After their loss to MSU yesterday and today being the first day of Rivalry Week, this is necessary.
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1. Could not do their 1 job
Are you for real Ohio? You go undefeated for 24 games and then THE ONE GAME that Michigan is actually relying on you to win, you lose???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??????? This is why Wolverines know better than to trust you with anything. Because you will always fail. God damn it.
via GIPHY
2. Mascot is a nut/pot leaf
I think when I was younger I assumed a buckeye was a deer related thing. I never really gave it much thought until recently, upon seeing the mascot’s stupid costume up close, it suddenly clicked with me that I had no idea what this thing was. When I went to visit my MSU roommate, who was interning in Columbus, I noticed her roommate’s OSU crafts all had this green pot leaf on them.
“Kaylee, why is there pot on this canvas???” I asked her.
She informed me that leaf is part of the buckeye.
“….OK BUT WHAT’S A BUCKEYE?” I finally had to ask.
It’s a nut, she said. A fucking nut. Whose leaves look like weed. Out of all the animals and inanimate objects to choose from, this is what Ohioans came up with to represent their school. It 100000% has to be in the bottom 3 of all college mascots ever. A FUCKING NUT.
I think when I was younger I assumed a buckeye was a deer related thing. I never really gave it much thought until recently, upon seeing the mascot’s stupid costume up close, it suddenly clicked with me that I had no idea what this thing was. When I went to visit my MSU roommate, who was interning in Columbus, I noticed her roommate’s OSU crafts all had this green pot leaf on them.
“Kaylee, why is there pot on this canvas???” I asked her.
She informed me that leaf is part of the buckeye.
“….OK BUT WHAT’S A BUCKEYE?” I finally had to ask.
It’s a nut, she said. A fucking nut. Whose leaves look like weed. Out of all the animals and inanimate objects to choose from, this is what Ohioans came up with to represent their school. It 100000% has to be in the bottom 3 of all college mascots ever. A FUCKING NUT.
3. Dumb students
At least when MSU and Michigan students fight about academics it’s mostly playful banter, because MSU knows it’s not easy to get in here and Michigan knows that MSU is a fine institution too (I attended both schools in my college career; can confirm).
But there are OSU students out there who will in all seriousness fight you to the death that OSU is academically superior to Michigan. How sad. Let’s not forget quarterback Cardale Jones’ iconic tweet about not attending OSU in order to take classes……or the time Ohio cheerleaders spelled their four letter state wrong. Also, consider the fact that I saw a kid on Snapchat at a tailgate in Columbus drinking out of a shoe. Just something to consider.
4. Is in Ohio
There seems to be this misconception that Michiganders hate the state of Ohio because OSU is there. This is false. Although it certainly adds to all the reasons Ohio is completely useless, the state of Ohio would still suck ass without OSU sucking the place up.
The only reason Ohio has any relevance is because it’s lucky enough to be associated with the state of Michigan. It’s not even associated with us for good reasons, but it’s still reaping the benefits of our awesomeness. Ohio claims to be similar in terms of natural beauty and tourism to Michigan and Michigan is all, “Oh that’s funny, are you the Great Lakes State? Didn’t think so, bud.” Ohio is like a C list celebrity desperately trying to cling onto A list Michigan to gain some coolness or recognition. In reality, we should probably be calling OSU “Little Brother” for being such a little try-hard and aspiring to reach our level of greatness so badly. The only good things Ohio has brought to this earth are The Black Keys and my BFF Shelby, but other than that, Ohio comes in 49th place for “Best State” (last place is obviously reserved for Nebraska). Booby Prize for Ohio.
5. Bad football
The commentators yesterday were talking about how Urban Meyer said he wasn’t okay with the vanilla offense they’ve been playing but at least they’ve been winning. Spoken like a true champion!!! MSU was the first ranked team they played, and OSU realized the jig was up: they must confront the fact that they’ve been playing garbage football all season. MSU got to be the team to expose the phony, overrated OSU. I’m counting down the days until it’s Michigan’s turn to take them one notch lower.
6. Urban Meyer
This dude’s DNA legit has to be part rodent. He’s a huge asshole. Dantonio can sometimes be a smug bastard, and I frequently worry about Harbaugh’s mental stability, but Urban Meyer sucks as a human being. Also, Urban is not even a name.
