Weekly annoyance review 10/19

This week’s grievances, all in one convenient post.

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1. The last 10 seconds
As if witnessing it in person wasn’t bad enough, those same 10 seconds appeared all over all my different social media platform timelines more times than my head could count and my heart could handle. Honestly I think my friend Christian summed it up best….not only in the following tweets, but when my (Spartan) friend Kaylee told him he looked cozy in his yellow fleece and he responded only by shouting “I’m fucking depressed” before slamming my door shut as he left :/

(This is Christian. This image went viral last year....)

2. Waiting 2 hours for pizza

If we’re being honest, this was clearly our fault, considering we chose the campus location and ordered 30 minutes after the game. After emotionally splurging on an XL and breadsticks, they said it would be an hour and a half wait for delivery, but only 35 minutes if we picked it up. Wat? Traffic *was* pretty congested in the 4-5 blocks between us and Cottage Inn I guess. Deciding pizza was more important than the extra wait just to mope on the couch in the meantime, we walked there after 40 minutes, and waited ALMOST 45 MINUTES MORE. Outside. With about 30 other people. Get ur shit together, Cottage Inn.

3. 2 exams, 1 day
You know what, U of M? I know this break is intended to be used for studying for our exams right after the break. I KNOW THAT. But every year I’m still caught off guard that we go back to class on Wednesday, and I’m hit with 2 exams on Thursday. Who could have prepared for such a thing????

4. Fall break in general
Michigan is actually one of the only schools in the state that even has a fall break, so I know I should be grateful for these 3 days at home……but I’m not. Because:
—fall break is the same weekend as the MSU game, so I had to spend 2 less days at home this year/was unable to plan a vacation I can’t afford during this “break”
—this break is just the precursor to midterms. It’s like sitting in the hot tub then jumping into the pool. IT’S SHITTY.
—how am I supposed to be studying for exams at my parents’ house, where the sun basked living room houses one of the cushiest couches known to man and a TV almost as wide as I am tall that constantly plays How I Met Your Mother and Grey’s Anatomy reruns? (Answer: I can’t)

5. Applying for jobs
I feel like Will Smith in The Pursuit of Happyness, only worse, because although he is homeless, he has prior work experience. I have literally no redeemable qualities or skills. Pls hire me.

6. Grad school????
I was so hype to graduate because ~*DONE WITH SKOOL 4 EVA*~ but now that I’m reevaluating, my degree is pretty much useless and my resume is so scattered that I probably wouldn’t hire me either. Maybe I should just apply to grad school and feel my soul wither away. Maybe if I went to a school in a new state it would be like a new adventure, almost as if someone gave me a job and I was making money, instead of spending it recklessly. Or maybe I should accept that I’ve failed before I’ve even started!

7. Broken nail
There I was, enjoying a beautiful fall morning with Katie at a picnic table along the river, when a bee attacked my tasty cinnamon donut and hot apple cider. Naturally, I wildly swatted the shit out of it. In my haste, my left hand flailed so uncontrollably that it hit the picnic bench with full force. I inspected my hand, expecting minimal damage, and found blood already gushing out from the center of my cracked pinky nail bed. This was terrifying and I did not want to rip my nail off, as Katie advised. Instead, after I complained through our trip to another cider mill, lunch, and ULTA, Katie drove me to 2 more stores in search of nail glue to piece my bloody digit back together. I luv u Katie. Mangled nail still hurts, though.

8. My dog hates me
Ok Oliver, I understand that I am the least capable member of our family in terms of taking care of you. I don’t let you sleep in my bed, like mom does. I don’t feed you potato chips or take you to the farm, like dad does. I don’t let you lick my eyeballs, like Ryan does, even though I really think this is understandable. I didn’t mother you when we brought you home as a puppy, like Patrick did (although it should be noted that Patrick was the only one home when we bought you, so he was forced to care about you). I may have insulted your intelligence during the bath I had to give you after you ran away in a thunderstorm, and I may have helped you set up a Twitter account that I now almost exclusively use to make fun of you. But I am the one who fought for an Invisible Fence in our yard after your dumb puppy ass ran into the road and got hit by a motorcycle. I am the one who lies down, scratches your ears, and waits for you to possibly one day speak and tell me about your day as you fall asleep. And I am the one who fights for your right to health, since all those mini donuts grandpa feeds you are clogging your doggy arteries faster than all the feta bread my human self has to endure. So when I come home for 3 days, I expect a warmer welcome than 10 seconds of intense tail wagging before you realize dad just opened a bag of chips. Until that day comes, I will continue talking shit about you online.

