The Bachelorette week 2 (5/30)

Happy Memorial Day y’all, and screw you to everyone who is enjoying the lakes of Northern Michigan with a beer in hand.

My day off was not terrible, however. I took my mom to the peony garden in the Arb (did you know peonies only bloom for 2 weeks out of the year? Neither did I, but Peg certainly did.) I also took her to Afternoon Delight for the first time and we got fro yo before we both headed home to Owosso, if not mostly because I might suffer heat stroke if I spend another night this week in an apartment without AC. Also because every time I go more than 3 weeks without seeing my dog I lose 65 days of my life #UberFacts

It’s pretty hard to drink wine, pet Ollie, and type at the same time but I’m a gal of many talents.

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Sad that Jojo and Ben didn’t work out still

“I need that one on one” I love when the guys get into it lol

Piss off, Chad

What kind of nonsense is this limo situation

Isn’t one of these guys a firefighter 

Alright this is dumb and overly sexualized I’m not into it

Yeah that guy is definitely a vampire

Chad: those guys are the B team because I am not there

Those lights are really pretty omg

Chad is an embarrassment to society

I sincerely hope he didn’t actually pack protein powder

Poor Evan, he does not like these fiery situations

The guy who is ACTUALLY a firefighter is on this date I feel like this is unfair

(How embarrassing if Grant doesn’t win though lol)

Ugh the promo tells me I’m supposed to hate Robby but I luv him

Literally nothing about swinging an axe at a board is attractive to me

I hate how this show pits guys against each other in physical challenges…..ur not less of a man just because you’re tired and dehydrated, it’s ok

I’m kind of with Chad on this one. And that song was really dumb

Fire is one of my biggest fears, this is somewhat difficult for me to watch

I’m so sad for Wells. Why does this show need to humiliate ppl

“Watching another guy go up and rescue the girl of your dreams…it hurts” alright Robby settle down that was slightly pathetic

Why is Grant’s face 7 years old

DO THESE GUYS NOT REALIZE JOJO’S LIFE WAS NOT IN LEGITIMATE DANGER TODAY

I feel weird about Jojo scratching a guy’s neck as she kisses him

Derek is dorky but I’m enjoying it I think

Wells: *laughs about insecurities*

Evan has a kid?!?!?

What the FUCK is Robby wearing

Usually this common mistake doesn’t bother me but Jojo just asked how he did so *good*….it’s well. Well.

Ok Luke and Jojo are kinda cute

Agreed Luke that was a good kiss

Pity rose?? (I’m sorry, Wells)

I love Jojo’s outfits ugh 

Isn’t that the same vintage car Ben drove Caila and Kevin Hart in

What if they chose the opposite answer for every option lol 

South guy is salty

Ew what is that thumb war stop that now

Now I want to go to San Francisco too

Derek is kinda boring

Jojo has pretty hair

It’s becoming clear I like Jojo more than the guys

Stop with that damn song holy

Daniel wishes he was a Chad but unfortunately he is just a vampire

Chad: *calls other guys childish*
Also Chad: *compares guys to protein shakes*

I wonder if Chad would be telling people to chill if his name wasn’t on the date card

Whoever just had their bare ass nasty feet on the coffee table: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

I squirmed at the “tell me about your last relationship question” at the casting call…..what the hell do you want me to say

Jojo don’t play dumb, he got cheated on, don’t make him say it

Jordan is playing the Rodgers card

What are the anchor’s shoes

Really embarrassed for these dancing fools currently

Especially Nick

How bout we NEVER use the word “nagging”

I approve of Jordan’s description of his ideal lady

EVERYONE SAY CHAD

Chad is so defensive lol loser

Hard to say whether casting regrets picking Chad or not

“Aaron Rodgers is coming over for turkey! That’s a good Thanksgiving!”

