The Bachelorette week 1 (5/23)

Hello Bachelor Nation friends who I still am unsure why you read this!

The post-grad life is pretty swell. I haven’t been galavanting across Europe like apparently 80% of my peers, but I have been binge watching a lot of television and reading a lot, which sounds boring but actually brings me great joy. And no, I haven’t found a job yet, but I’m also not actively looking. Seniors are pressured into finding jobs they don’t even want immediately upon graduation in order to feel successful, but I think we could all stand to embrace a bit of relaxation. After the past 4 years of constant stress and mental anguish, I think I deserve 4 months of anything I damn please! Plus it’s pretty hard to turn down a summer in Ann Arbor when I have a job here I love (side note: shout out to the restaurant for moving tonight’s scheduled meeting to Wednesday….I will happily watch Bach tonight) in favor of sitting around Owosso all summer…..even though my mom and Ollie would surely be pleased. 

TLDR; life is good.

And life’s about to get even better, because JOJO’S BACK! Honestly, at this point (yes, it has taken me this long to come to this realization), this damn show is rigged to make sure the best contestant doesn’t win. What would have producers done if Jojo won and we were stuck with Annoyance In Human Form Caila or Literal Tumbleweeds Blowing Through Her Skull Lauren B? Jojo is a Bachelor producer’s dreeeeeeeam, and we are all so blessed that Ben has terrible taste in partners/the show possibly forced him not to pick our homie Jojo.

However, I am feeling cautious as this season begins. When Kaitlyn started her season as Bachelorette, I loved her. Her personality was unlike any other Bachelorette and her laugh didn’t annoy me like it apparently did everyone else. I truly wanted to see her happy. By the end of the season, I couldn’t stand her. I didn’t understand her, I thought she made bad choices, and everything she did made me yell. I was glad she didn’t pick Nick, but that doesn’t mean I liked Shawn. I was surprised by my intense change of heart about her, and even more so about Ben.

Will this happen with Jojo? I had my apprehensions with her last season (re: Dallas jersey chaser), but she ultimately prevailed as by far my favorite contestant of the season, possibly ever. But if the rumors are true, I don’t know if I can trust her not to have terrible taste in dudes, and most importantly, I’m terrified of her family?????? Can I still love her by the end of this season????

*Just a heads up: I haven’t read anything about any of the contestants. It ruins the fun and 9 times out of 10 I accidentally stumble upon a Reality Steve spoiler that ruins the whole season for me. Reading up on all the contestants ruins the element of surprise with this show….and the entire purpose of watching television.

Alright, I’m ready for ya, Jojo+ dudes!

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I forgot how attractive Ben is, why did they have to open the show with him

The helicopter knocking over the table is low key my favorite part of last season

“I promise you you will not be blindsided” biiiiiiiiitch u lie

I find it kinda funny when the ex contestant calls them being kicked off the show a “break up”

Most monotone voice ever: “r u excited”

CUPCAKE’S RETURN

Remember how Kaitlyn kissed everyone lol

“There are some guys who I didn’t care how they felt when I left them” Kaitlyn is me

“Do you feel ready to be engaged?” “I totally do” YOU HAVEN’T EVEN MET ANY OF THEM YET

WHAT IF THE MYSTERY GUY WHO SHOWS UP LATE IS THE EX WHO SENT HER ROSES

Chris Harrison feels like an old friend

Not attracted to Grant/firefighters

I also don’t dig pro athletes but this guy is hot af

I’m sorry you’re WHOSE younger brother???

~casually stands in rain~

I don’t dig military either! What’s up with these professions!!!!

Cool Pride Rock shot

Ur profession is Bachelor superfan?

Sarah thinks the superfan will be the one to get super drunk tonight

Well the fact he had Caila going all the way shows he lacks common sense

I feel bad for the erectile dysfunction guy because I think everyone but him is in on the joke

Ali’s hair is perfectly styled. Swipe left

I like Christian but there’s literally no reason to ever wake up at 3:30 AM

That’s sad about your grandpa being racist but also not what I’d talk about in my intro bio

Texas guy bores me but Jojo is Texas

Fuck it’s not Jojo’s ex, it’s just Jake. Snooze

I thought the heels getting out of the car was a contestant and I was confused

“That dress is fire” alright you’re already out

YAH my football guy is first out the car <3

And his introduction was totally normal. A+

I dig Derek too. Normal introduction. 2 for 2!