9. Awkward
I’m pretty sure Anna and I are the only ones that still watch MTV teen dramedies, but that really does not make the hold this show has over me any lesser. I have been waiting and waiting and waiting for both Matty and Jenna to grow a pair and get over the past and admit to each other that all they really want is to be together. They finally both have come to terms with their feelings, and they might even both go to school in Maine (aka my dream location!!!!!). Everything is finally in place for them, and then Jenna just changes her mind for the 29842175892375892 time. Whoever writes this show is like Shonda Rhimes Jr., but with less death.

10. Eating everything in sight
Comes home. Looks in fridge and pantry. Finds
—apple crisp
—General Tso’s chicken
—pasta
—my favorite roast chicken and root vegetables
—brownies
—an entire cupboard of candy
—3 different types of kettle cooked potato chips
—4 different types of popcorn
What the hell are you trying to do to me, mom?

11. The 6 times I’ve put on jeans this week
6 and counting. Do I have to

12. Our house’s power
On Wednesday, our apartment was 75% without power (again). I called our landlord, and when she didn’t answer, I emailed her. Needing internet for homework, I went into the hall and tried to figure out the fusebox. I have 0 idea of how to work a fusebox, but the box near the bottom said “pull to reset power,” so I did…..then it started sparking all over so I just shut it and ran. I emailed the landlord again to update her on this possible safety concern. 24 hours later she finally came over and fixed it. This morning (read: 5 days later), she emailed me saying, “You shouldn’t be touching that box at all. It wasn’t put back in place correctly and caused a power outage in the whole house.” ???? OK bish, not only did I email you to admit I didn’t put it back correctly for good reason, but the whole house was *already* without power. Send me another sassy email like that and I’ll have to contact student legal services about how dangerous it is to only have electricity 50% of the time with winter on its way :-)

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I pray the next week will be less annoying. But I doubt it.

Owosso Mastodon: the real OG

So, this week a farmer in Chelsea dug up the bones of a woolly mammoth and everybody lost their shit, because

a) woolly mammoths have been extinct for like 10,000 years and 

b) it’s just really cool to imagine sharing this earth and chillin with such large woolly creatures

Paleontologists from U of M scurried over there as quick as possible to determine they are indeed woolly mammoth remains, and to persuade the farmer to donate the bones to the university’s already expansive collection (don’t worry, he did).

This is big news. It was on multiple national news outlets, and I’m sure the university is pissing their pants with glee that it was found in Chelsea, because honestly, what better nearby location is there to donate it to? (The answer is literally nowhere). And I’m really happy and excited for this woolly mammoth’s 15 minutes of fame. He deserves it. He’s been waiting 10,000 years to be discovered, much longer than the average aspiring star.

HOWEVER

If you’ve ever visited U of M’s Museum of Natural History, you probably get excited about strange things, which means there was an obvious standout exhibit there. And this, of course, is….

THE OWOSSO MASTODON.

That’s right, my friends. A mastodon named after my hometown. Let me just shoot a couple facts about this badass here

a) the Owosso Mastodon is one of the most complete mastodon skeletons ever discovered. EVER (over 95% of its bones in the exhibit are real!)
b) the Owosso Mastodon is a she. What up, lil mama
c) she was found on a farm in Owosso (although technically, the site was in Henderson….people always forget Henderson exists. Sorry, guys.)
d) she was found on my family’s property

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If we back it up a little, the story is not nearly as cool as I wish it was. I wish I could say little kindergarten Lauren was just playing in the backyard one day when I literally tripped over the tusk of a mastodon and then used my Fisher-Price shovel to find the rest of her.

However, my dad wasn’t even born for another 15 years or so when the bones were unearthed. The site is about 2 or 3 miles from our house, and back then, the land belonged to the Borsenik family (our second cousins). Some 50 years later my grandpa and dad bought the land from them and now I bask in totally undeserved fame of the largely unknown Owosso Mastodon.

You want to know the coolest part? Our mastodon was found in Owosso, the woolly was recently found in Chelsea, and other mastodon remains have been found in Perry and Williamston. These creatures liked to march up and down modern day M-52, the road that runs right through all these towns! (Though Williamston is a bit off of M-52….the mastodons that hung out over there probably thought they were too good to hang out by the highway, even though the quality of mastodon stomping ground there was really no different than aforementioned areas….) Can just imagine the mastodons bopping through the towns like “Stomping through 52 with my woes” ????? IT’S SO COOL

So there you have it. Even though woolly mammoths were way more rare than mastodons, and the Chelsea mammoth is a pretty huge discovery and contribution to the university, it’s also important to remember the real OG in this situation: the Owosso Mastodon.

Stay in your lane, Chelsea mammoth.

Weekly annoyance review

IT’S BEEN A REALLY STRESSFUL WEEK, AND ALTHOUGH I ALWAYS COMPLAIN MORE THAN THE AVERAGE HUMAN, I FEEL AS THOUGH MORE ANNOYING THINGS HAVE HAPPENED IN THE PAST WEEK THAN USUAL AND THEY REALLY NEED TO BE ADDRESSED.

