The Bachelorette finale 8/1

I’m moving out this week and therefore have no groceries, but I have rosé and BIP tomorrow so really what more could I need????

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Wtf how can this possibly be 3 hours I’ve got other shit to do with my life c’mon

How do you get Chris Harrison’s job? I want that job

Ew who the hell invited Ben and Lauren

Can we just skip tonight and go straight to tomorrow??????

I don’t think that when she’s with Jordan she’s thinking of Robby, I think it’s only the other way around lol

Jojo’s mom’s face tho

When Jordan walks into the house and says “Whazzzup!!!!” ://////

“We’re gonna put these hats on really briefly, we’re gonna laugh at each other, then we’re gonna be done” wow scheduled fun, that sounds great buddy

Jordan is literally so fake omg I can’t watch this

Moms always know a player when they see one. They may be moms but they were once our age dating fuck boys too!!!!!!

I want to see Jojo’s brothers rip both Jordan and Robby to shreds

If you have to yell “IT WENT SO GOOD!!!!” as someone is driving away I just feel like it didn’t actually go that well

Robby seems more genuine than Jordan when he speaks but is also much scarier looking than Jordan so idk who would be better to introduce to your parents. Probably neither

Robby just named the number one difference between him and Jordan: he’s willing to build his life around Jojo 

YES ROBBY, including her mom in asking for permission is 10000000% the right choice and fuck Jordan for only considering asking her dad…..moms are just as, if not MORE, IMPORTANT!!!

Yesssssss Jojo’s mom is mad too that Jordan didn’t feel it was necessary to ask her. Glad I’m not the only one unreasonably upset

Jojo is definitely spoiled af

Did Robby just call her Jo? No

“Every moment spent with Jojo makes me fall in love more with her” seriously what kind of sentence structure is that 

Obviously there’s a dog in your future otherwise your ass would not have gotten this far

I would NOT want Robby as my dad

That was kind of an inappropriate way to be kissing on a public beach

Where’s Jordan lol

I wish I liked Robby. This would all feel a lot more romantic and exciting if I did

What where did those photos come from

Can’t tell if Robby’s pants are khaki or yellow but either way they’re bad

Honestly though, it must be kind of weird to repeatedly tell someone you love them for several weeks and they don’t say it back 

The only thing I truly want from this season is to hear what actually happened between Jordan and Aaron

I’m tired of Jordan greeting people with “what’s up”

Jojo: did you think you’d be here?

Jordan: I mean no

Jojo: really?
Jordan: I mean, like, after the first 2 dates, yeah

Husband material

I just have a feeling Jordan has a small dick idk

Watching Jordan squirm while trying to lie his way out of this convo about Jojo’s dad is everything

Jojo nailed it, Jordan doesn’t want to express his feelings until she does first because his feelings are NOT. REAL. He just says whatever he thinks he’s supposed to

Third time in one episode Jordan has greeted someone with “what’s up”

Andddddd just like that Jordan’s somehow in the lead again

It’s almost as if Chris Harrison is simply not capable of just saying “Jordan’s brother Aaron” and only “Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers”

This show makes me wonder what kind of ring I want someday. Probably no ring #singleladies

Sorry Jordan but I think it’s a little too late for this over the phone shit

Jordan’s nails look manicured

This note doesn’t make me like Jordan more

Ooooooo shit Jojo was gonna pick Robby until that note

I’m just saying you can tell Robby’s intentions are better because his language is more centered around Jojo than himself. UNLIKE JORDAN

You knew it was Robby before you saw his face because you saw his absurdly tan hands

I’m not surprised. Just disappointed.

Honestly Jojo is terrible

Jordan doesn’t even want this. He just wants to win. He’s like Donald Trump

“At least Robby is now free to date other men”—Katie

Everyone knew Jojo would pick Jordan from the very first episode sooooooo this season is just no

“It’s something that, as a man, I’ve thought about all my life” ok? So women don’t think of this moment for their entire lives? Wut

Jordan said like 50% of what Robby did with less emotion lol

I have literally never been happy with the outcome of this show, why do I still watch

You know what, I’m cutting this blog short. No point in blogging After the Final Rose

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I get it, but I also don’t. 