7. In the armpit of of the US
I know I already discussed how much Ohio sucks, but this is specifically the location of Columbus. If I were for some reason being forced under threat of violence to live in Ohio, I would obviously choose Toledo, because it’s so close to Michigan. I would even choose Cleveland before I choose Columbus. Why? Columbus is in central Ohio, the worst geographic location, because you’re always surrounded by more Ohio.
8. Precedes their name with THE
THE Ohio State University is THE stupidest thing I’ve ever heard and THE school should stop acting like adding THE to the beginning of your name is a sign of prestige.
9. Crazy old guy fans
While it’s become some sort of sick game for the cameramen to find the most disappointed fan in the Michigan student section and turn them into memes, I think it would be a much better use of the Internet’s time to turn their attention to how many old fat guys (probably not students but at OSU you never know) slather themselves in red paint and ridiculous accessories for OSU games. Why don’t you guys just dress up as your mascot or something? OH WAIT, IT’S BECAUSE IT’S A NUT.
10. Disrespectful players
I will never ever forget my first OSU game at the Big House in 2013, when a fight broke out on the field and 3 players were ejected….and OSU’s Marcus Hall walked off our field flipping everyone in the stadium 2 middle fingers. Probably one of the most disgusting displays of unsportsmanlike conduct ever. Not sure if you would consider anything Cardale Jones has ever done to be disrespectful or just plain stupid. JT Barrett is out and about getting DUIs . Following OSU’s loss yesterday, Ezekiel Elliott immediately bitched out OSU’s program to the media and announced he'll be entering the draft instead of returning next year. OSU players are like unsupervised kids; nobody teaches these guys how to conduct themselves in a manner that represents both them and their school in a positive and appropriate light. Truthfully, I hate the term “Michigan Man” but it’s pretty clear that there’s no equivalent at OSU.
11. Poor road organization
I unfortunately had to travel to Columbus in order to visit Kaylee this summer. Not only is their expressway speed limit 65 (OHIO!!!!!!!!!!) but one moment you’re on the expressway and the next you’re suddenly not, as you merge onto the city street and have to slow down without any warning. Tell me how that’s logical or safe. Get your shit together, Columbus, and maybe your quarterback won’t be so confused behind the wheel!
12. Toilet bowl stadium
It’s embarrassing enough to play your games in a stadium shaped like something people shit into, but it’s even worse that OSU’s ~flawless~ rival Michigan has the nicest, largest, most famous stadium in the country. That comparison really has to sting. It’s probably pretty hard to adjust from playing in a poop field to a football palace, but me and some 100,000 of my friends won’t feel bad for you this weekend.
Bonus: Why I’m annoyed at MSU fans
Soooooo many comments yesterday about how terrible Michigan fans are because they want to see their team go to the Big 10 championship. C’mon, think about it if you were in our position. Michigan fans did not want to see you lose to OSU simply to root against you; 9 times out of 10 we want to see MSU beat OSU. Yesterday was that painful, painful 1 time that unfortunately, an OSU win would’ve helped us in the long run. We have a friendly rivalry with MSU; we don’t want to see MSU fail unless their success is detrimental to Michigan’s.
When I emphasized this, my buddy Harry pointed out that Michigan fans celebrated with the Huskers after Nebraska upset MSU….to which I have to say, OF COURSE WE DID! No offense, but it was hilarious to watch the ~undefeated~ Spartans lose to NEBRASKA. It was NEBRASKA. Not to mention that heartbreaking finish certainly mirrored another final play from this season…..basically, that Nebraska win was like karma for Michigan fans, a sort of vicarious revenge. We shouldn’t root against MSU, but I’ll admit, that time we did.
Sorry Sparty, but this season has been so wildly unpredictable that we can’t promise we’ll always support you (especially when you really don’t like to support us). In any case, though you narrowed the gap for us to squeeze into the title game, it still feels damn good to see OSU’s streak broken. This loss, as well as Ezekiel Elliott’s disparaging comments about his team, is going to completely break OSU’s mentality, not to mention MSU winning with 2 backup quarterbacks proves a healthy Michigan is totally capable of beating a shaken OSU.
Unfortunately, MSU’s win yesterday means we still have to root against them one more time if we still have title hopes. I’m not (and I don’t think anyone else is) placing bets on a Penn State victory in East Lansing….but this season’s been nothing if not one long string of WTF? It’s been a wild ride, and it all comes down to Saturday...
….not only because it overall determines who goes to the Big 10 game, but because if Michigan has one goal every season, it’s just win The Game. So back to the main point here: buck the fuckeyes, we can’t wait to beat you Saturday. The end.