What part of that activity made Chad think he was going to win

Is this a damn joke

James is alright but his tattoo is not

Chad you spent most of your time berating the other guys not ~connecting~ with Jojo

………………yes it’s a joke

How frequently do you think Chad gets his eyebrows done

Whatever James is reading right now is not making me feel the way Jojo is apparently feeling

Nothing bothers me more than a man defining what a woman wants/needs

Jojo’s eye makeup is very a la Britt

“I think that Chad is overcompensating for something but I don’t know what” well I could take a guess

Chad has a Maltese puppy LOL

(The LOL was premature RIP Chad’s mom)

Jojo that sweater makes me nauseous

Chad: I didn’t think I’d actually have feelings for this girl. I thought I was going on Survivor TBH

Jordan is like hey remember when I was a front runner last week

Excuse me Chad what are you up to you weasel

“They’re doing a little power hour. I’m not into that, I’m not in a frat” I’m not gonna lie, I lol’d

Can I get married in Jojo’s dress

AHA so they DO provide food at the cocktail parties!!!

The way to sneak little tricks in like that is to make pals with the producers, and I’m sure that’s exactly what Chad did

I’m really confused by the snow and mittens and fire idk

Chase is v attractive I’m just saying

Damn look at that meat. That’s a lot of meat.

Robby with that side eye

“When you miss a meal and you look like that, it’s detrimental to your progress. So I’ve heard. From him. I wouldn’t know.” QUOTE OF THE SEASON

I accidentally interpreted that part about him eating enough to feed a fifth grade class as he ate an entire fifth grade class

Why would you TP the mansion? I’m offended

Yeah Jojo, tell his ass he can WAIT

Chad is playing the damn game

I forgot Ali was there

Why of all people has Chad found a friend in Daniel

HONESTLY Chad you just HAD to interrupt EVAN, DIDN’T YOU

I’M PISSED TOO, EVAN

#TEAMEVAN

~lurking around the corner~

Alex is like alright go ahead and threaten my teeth bro

Is he seriously still eating during the ceremony

I still don’t get the TP

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I know this is dumb but this episode is what bothers me about the world.

I get that being athletic is attractive to many people, but athleticism does not correlate to masculinity. Let’s not make a plot line about Wells not being able to complete a physical challenge. Remember when they did this to Jared on Kaitlyn's season when he got PUNCHED IN THE DAMN HEAD AND PASSED OUT? There’s a reason we’re not all firefighters or boxers, so I think it’s perfectly fine to not know what the hell to do with 40 pounds of gear on you or when a larger man is swinging at you. Every time someone asks “Is Wells going to be able to continue??” it translates to “Is Wells man enough to stay in the competition??” and it’s bullshit. And I know, he ended up getting a rose after Jojo had a conversation with him, as if to say, “Look! It’s NOT just about the physicality! Personality matters, too!” but it’s really too little too late after you’ve primed a national audience to think less of him after struggling in the challenge. Booooo.

Likewise, lifting weights, consuming nothing but protein, and constantly belittling your peers does not make you MORE masculine. Chad is the embodiment of stereotypical bad qualities in dudes. It’s only been one episode since he’s shown his true colors and I’m already ripping my hair out listening to him mansplain Jojo. It’s amazing how you know what she wants in a guy so well, Chad, after you made it plenty clear that anyone who claims to know anything about Jojo at this point in the competition is lying :-) something to ponder!

Tonight we said goodbye to the Bachelor superfan/human Ken doll, the hipster, and the curly headed dude. Most importantly, Evan is still here, although it looks like he might die at the hands of Chad next week. We’ll see.

Also, there are two episodes on two nights (Monday/Tuesday) next week. Thank you, ABC, for now taking up TWO nights of my week. It’s going to be a long summer.

17 guys remain after week 2: Wells (group date 1 rose), Derek (one on one rose), James T (group date 2 rose), Alex, Christian, Robby, Luke, Chase, Jordan, Grant, Ali, Daniel, James F, Nick, Vinny, Evan, and Chad

The Bachelorette week 1 (5/23)

Hello Bachelor Nation friends who I still am unsure why you read this!