I think that everyone has been in a situation where they’re somewhat torn between two people…or at least I have lol. One is clearly, in every way, a better, more sensible choice, but something draws you to the garbage person anyway. It seems romantic to pick the one your heart inexplicably wants, but it literally never works out well, except in The Notebook. And remember the ending of that? IS THAT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT??

If Jojo truly was serious about finding a husband and a forever love, she a) wouldn’t be on this stupid show, but b) undoubtedly wouldn’t have chosen Jordan. Let me list all the reasons why

—he’s unable to articulate his feelings for her

—he’s unable give serious, well thought out answers to questions about their future

—he’s unable to to confirm he’s 100% committed forever, not just right now

—he didn’t have a damn job during filming

—HER FAMILY DIDN’T LIKE HIM THAT MUCH

—everyone in the entire country, including her parents, distrusts him

—seems like he would be reluctant to go down on a girl (I’m just saying)

—has some sort of weird inferiority complex family drama

—constantly talks about himself in conversations that should either be about her or them as a unit

—definitely has a more expensive wardrobe than me

—is that kid who took gym class too seriously

—is a man child/fuck boy

THE LIST GOES ON AND ON.

Obviously a natural chemistry and physical attraction are important in a relationship, but that’s really only one component. I feel like even at my age (and the people on this show are older!!!!), I’ve noticed that relationships often don’t come out of the pairing of the two most attractive people. At some point it’s not about dating the hottest guy (cuz sometimes they’re dumber than a box of rocks and you have nothing in common), but the one who truly cares for who you are ~on the inside~, supports you, and offers you everything you’re looking for. 

Jordan brings literally none of that to the table, but hey, at least he’s pretty and a former pro athlete, right, Jojo?????? I think this relationship is a total fail, but that’s just me. After the Final Rose still has 20 minutes left and I’m already over this season.

So…..if I’m being honest, I don’t know how much longer I will continue blogging about the Bachelor franchise. It’s actually fairly time consuming, and sometimes I want to just chill out with my friends and a glass of wine when I watch, not with my laptop. I’ve actually turned down plans before, even taken Monday nights off my work availability, to watch The Bachelor, which is super ridiculously lame. Plus, as we’ve noted the past two seasons, the show is beyond predictable and sometimes not even entertaining. Watching sometimes feels like an obligation.

Luckily for you, however, Bachelor in Paradise, is, and I quote, the best show on television. Don’t fight me on this. [End quote.] So, after grappling with this decision all day (I think this show has made me more dramatic when choosing between two options???), I have decided I will continue blogging at least through this season of BIP. Though BIP draws in significantly fewer readers than The Bachelor (lol), I personally think it’s so much more fun to write about because it’s so damn ridiculous, it’s hard to keep my thoughts to myself…hehe.

And with that being said, see you tomorrow ;)

The Bachelorette week 7 7/25

I wish I was lying when I said I have been thinking about this episode for 7 days straight so u could say I’m excited

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I have no idea who she’s sending home and clearly neither does she

Robby’s feeling nervous now because he was banking on Luke going home lmao

I hate Luke. Just in case u forgot

Hey Jordan got the first rose is literally anyone surprised at all

OH SHIT ROBBY GOT THE SECOND ROSE

SAVE CHASE

MAKE LUKE GO HOME LIKE U ORIGINALLY WANTED JOJO

YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

This feels difficult

“This, like, is not supposed to be happening”

Once again Luke proves he has poor communication skills but we already knew that because cowboy

“I was in love with her but never got the chance to love her” someone’s salty about missing out on the fantasy suites

Robby, Jordan, and Chase feel like the last 3 people who would fit in in Thailand

How can you just sit and talk romantically to one another when there’s a little Thai lady rubbing your feet

Do you think every Bachelor(ette) sleeps with everyone during fantasy suites?????

