing his virginity, someone farted during a threesome with Wells, and Daniel tied up a girl and cut off some of her hair with a pocket knife (more evidence that he’s a vampire). As an erectile dysfunction specialist, Evan’s story is a “cautionary tale” about the dangers of using steroids….uh oh. Sure, it’s ballsy of Evan to call out Chad’s hyper-masculinity, but is this really the best opportunity?? If I were Jojo I probably wouldn’t appreciate someone using this time to make fun of another contestant. As Evan makes his way back to his seat, Chad grabs him by the back of his shirt as he makes his way to the stage!!!!!!!!!!!!! Danger is afoot! When Chad asks Jojo to join him onstage, I can’t help but feel like he’s going to simulate sex on her. Instead, all he did was try to kiss her, but she TURNED HER HEAD. Chad gets Jojo’s cheek and embarrasses himself further by throwing the microphone across the stage. Rejection: feels bad, man.

Chad displays his manliness by punching a door backstage, while Alex and Evan show their manliness by chest bumping (do guys do this? I thought only elementary age boys did this. Need further clarification.) When Chad attempts to choke Evan, the rest of the guys come to his defense and tell Chad to brush off the joke. Unwilling to laugh at literally anything much less himself, Chad and his bleeding knuckles ACTUALLY SAY OUTLOUD, “If I don’t lift some weights right now I’m gonna murder someone.” L O FUCKING L.

They then take the date to what looks like an antique store (idk it’s never explained why they’re there). Jordan reveals to Jojo that she has been the best part of waking up lately, which is utterly unsurprising considering he currently lives with Chad in a meat plate palace. He also admits he’s only said “I love you” to one person, which is endearing. Still on Team Jordan. Seconds after James F sits down to talk to Jojo, Chad attempts to interrupt, but Jojo is having none of that. She actually asks him to go away and wait. You go, girl. Being the cocky bastard he is, Chad decides to “go away” to across the room, where James and Jojo know he is still listening. At this point, I feel as though Jojo should be fearful of psychotic Chad but hey, that’s just me. After Vinny in all seriousness asks how Chad thinks his performance went, Chad says pulling on Evan’s shirt was only because Evan pushed him and attempted to block him from getting onstage…..because everyone in the room didn’t witness it entirely differently. Ooookay. Hours after Chad threatened his life, Evan decides this is a good time to ask him why he’s here and ask for an apology as well as a new shirt. Sigh. Evan, look, I’m trying really hard to root for you here, but you’re not doing yourself any favors. That darn liquid courage! 

When it’s finally Chad’s turn to talk to Jojo, they spend their entire time talking about Evan. Jojo playfully suggest Chad stops bullying Evan and gives him the benefit of the doubt. Evan is STRESSING OUT about the conversation he is about to have with Jojo—he drops the bomb that if Chad remains in the running, he will be leaving the show. Although I understand Evan’s intentions, this ambush is kind of unfair to Jojo. At this point she still has not idea how bad the blood between the two guys is and honestly, she has no reason to take what Evan says as the truth. What has happened between Evan and Jojo to make her immediately kick off anyone Evan says she should? A risky move on my boi Evan’s part.

After returning to the group to hand out the group date rose, Jojo asks to speak privately with Evan, which everyone knows is code for being sent home early. Things don’t look good at first, but shockingly, all she did was take his feelings about Chad being there into consideration and ask him to please accept the group date rose anyway. They kiss (initiated by her!) and his smile is so bright and genuine. My heart has melted. (Look, I know Evan will not win but this is ADORABLE. Leave me alone.) The pair returns to the group and Chad has this stupid dumbfounded look on his face that prompts Jojo to ask, “U ok??” Chad has to audacity to ask if Jojo SERIOUSLY gave Evan the rose. Jojo has the balls to fire back that she doesn’t appreciate the disrespect to her and Evan. Hell yeah Jojo, tell him like it is—this is your show and you can date whoever you fucking want! Except Chad. Send his ass home.

The next date card reads, “James T—let’s kick it old school.” The little blue vintage car makes another appearance as a 50s clad Jojo and James pull up to an empty building where a little old couple is dancing. Jean, the dance instructor, looks like old Rose in Titanic. Precious. The couple starts their swing dance lesson and it becomes clear they’re both terrible dancers. Jean describes the chemistry between the two, which must’ve been edited out, because I saw none. Outside, the streets are filled with couples swing dancing like a scene from a musical. They try to join, but can’t, because everyone but them are professional dancers. Later, they share a suspicious thermos in the back of the car and Jojo describes how she’s unsure she’s attracted to James. Romantic! Somehow him describing that he feels insecure about girls must’ve sparked something, because she gives him the one on one rose anyway. James then pulls out a guitar and sings a song about how Ben picked Lauren over Jojo. Um, ok. They finally kiss after an absurd amount of hugging.

Back at the house, Derek expresses feeling scared to be Chad’s roommate. Probably smells pretty meaty in there. A security guard has been hired to watch Chad, which begs the question why is this ding dong still allowed here??? Daniel tries to reason with his boyfriend Chad, who is biting directly into a whole sweet potato (I couldn’t make this up if I tried). Daniel tries and fails to politely ask him to maybe go from being Hitler to Mussolini. Huh. Something to ponder there. Alas, this chat is interrupted when Chris Harrison arrives to ruin everyone’s day and announce that Jojo has canceled the night’s cocktail party…..in favor of a POOL COCKTAIL PARTY! Amazing.

In an ~unprecedented~ move, Evan attempts to make Chris Harrison the mediator in the Battle of Chad. I appreciate Evan’s sincerity in wanting to eliminate this situation, but I fear it will only exacerbate it. Maybe Evan should just quietly leave it alone. Instead of doing literally anything at all, Chris tells Chad to go inside and solve the problem…..but Chad’s voiceover frighteningly says his idea of solving it would be CUTTING OFF EVERYONE’S LEGS AND ARMS AND THROWING THEM IN THE POOL.

The episode ends with a dramatic “To be continued” but according to the preview, Chad does not, um, solve the problem: apparently both Evan and James T are bleeding.

No rose ceremony tonight, but Chase, Evan, and James T have all already received their roses.

See you all tomorrow for the “dramatic conclusion” of week 3!