The post-grad life is pretty swell. I haven’t been galavanting across Europe like apparently 80% of my peers, but I have been binge watching a lot of television and reading a lot, which sounds boring but actually brings me great joy. And no, I haven’t found a job yet, but I’m also not actively looking. Seniors are pressured into finding jobs they don’t even want immediately upon graduation in order to feel successful, but I think we could all stand to embrace a bit of relaxation. After the past 4 years of constant stress and mental anguish, I think I deserve 4 months of anything I damn please! Plus it’s pretty hard to turn down a summer in Ann Arbor when I have a job here I love (side note: shout out to the restaurant for moving tonight’s scheduled meeting to Wednesday….I will happily watch Bach tonight) in favor of sitting around Owosso all summer…..even though my mom and Ollie would surely be pleased. 

TLDR; life is good.

And life’s about to get even better, because JOJO’S BACK! Honestly, at this point (yes, it has taken me this long to come to this realization), this damn show is rigged to make sure the best contestant doesn’t win. What would have producers done if Jojo won and we were stuck with Annoyance In Human Form Caila or Literal Tumbleweeds Blowing Through Her Skull Lauren B? Jojo is a Bachelor producer’s dreeeeeeeam, and we are all so blessed that Ben has terrible taste in partners/the show possibly forced him not to pick our homie Jojo.

However, I am feeling cautious as this season begins. When Kaitlyn started her season as Bachelorette, I loved her. Her personality was unlike any other Bachelorette and her laugh didn’t annoy me like it apparently did everyone else. I truly wanted to see her happy. By the end of the season, I couldn’t stand her. I didn’t understand her, I thought she made bad choices, and everything she did made me yell. I was glad she didn’t pick Nick, but that doesn’t mean I liked Shawn. I was surprised by my intense change of heart about her, and even more so about Ben.

Will this happen with Jojo? I had my apprehensions with her last season (re: Dallas jersey chaser), but she ultimately prevailed as by far my favorite contestant of the season, possibly ever. But if the rumors are true, I don’t know if I can trust her not to have terrible taste in dudes, and most importantly, I’m terrified of her family?????? Can I still love her by the end of this season????

*Just a heads up: I haven’t read anything about any of the contestants. It ruins the fun and 9 times out of 10 I accidentally stumble upon a Reality Steve spoiler that ruins the whole season for me. Reading up on all the contestants ruins the element of surprise with this show….and the entire purpose of watching television.

Alright, I’m ready for ya, Jojo+ dudes!

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I forgot how attractive Ben is, why did they have to open the show with him

The helicopter knocking over the table is low key my favorite part of last season

“I promise you you will not be blindsided” biiiiiiiiitch u lie

I find it kinda funny when the ex contestant calls them being kicked off the show a “break up”

Most monotone voice ever: “r u excited”

CUPCAKE’S RETURN

Remember how Kaitlyn kissed everyone lol

“There are some guys who I didn’t care how they felt when I left them” Kaitlyn is me

“Do you feel ready to be engaged?” “I totally do” YOU HAVEN’T EVEN MET ANY OF THEM YET

WHAT IF THE MYSTERY GUY WHO SHOWS UP LATE IS THE EX WHO SENT HER ROSES

Chris Harrison feels like an old friend

Not attracted to Grant/firefighters

I also don’t dig pro athletes but this guy is hot af

I’m sorry you’re WHOSE younger brother???

~casually stands in rain~

I don’t dig military either! What’s up with these professions!!!!

Cool Pride Rock shot

Ur profession is Bachelor superfan?

Sarah thinks the superfan will be the one to get super drunk tonight

Well the fact he had Caila going all the way shows he lacks common sense

I feel bad for the erectile dysfunction guy because I think everyone but him is in on the joke

Ali’s hair is perfectly styled. Swipe left

I like Christian but there’s literally no reason to ever wake up at 3:30 AM

That’s sad about your grandpa being racist but also not what I’d talk about in my intro bio

Texas guy bores me but Jojo is Texas

Fuck it’s not Jojo’s ex, it’s just Jake. Snooze

I thought the heels getting out of the car was a contestant and I was confused

“That dress is fire” alright you’re already out

YAH my football guy is first out the car <3

And his introduction was totally normal. A+

I dig Derek too. Normal introduction. 2 for 2!