How did Robby’s dad sneak a note into his pants lmao what

“There’s a way that he looks at me that makes me feel like I know what he’s saying is true” weird because I get the opposite feeling

I don’t think having a romantic evening with 3 guys will give her any more clarity

Hello can I have Jojo’s body thx

This cave date is cool af

“I already know what my physical chemistry is with Jordan” she rly can’t wait for the suite later

Ever since I saw that Buzzfeed post I can’t stop thinking about Jordan as fancy asparagus from Veggie Tales

Jojo is so pretty in that white top omg

Jordan has repeatedly said that the only thing that matters is talking to Jojo’s dad….um…did you not see her brothers last season or

Also arguably your girlfriend’s mom’s opinion about you is actually more important that her dad’s opinion but ok

Jordan: I can be wherever right now

Translation: I don’t have a job

Jordan: I’m a different person than I was in the past when I thought I was in love

Translation: I’m a fuckboy

Every time Jojo brings up a fear about Robby or Jordan, neither of them do anything to reassure her and yet she still ends up acting like they did???

“We took a big step last night in a really exciting direction *wiggles eyebrows*” I’m uncomfortable

“It’s scary to think I’m in love with two people right now” excuse me what about Chase

I feel like Jojo might be a slave to the dick. No shame

I don’t know why but I laughed out loud when Chase kissed the fish

Is it weird that I’m more attracted to Chase’s body than Jordan’s idk

Jojo has perfect hair. My hair looks like that in my dreams

Why is Robby ruining Chase’s day

I’m mad

“Country clubs and coloring books” ???? ew

Am I crazy? Chase is the most genuine guy on here, right? For acting like a normal person does in a new relationship and not like a rom-com?

Wait I thought Chase had already said I love you

The things Robby and Jordan say nauseate me but I would actually enjoy hearing the things Chase says to Jojo

WTF IS JOJO GONNA KICK HIM OFF BEFORE THE SEX

Omg I feel so bad for Chase

This is really so awkward

I feel equally bad for both of them actually because she clearly feels terrible and he’s being kind of an ass

Chase opening a beer as he gets in the car is ME AF

I JUST GASPED SO FUCKING HARD AT THE PREVIEW OF THE ROSE CEREMONY

Robby whisper-greeted Jordan like you do in church before mass starts

Chase saying allllllll the right things right now, this is amazing

“When did falling in love become so hard???” when u date 25 people at once

Chase’s beard game is so much better than Jordan and Robby’s. Just saying.

9 times out of 10 Jojo gives the first rose of the ceremony to Jordan so I think we know who’s winning

Like do I even need to watch the finale

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Honestly, I hate myself for knowing this would happen for the past 4 weeks or so.

Also: call me, Chase.

(Oh and btw, I won’t be blogging tomorrow’s Men Tell All episode not only because I’ll be at a concert, but because no one reads those anyway. See you for the finale!)

The Bachelorette week 6 7/18

HOMETOWNS HOMETOWNS HOMETOWNS HOMETOWNS HOMETOWNS

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Omg Chase is so much cuter in Colorado

Poor Chase and his broken family

I actually love this little mountain date

AND HIS HOUSE WOW

Wow Chase you can’t raise children in a house that has a staircase without railings!!!!

I’m incredibly attracted to Chase’s face

Why is Chase’s mom wearing a hoodie, this is a bigger occasion than that

OH MY GOD CHASE’S FAMILY HAS A BULLDOG THIS IS MY DREAMMMMMMMM

Why are Chase and Jojo being so much cuter this episode than they ever have been wow

I’m not saying divorce doesn't have a profound impact on kids but they might be making a bigger deal about this than it should be

Everything Chase’s mom is praising Jojo about are qualities I possess so sign me up for that when Jojo picks Jordan

TEARS I HAVE TEARS BC HE HAS TEARS

Why does this feel so real?? This is the Bachelorette

Jordan definitely peaked in high school

Why does Jordan always push Jojo against walls to kiss her?? Her head just hit that library shelf so hard and he had no care about her comfort, what an ass

No Jordan, she’s not the first to meet your family, your ex was. You literally just said that

Jordan’s brother’s girlfriend’s hair: why

Wtf happened with Aaron, someone please spill

Jordan’s dad looks dead

They keep saying how Jordan has “accomplished everything” he has on his own but I’m not sure what they’re referring to