I like James immediately but I feel like he might be forgotten idk

AND ROBBY! AND HE’S A SWIMMER! WITH WINE!!!! DREAMS DO COME TRUE!!!!!!!

Amanda: side hug? Come on, Alex

I hate gimmicks. The cards aren’t funny, Will

I am morally opposed to guys named Chad

Really, Daniel? Really?

Thanks for clarifying that Dallas is in Texas, Jojo

Ali is kinda dorky

“I’m SO normal” yeah all normal people say that

Jojo’s accent comes out with she’s talking to other people with accents

Why would you make a racist joke while introducing yourself????? WHY?????

Ok but even under the Santa beard dude looks too old to be there

Emma: you can squeeze my balls? That’s qualifies for sexual harassment 

So many guys named James (but then again that was last season with Laurens)

I am literally grossed out by Nick kissing her hands and I’m not even going to mention the splits part

Wells isn’t a first name

Forgoing the limo just to show off your bike is dumb

Shit I didn’t like Luke in his initial introduction but now I do :(

The Bachelorette is more fun than the Bachelor because all they guys try to appear the most manly and it’s so sad

Aw Derek was stuttering about Harry Potter, I love him

YES the “natural ease” is with football baee of course

I mean I’m just saying Lauren B was the first one out of the limo and Jordan was also the first one out of the limo

Jordan BETTER get the first impression rose

Cootie Catchers? Is this 5th grade

Can I look past Chad’s name? Unclear

“I’m a manlier, more rugged version of Ben” yeah but Ben would never say that about another guy

*dramatic zoom on the teddy bear*

When Santa has to drink underneath his beard

“You can’t poke me in the belly button” my mantra for life

“Is that a thong?” “No it’s male underwear”

Why do the guys always get drunk and go in the pool on the first night

Hit the bottle??? They’re not alcoholics they’re just on reality tv jeeze Ali

Take the Santa stuff off you’re so sweaty oh my wow

Damn cowboy boots are really expensive 

“Why are you here” ???

HELL 2 DA YASSSSSSS JORDAN

I hope the guy who keeps talking shit and saying he’ll be here tomorrow goes home purely because he keeps talking about it

Bye Jake

They all ask the superfan who Jake is lmfao

I’m like so sad for Evan but also happy this is a weird emotion

I know they film all night the first night but it’s still jarring when they film them leaving and it’s light out

Not only is this promo throwing all my favorite dudes under the bus but there is BLOOD 

And most importantly DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH EVAN, CHAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Damnnnnn Daniel!

No, I’m kidding.

That was a CRAZY promo, but I’m not even surprised. Like I said, the guys always try to assert their masculinity through confrontation and shit, so the least surprising thing ever is Chad getting violent. 

I’m pretty sad about the shit talking that ensues about my boy Jordan :( But again, no surprise…..he’s a former pro athlete. I feel like that's all I really need to say. He probably shouldn't be trusted in real life, much less on reality TV.

The drama with Robby and his potential girlfriend is somewhat interesting but that storyline is so played out. It feels like every other season has ex/current drama. Not exciting.

One interesting thing that came out of tonight is everything about Evan?? I for real just feel so bad for this guy. Like really. He seems genuine….probably way too genuine for this show that feeds off of naivety and obliviousness. He’s older and smaller than the rest and is an erectile dysfunction specialist. This poor guy just melts my heart and I feel so bad that he’s here, because this evil show is going to find some way to make a laughing stock out of him. Although it might be sad, he likely won’t make it past the next week or two….and that’s probably best for all involved.

The least surprising part of this episode is Jojo and I apparently have the same taste in guys: nice clean beards and semi styled hair. Swoon. Except now we know that those kind of guys go for girls like Jojo, so I should probably lower my standards. Bummer.

20 guys remain after night 1: Jordan (first impression), Luke, Wells, James T, Grant, Derek, Christian, Chad, Chase, Alex, Robby, Brandon, James F, Ali, Nick, Will, James S, Vinny, Evan, Daniel, and Jordan

Fairly standard first night. Ready to see what drama this season holds!