I like James immediately but I feel like he might be forgotten idk

AND ROBBY! AND HE’S A SWIMMER! WITH WINE!!!! DREAMS DO COME TRUE!!!!!!!

Amanda: side hug? Come on, Alex

I hate gimmicks. The cards aren’t funny, Will

I am morally opposed to guys named Chad

Really, Daniel? Really?

Thanks for clarifying that Dallas is in Texas, Jojo

Ali is kinda dorky

“I’m SO normal” yeah all normal people say that

Jojo’s accent comes out with she’s talking to other people with accents

Why would you make a racist joke while introducing yourself????? WHY?????

Ok but even under the Santa beard dude looks too old to be there

Emma: you can squeeze my balls? That’s qualifies for sexual harassment 

So many guys named James (but then again that was last season with Laurens)

I am literally grossed out by Nick kissing her hands and I’m not even going to mention the splits part

Wells isn’t a first name

Forgoing the limo just to show off your bike is dumb

Shit I didn’t like Luke in his initial introduction but now I do :(

The Bachelorette is more fun than the Bachelor because all they guys try to appear the most manly and it’s so sad

Aw Derek was stuttering about Harry Potter, I love him

YES the “natural ease” is with football baee of course

I mean I’m just saying Lauren B was the first one out of the limo and Jordan was also the first one out of the limo

Jordan BETTER get the first impression rose

Cootie Catchers? Is this 5th grade

Can I look past Chad’s name? Unclear

“I’m a manlier, more rugged version of Ben” yeah but Ben would never say that about another guy

*dramatic zoom on the teddy bear*

When Santa has to drink underneath his beard

“You can’t poke me in the belly button” my mantra for life

“Is that a thong?” “No it’s male underwear”

Why do the guys always get drunk and go in the pool on the first night

Hit the bottle??? They’re not alcoholics they’re just on reality tv jeeze Ali

Take the Santa stuff off you’re so sweaty oh my wow

Damn cowboy boots are really expensive 

“Why are you here” ???

HELL 2 DA YASSSSSSS JORDAN

I hope the guy who keeps talking shit and saying he’ll be here tomorrow goes home purely because he keeps talking about it

Bye Jake

They all ask the superfan who Jake is lmfao

I’m like so sad for Evan but also happy this is a weird emotion

I know they film all night the first night but it’s still jarring when they film them leaving and it’s light out

Not only is this promo throwing all my favorite dudes under the bus but there is BLOOD 

And most importantly DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH EVAN, CHAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Damnnnnn Daniel!

No, I’m kidding.

That was a CRAZY promo, but I’m not even surprised. Like I said, the guys always try to assert their masculinity through confrontation and shit, so the least surprising thing ever is Chad getting violent. 

I’m pretty sad about the shit talking that ensues about my boy Jordan :( But again, no surprise…..he’s a former pro athlete. I feel like that's all I really need to say. He probably shouldn't be trusted in real life, much less on reality TV.

The drama with Robby and his potential girlfriend is somewhat interesting but that storyline is so played out. It feels like every other season has ex/current drama. Not exciting.

One interesting thing that came out of tonight is everything about Evan?? I for real just feel so bad for this guy. Like really. He seems genuine….probably way too genuine for this show that feeds off of naivety and obliviousness. He’s older and smaller than the rest and is an erectile dysfunction specialist. This poor guy just melts my heart and I feel so bad that he’s here, because this evil show is going to find some way to make a laughing stock out of him. Although it might be sad, he likely won’t make it past the next week or two….and that’s probably best for all involved.

The least surprising part of this episode is Jojo and I apparently have the same taste in guys: nice clean beards and semi styled hair. Swoon. Except now we know that those kind of guys go for girls like Jojo, so I should probably lower my standards. Bummer.

20 guys remain after night 1: Jordan (first impression), Luke, Wells, James T, Grant, Derek, Christian, Chad, Chase, Alex, Robby, Brandon, James F, Ali, Nick, Will, James S, Vinny, Evan, Daniel, and Jordan

Fairly standard first night. Ready to see what drama this season holds!