Jordan’s mom just said “destiny” and idk

Jojo: “if” we end up together at the end of this *wink wink*

Robby lookin like a Ken doll per usual

Where the fuck does Robby live that it looks like that

Are they drinking Long Islands 

I don’t believe anything Robby says

Who the fuck calls their dad Coach

“I can’t wait to see her interact with my family because that’s attractive to me” is that some sort of fetish

Why are they drinking out of large tacky cups

Robby’s face is one of pure terror rn

I feel like moms always say “I can tell how much my son/daughter likes you” and it’s just like can u really though

“We had a BLOW UP FIGHT and she SLAPPED me. The relationship is OVER and I will never speak to her AGAIN. PERIOD.” Ok drama

Literally how did Robby save that 

I hate Luke so much

Your family and FIFTY friends????? That is so rude

Why do people from Texas have such strong feelings about Texas? @Liza help me out here

The fact that we’ve been talking throughout the entirety of this date is a testament to how much I don't care about Luke

How is Jojo going to pick between these guys

Why is this music playing? Why did he set up a proposal scene just to say I love you? Why did they spend so much time on Luke? Why do I hate Luke so much? I have so many questions

Shit, 17 minutes left+ 1 commercial break+ confessionals+ a freak out at the rose ceremony….they’re totally going to end this in a to be continued

Can I just say it’s a little dramatic to have the rose ceremony literally at the airport ok

Chase is so fine mmm

Sarah just hissed at the screen with her would be claws up when Luke came on the screen so I think that shows how we feel about him

Robby needs to go (even though I hate Luke)

Excuse me wut

I really don’t think that’s fair to the other contestants to tell her you love her DURING the rose ceremony

Actually in reality Jordan needs to go but I think we know that’s not happening

I feel kind of bad she’s wandering around an airport crying with nowhere to even sit

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I’m really confused????

Personally I think Robby needs to go home. His story is just a little too sketchy to be believed. Plus he said I love you in like week 4. Plus he’s obviously gay.

But what’s going on with Luke? I thought her and Luke’s date went fine, then she goes and says she doesn’t want to send him home, then he INTERRUPTS THE ROSE CEREMONY to change her mind and it seems to work? WHAT?

This is really irritating to me. I’m sure if all the other guys could get a moment with Jojo DURING THE CEREMONY to reiterate that they love her, they all would. That was an unfair advantage and primed her before going in to choose. I understand that Luke probably would’ve regretted not telling Jojo he loves her if he had been the one to go home, but he had an entire day with her to do so, so I don’t feel bad. Fuck you, Luke. That wasn’t romantic of you, it was shitty and selfish.

But I’m also surprised she was going to send him home?!? I always said Jojo was at least going to let Luke get to the final 3 so she could have sex with him in the fantasy suite. Trashy but true. I’m a bit confused how when weighing her options between Robby and Luke, Robby came out on top. How did he redeem himself in that conversation in the bedroom?!?! I personally don’t think he said anything that could do that much to reassure Jojo. I know Luke didn’t say I love you during his date, but I’d rather have a guy say it later (and let’s be honest, for a normal relationship, it’s still WAY TOO EARLY) than as early as Robby did. 

And in the grand scheme of things, Jordan’s general sketchiness should disqualify him, too.

Who would’ve thought my man Chase would’ve come out this week not only in the best standing but showing the most emotion too?!?! Cheers to that!

See you next week for the final 3 and the Men Tell All!

The Bachelorette week 5 7/11

Q: Am I emotional after being reunited with The Bachelorette after 2 weeks, or because we’re one week closer to Bachelor in Paradise?