Top 10 things that have unnecessarily annoyed me this week

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1. The football game
Yeah we shut out a ranked team and thus became ranked, yeah yeah, it was great. That was not the annoying part. The intensely annoying part was that for the first time since I’ve been here, the fanny pack I wear on every game day was suddenly deemed not allowed. Look, I know bags aren’t allowed in the stadium. Everyone knows that. HOWEVER
—security has always overlooked it and let it in, even though I’ve made no attempt to hide it
—I had to go to the complete opposite side of the stadium to check my empty bag
—when I attempted to enter the stadium at the gate nearest bag check, I was sent back to where I started
—when I got back to the student gate, I was told I couldn’t come in because my ticket had already been scanned in once today
—the original guy who kicked me out let me back in, but only as the supervisor warned me it’s MY responsibility next time to make sure security signs my ticket if I leave the stadium and need back in
You people suck, and ruined my game day.

2. Armed robbery down the street
Actually, it’s fucking terrifying that this week was the second armed robbery directly around the corner from our apartment this month, but it’s pretty annoying too, because now I have to fear for my life every time I walk home at a relatively late time of night. Sweet.

3. Parking on our street
I parked on the street in front our neighbors’, who, unlike us, have driveway. There definitely wasn’t 4 feet from the front of my car to the edge of their driveway (the minimum before you can get ticketed), but I was more than a foot away and there weren't even any cars in their driveway. Later, I walked out to find 2 cars now parked in the driveway, and a note on my windshield that said “We can’t back out of our driveway with you car parked like this.” Like this? As if I’m parked so horrendously?! As if. If I’m blocking your driveway, how the hell did you fit 2 cars in there since I’ve been parked there?? If you can’t angle your Malibu out of a 5 ft+ wide space, that sounds like your problem, not mine, goodbye.

4. Stupid quiz
I was legitimately so scared for how expansive my prof and GSI made this quiz sound that I skipped a class to study, because I felt I didn't get enough studying in over the weekend. Turns out the quiz was 5 questions, each of which required no more than one word answers, and I knew all the answers from the studying I had completed over the weekend. And I think I was the first one done. Sigh.

5. Rude bitches who don’t know how cars work
Why is this such a problem in Ann Arbor??? On Friday, my friend Hannah and I were turning right on a green light at State and North U, when a girl stepped out into the crosswalk. Hannah stopped in plenty of time and waved her along, while the girl responded by exaggeratedly rolling her eyes and looking directly at us while moving at a snail-like pace through the crosswalk. Earlier that day, my roommate and I were attempting to parallel park her giant ass Yukon in the tiny circle drive of the League. While she was backing up, a girl talking on her phone walked directly into our path and then had the nerve to look directly at us and shout “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!” before stomping her little troll self away. Common sense is hard and all, but I really don't feel bad that they walked into the path of moving vehicles. I kinda just regret not running them over.

6. Having to walk to NQ from SEB in 10 minutes
This is the worst 10 minutes of my week, because
a) it’s the furthest walk for back to back classes I’ve ever had
b) at least 50% of our student population also happens to be walking through the Diag between 4:00 and 4:10
c) Ingalls Mall is STILL CLOSED, so the shortest route isn’t even available
I only have to do this once a week, but it’s truly one time too many.

7. People who try to ride their bike through the Diag between classes
What the fuck is wrong with you??????

8. Diag preacher
To be completely honest, nothing this guy was saying yesterday was more offensive than him standing RIGHT ON THE M in the Diag. Tell me I’m going to hell all you want but you best not disrespect me and this school by stepping your grimy bigot feet on the M!!!!!!

9. The Bachelor filming started
And I’m not currently lounging around a mansion in California, vying for the affection of my one true love, Ben H. Thinking about the filming starting and him meeting all these women who are not me even though I should totally be there PHYSICALLY PAINS ME. I’m caught somewhere between anxiously awaiting the producers to call me up to ambush the middle of the season (a la Nick) and waiting for the season to begin so I can blog/cry about it. If you need an update of how things are going so far, check out the first half of this podcast. If you’re like me, the only part you’ll hear through your tears is “I don’t think he’ll find love on this show.” This gives me hope (but the description of how beautiful the women are does not. 0/10 would not listen to this podcast again because emotions.)

10. Piper Kerman
PIPER KERMAN, aka the woman whose life experiences and memoir inspired “Orange is the New Black” (!!!!!!)  is COMING TO MICHIGAN ON TUESDAY to give a speech and I cannot attend because I’ll be in class. I’ve never wanted to attend one of these things before, and the one time I actually want to is the only time I’m forced to take an evening class?! THIS IS BULLSHIT.