A: Both

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Remember how Jojo was supposed to send Alex and James Taylor home but didn’t

I also feel really unsure and confused about your hair+plaid hoodie combo, Alex

Really disappointed this episode is starting with a one on one with Alex. Two thumbs down

The guys should always have a guy date while the others are on the actual date

Except the guy dates should always exclude musical numbers, I’m fucking sick of this season

Eating junk food in the back of a car is hella romantic

Wow this one on one thus far in the car is absolutely cringeworthy, Alex is terrible

Alright I’m going to be honest and say I did not know gauchos were more than a type of hideous pant

Old man: I did not choose the gaucho life, the gaucho life chose me

What the FUCK is that hat

He looks more Shakespeare than gaucho

^me acting like I know what gauchos look like after I just said I didn’t know what a gaucho was

They’re eating cow intestines !!! @madisonvanepps

Jordan just looks like a picky eater. Like a mom still cuts the crust off his sandwich little bitch boy

Horses are not romantic to me, horses are terrifying and could easily kill u

I’m uncomfortable with how Alex is sitting on that horse

What is this man doing to this horse, I want this to stop

This is not beautiful, it looks like the beginning of horse rape

Jojo is enjoying cuddling the horse much more than she’s enjoying the presence of Alex

I could not cuddle as many guys as Jojo does in this show

Sure Luke, because you’re such an expert on polo clubs

Most importantly there is a dog on the one on one!

I deeply hope Alex is sent home during this date

Second one on one for Jordan? It seems like his 5th

Oh I definitely think Alex would get along with Jojo’s brothers…

I’m getting too good at this show

Alex is such a doucher. “I’m falling in love with you” to angry about being dumped real quick

Omg Mendoza Valley, I talk about there at work all the time like I know things about wine

(Did u know the wines from the higher altitude in the valley are of better quality because the grapes at the bottom of the valley get all the runoff rain???)

This is just making me think Jordan has a thing for feet

Stop don’t drink the foot juice

Sickening

Jordan is so fake

Hmmmm how does Jojo know the names of all of Jordan’s family members already..?

Is Jordan dragging Aaron Rodgers right now

Like bye Jordan, you’re clearly the inferior Rodgers so you can go shave your back now

All that food looks fucking terrible

This actually looks like the most fun Bachelor date ever

There’s no way Robby isn’t gay

The 4 of them hanging out in the bed look so cute and comfy

Deep down I knew that date was only happening in the hotel room because it was raining

Where does Robby get his spray tan done

It took 1 hour and 17 minutes for Chase to get air time

Do you think Chase’s family has better personalities than he does

Deep down James Taylor knows he is the next to go

Does Robby really think he’s doing better than Jordan

Oh shit bruh maybe Robby’s right

I really need Chase to show some emotion, this is getting frustrating

THERE IS SERIOUSLY NO WAY ROBBY IS STRAIGHT AM I THE ONLY ONE SEEING THIS

Everything about Luke bores me

Sorry but at this time in the world pls do not try to romanticize guns for me

Yeah no I’m tuning Luke out

I’m pretty sure Luke’s teeth are fake

That car looks like a hearse. Bad omen

“My whole life is riding on this” alright that’s excessive

I fully support Jordan’s name not being called first

Zero suspense in that choice

Alright low key feel bad for James Taylor

This is like weirdly sad for a goodbye on The Bachelor(ette)

I can tell that James is a genuinely good person and that’s why this is sobworthy

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This episode was quite frankly so pointless. Alex and James should’ve gone home last week. Tonight was just a waste and prolonging the inevitable. Yawn.

On a pleasant note, I’m pleased to say my top 4 prediction was right! On the downside, I have no idea where it goes from here. I mean, it feels likely that she’ll pick Jordan, but I don’t honestly know, partly because I have faithfully avoided spoilers, and partly because this really feels like anybody’s game at this point. Except maybe Chase. Idk.

Next week is my FAVORITE week of the whole season though: hometowns!!!! Hometown dates are so revealing. I’m not saying your hometown and your family define who you are, I’m just saying hometown dates *on this show* can 100% make or break your ~relationship~ Who could forgot Jojo’s mom chugging wine straight from the bottle or Jojo’s brothers going hardcore frat bro on Ben? These are the in-laws you’ll have to pretend to get along with in People magazine and at your televised wedding if you win, so it’s like, a prty big deal. Jordan dropped some serious familial bombshells (did you forget his brother was Aaron? Me too), and hearing who appears to be Robby’s sister throw him under the gossip bus should be wildly fun. As for Chase and Luke’s visits, I’m just curious to see who raised such boring humans.

Until next time!